Santa and Mrs. Claus Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

Hello, this is Harlowe Pilgrim.

When my novel Jesus Vs. Santa wrapped, I conducted a series of interviews with some of its biggest players. The following is my interview with Santa and Mrs. Claus (also known as Kris and Jessica Kringle). 

Pilgrim: Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus! Welcome, it’s good to see you. Ho Ho Ho!

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! I think you stole my line there, Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Well, I’ve written it so many times ...

Mrs. Claus: I’ll say! Jesus Vs. Santa is full of Ho Ho Ho’s!

Santa: Full of Ho’s? Ho Ho Ho!

Pilgrim: (laughs) I think you mean …

Mrs. Claus: Yeah, the laughing kind of Ho Ho Ho’s—not the skanky streetwalking kind.

Pilgrim: I’m glad we got that straightened out.

Santa: Yeah, I thought I missed something there, for a minute. I was just about to re-read the book!

Pilgrim: Maybe you should—Jesus told me he edited a few things.

Mrs. Claus: He did?

Santa: Then I’m probably not reading it again. If he’s been fucking around with it, I probably don’t want to know how.

Mrs. Claus: Agreed. He probably doesn’t.

Pilgrim: So … now that you’re book stars, is life treating you any differently?

Santa: Don’t forget kid, we’ve appeared in lots of books over the years. But I have to say, ever since we appeared in Jesus Vs. Santa, my wife is sure getting a lot more interview requests. And requests for photo shoots. And video shoots. The adults only media seems particularly interested, for some reason.

Mrs. Claus: He says you made me a sex symbol, Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Whoa, that’s giving me a whole lot of credit I don’t deserve. At most, I helped expose you as a sex symbol.

Santa: That’s fair enough.

Pilgrim: I’d like to know how the world ever got the impression she was the old, grandmotherly type anyhow.

Mrs. Claus: I think it was all those other books, and the TV specials and things. I have tended to keep kind of a low profile over the years, so I bet they just went ahead and gave me an appearance that was age appropriate for Santa.

Santa: Age appropriate for Santa? Ho Ho Ho! That’s …

Mrs. Claus: Ridiculous, we know.

Pilgrim: That is not how Santa rolls.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Not so long as I can help it! I think I’ll stick with hot blondes.

Mrs. Claus: Ahem.

Santa: Hot blonde. That’s what I meant to say, Jessica Kringle.

Pilgrim: (laughs) So how about you, Santa? Has the book made you a sex symbol?

Santa: I’ve always been a sex symbol, Ho Ho Ho!

Mrs. Claus: Yeah, to himself. I doubt his sex symbol-ness has occurred to anyone else, though.

Santa: What do you mean? What woman wouldn’t want a piece of this?

Mrs. Claus: Um … most of them, besides me?

Pilgrim: (laughs) What a thing to say.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Yeah, ouch—that kind of hurt.

Mrs. Claus: Now, wouldn’t it be more cruel of me to foster your delusions?

Santa: Damn … now I’m delusional, too. Maybe fostering my delusions would be a little nicer.

Pilgrim: I find you sexy, Santa. If that makes you feel any better …

Santa: I hope you understand, it really doesn’t.

Mrs. Claus: I’m mostly kidding anyways, you nut.

Pilgrim: (laughs) I thought we all were.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Of course … I … was just kidding … the whole fucking time.

Pilgrim: We knew that.

Santa: Wait—so don’t really find me sexy, Harlowe?

Mrs. Claus: Ahem …

Pilgrim: Yes, well, moving right along …

Santa: Hey—are you two just trying to change the …?

Mrs. Claus: Subject? Who, us?

Pilgrim: Santa, we’re trying nothing of the sort. Frankly, I’m a little insulted. So, how about them elves?

Santa: The elves? What about them?

Pilgrim: They seem kind of … well, short, for starters.

Mrs. Claus: Yes. They’re elves.

Santa: Yup. That’s the stereotype—tiny little elves. That’s why they appear so small in the book.

Pilgrim: Aren’t they always that small?

Santa: Nope. Jesus Vs. Santa is chocked full of special effects, and those little buggers are one of ‘em.

Mrs. Claus: Kris …

Pilgrim: You mean to tell me and our audience that the elves were only small for the book?

Santa: Yup. It was all just book movie magic.

Mrs. Claus: Really, Kris …

Santa: It’s true. In real life, we’ve got some elves as tall as pro basketball players. And they can dunk with the best of them.

Pilgrim: Really? I had no …

Santa: Nah, not really, Ho Ho Ho! I was just fucking with you.

Pilgrim: Aw, you were?

Mrs. Claus: You took the bait, Harlowe.

Santa: You sure did, Ho Ho Ho! Sink, line, and hooker.

Pilgrim: Isn’t the phrase, ‘hook, line, and sinker’?

Santa: Well, maybe it is, but good luck getting a sinker to turn tricks for cash!

Mrs. Claus: Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming.

Santa: Which one coming? The hooker? Ho Ho Ho! Then she shouldn’t get money too, should she?

Pilgrim: Not really sure how that works, Santa.

Santa: You know who I ask all my whore questions, don’t you?

Mrs. Claus: Oh no …

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! That’s right—our little friend, Mary Magdalene.

Pilgrim: Mrs. Jesus Christ.

Mrs. Claus: I feel so bad when you guys rag on Mary for all the prostitute bullshit.

Santa: Come on, honey. We tease because we love.

Pilgrim: She seems to take it okay. And she gives as good as she gets, from what I’ve seen.

Santa: Not only that, but Jesus thinks it’s funny. How bad could it be, if the Prince of Peace is okay with it?

Mrs. Claus: You of all people should know the answer to that, Kris.

Pilgrim: That’s a hell of a point, actually. Don’t you remember the shit that happened in Jesus Vs. Santa? Maybe you should re-read the book.

Santa: Yeah, well some of that was kind of troubling … and unpleasant, but … Ho Ho Ho! A joke’s still a joke, right?

Pilgrim: (laughs) Yeah, I guess it is.

Mrs. Claus: (sighs) You guys are something else.

Santa: You are too, sweetie pie.

Pilgrim: Aw, shucks.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! I did not call you ‘sweetie pie’, kid. But I could go for some.

Mrs. Claus: Always.

Pilgrim: Well, on that note, I guess I’ll let you guys go. Thank you so much for coming in.

Santa: You’re welcome. Coming in was our pleasure.

Mrs. Claus: You’re such a pig, Kris. Bye Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Goodbye, guys.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2012

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Santa and Mrs. Claus in Bed

(Chapter Fifty-Nine from the novel Jesus Vs. Santa by Harlowe Pilgrim)

“Oh, baby,” moaned Mrs. Claus, “you’re getting me sooo good tonight.”

“Thanks, honey.” Santa was breathing hard. “I’m doing my best.”

“I can tell. And you feel like you grew two sizes!”

“I don’t think I did, but thanks anyways. You really have me going—I could drive nails with this son of a bitch tonight!”

“You just hold my legs up, and keep doing what you’re doing. Oh God! It feels like you got bigger.”

“I thought you just got tighter.” Santa reached down and wrapped his thumb and forefinger around the base of his burrowing shaft. “Holy shit! I am getting bigger!”

“Oh, baby! Are you all right, Kris? Maybe it’s something you ate. Do you want to stop?”

“Fuck no! You just keep your ass right where it is.”

“Okay. Oh, God! You just got bigger again!”

“Are you sure you’re okay, honey? I don’t want to hurt …”

“Ohhhhh Godddd! Shut up and fu… Ohhhhh Godddd!”

“Shutting up and fucking, honey … shutting up and fucking.”

“Good boy, Kris! Ohhhhh Godddd! Goood boy!”

“Whoa! Holy shit!” Santa felt down between their legs again. “Fuck! It’s as big around as a baseball bat! My hand doesn’t even reach around it!”

“Are you okay, Kris? Whats’ going on … Ohhhhh Godddd! It feels so good, but … oh fuck! You have to get that out of me! Kris! You’re going to split me in half!”

“Okay … I … uh … wait a minute … holy shit! What the … I can’t stop fucking!”

“What? You always say that! Oh Kris! You … your cock is getting HOT!”

“It is! Ahhh! I can feel it too! I don’t know why, but I can’t pull it …”

“OUT! KRIS! Get that thing out of me! You’re going to split me right up the …”

“Oh Jess! I feel that feeling coming on …”

“KRIS! TAKE IT OUT! It’s burning hot! I can’t take it—I’m going to BURST!”

“Oh, baby!” Santa said. “I’M GOING TO BLOWWWW!!!”

The mushroom cloud erupted high into the air, as Santa, Mrs. Claus, and the whole damn State of Hawaii were vaporized in a flash of atomic passion.

“Whoa!” Santa woke suddenly, and bolted upright. “What the … did my dick explode?” He lifted the sheet, and breathed a sigh of relief. “Goddamn … that was a fucking dream?” He looked down at his side, and saw his wife snoring peacefully into her pillow. “Where the hell does a dream like that come from?” He shook his head. “I don’t even want to know.”

Drenched in sweat, his heart still pounding, Santa stole off for the bathroom. He peeked back at his wife, just to make sure she was still there, and pinched himself, to make sure he was really there.

A piss, a face washing, and a cool drink of water later, Santa settled back into bed, and waited for sleep to come. He noted the clock on the table next to the bed showed 1:03 AM, and closed his eyes.

He fought for what seemed like an eternity to get back to sleep, but thanks to the ceaseless noise of his own wheels turning, he never made it under.

The clock displayed 1:04 AM when next he opened his eyes.

“Oh, you’re going to play it that way, are you?” He sat back up, got out of bed, and started feeling around in the dark for the clothes he’d cast off before rocking and rolling with the Mrs. at bedtime.

Except for the wedgie he got for mistaking his wife’s thong for his own boxer shorts, he was able to get himself dressed in the dark with nary a hitch. “I don’t know how Jess wears those things,” he said, “but at least I won’t have to floss my ass-crack again anytime soon.”

###

Read the other 92 Chapters of Jesus Vs. Santa!

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Santa's Elves Have Been Working Their Asses

Santa’s elves have been working their asses off!

Seeing is believing …

https://www.pinterest.com/harlowepilgrim/santas-elves-have-been-working-their-asses-off/

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Eating Your Moms

“Why don’t you eat mine like you eat hers?”

“Because she’s my girlfriend.”

“Oh, so it’s that exclusive? You used to stick your face right in mine … practically lapped it up like a dog.”

“Mom …”

“Is it the crust?”

“Mom …”

“Is it not as sweet and gushy as it used to be?”

“Mom …”

“Does hers look as good covered with whipped cream?”

“Mom! I’ll eat yours next, okay? It’s only pumpkin pie, for Christ’s sake.”

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2013.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Wrapping Pussy is Hard

Wrapping pussy is hard.

It’s oddly shaped (not exactly a rectangular box).

Tape won’t stick to it.

And honestly … you’re constantly petting it, so there’s no way you’re keeping it wrapped up anyhow.

So what other gift is as perfect as pussy?

Well, nothing.

But a distant second would be my novel, Jesus Vs. Santa.

They’ll laugh their asses off, and it’s easy to wrap.

Or you can just put it in your box.

Be as gentle as you have to.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Twice the Oral

Oral Arguments

“Now,” the judge said, “we’re ready to proceed with oral arguments.”

“That should be easy – my wife and I have been having that argument since the honeymoon, Your Honor.”

“Eat me,” his wife said, with a bitchy scowl.

The judge clapped his hands together. “How about that? We’re making progress already. Sure you guys don’t want to stay married?”

Open up and say AHHH ...

Why did it take the dentist several tries to remove the blonde’s wisdom teeth?
 

Well, by the time she finished her oral procedure …

… he was never in the mood to perform surgery.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2013.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Half Pregnant

A teenage girl approached her mother. “Mom, I think I’m half pregnant.”

“What?” her mother said. “Pregnant?! I can’t believe this! We’ve talked about …”

“No—not pregnant, mom. Half pregnant.”

“Half pregnant?! What in the world are you talking about? There’s no such thing as half pregnant!”

“I think that’s what I am, mom.”

“Oh yeah? What makes you think that?”

“Well … he only put it halfway in. So …”

“Honey, I hate to tell you, but … any half a prick can make a baby. Just ask you father.”

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2013.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Turkey Tyme - Thanksgiving Fun

If ye cometh at the table, ye shall be asked to leave!

Ye may laugh, however.

Mom sure loves cooking

Johnny's mother was preparing a big Thanksgiving feast, and all the guests arrived at the same time.

He greeted them at the door. "Happy Thanksgiving," he said.

"Happy Thanksgiving," they replied.

"Where's your mom?" one of them asked.

"In the kitchen … sucking off the turkey."

"She's what?"

"You know, with the baster thing. It sucks off the juice, and squirts it all over?"



Thanksgiving Birth Control Secret

"Have fun, kids. And don't forget the Thanksgiving birth control secret."

"The Thanksgiving birth control secret? What's that?"

"More gobble gobble gobble … and less stuffing."



So there, Grandma

A college girl brought her new boyfriend home for Thanksgiving. The family was seated around the table, watching her grandfather carve the turkey.

"Everything looks delicious," the girl said, and everyone agreed.

"I've got dibs on one of those drumsticks," her grandmother said. "And how about you?" she said to the boyfriend, whom she'd been razzing since he got there. "What are you? A leg man? Or a breast man?"

The girl and her boyfriend exchanged knowing smiles.

"Um," she spoke up for him, "what do you call the meat between the legs? That's what he likes the best, Grandma."



Pilgrim Spermicide

"Did you know that turkey fat was the original spermicide?"

"No."

"In fact, the Pilgrim's swore by it."

"So, how did it work?"

"How did it work? Have you noticed all the white people in America? You friggin' tell me!"



Tom the Turkey

Tom the turkey was drinking beers with one of his buddies.

"You know how a female dog is called a bitch?" he said. "Did you know a female turkey is also called a bitch?"

"They are? That's news to me, man."

"Yeah? Well …" Tom downed the rest of his beer. "… I guess that shows you've never been married to one of 'em."



A Thanksgiving misunderstanding

"Oh dear God! James! What are you doing to the turkey?"

"Just what you said, Pa. You said to go out behind the barn, and …"

"PLUCK the turkey, James! I said to PLUCK the turkey!"



Turkey Bakin'

"Hey―what are you doing in here?"

"A little steamin', a little boilin', a little bakin'…"

"Um … I'm afraid I don't understand."

I'm fixing Thanksgiving dinner."

"You are? But …you're a turkey."

"Yes sir, I am indeed."

"So … what's for dinner? Not a …"

"Turkey? Oh no, of course not. We're having chicken."

"Chicken? Who the Hell ever heard of chicken for Thanksgiving?"

"You have, now. And frankly, I don't give a shit—on Thanksgiving, it's every bird for them-fuckin'-selves!"



Pokin' and Prayin' Pilgrims

"What's the huge smile on your face for?" said one Pilgrim girl to the other. "All these chores we have to do?"

"No, silly. On the way here, Nethaniel stopped me, and took me into the woods. He absolutely ravaged me―it was wonderful."

"Oh … well … I'm sure our religion doesn't tolerate that. I sure hope you don't burn in Hell for it."

"Aw, don't be silly. It was just like church; we prayed the entire time."

"You did?"

"We sure did. I kept saying 'Oh God' , and he kept saying 'Oh God' …"



Happy Thanksgiving!


-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks, Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim