by Harlowe Pilgrim, for The
Shit Creek Times ("All the shit that's fit to print")
Yaktattoo, Alaska – Say goodbye to “The Tightest Seal in
Alaska.”
Not that a satisfying seal can’t still be had. But the local company who advertised it now
finds itself belly-up.
And not in a satisfying way.
Ironic that the future for Wet Willy Weather Stripping …
sucks.
It was only months ago, they began using that slogan and the
initial response was promising.
“We got a lot of calls,” an ex-employee told us. “The
Tightest Seal in Alaska. The old gal
at the front desk could hardly keep up.”
But there was some sand in the lubricant. In other words, a problem.
“None of the people were calling about weather stripping. They thought, by ‘tight seal’ … we were
talking about animals! Seals, the marine
mammals! Feeling tight around
their—never mind. Sick
fucks.”
The company did attempt to clarify the advertising campaign.
“That’s right, we really did.
And I just wanted to make sure all the readers out there (see, I know
there might be children reading) understand that what I said about sick
fucks before, the sick fucks I was talking about was them wanna-be
seal-fuckers. Not the animals. Them seals are fairly innocent in the whole
thing as far as I’m concerned. That’s
probably why they’re so tight.”
But it was difficult to convince the customers.
“Difficult to say the least.
We’d get the customers on the phone, and tellem’ we didn’t have any
seals to put their penis in. Or for that
matter, slide around on their lady parts, if they hadem’. ‘We only sell weather
stripping,’ we’d say. We’d even spell it
out sometimes. W-e-a-t-h-e-r stripping.”
And how did the customers respond?
“Not very well. One
guy was like, ‘Weather stripping? You
mean, like taking your clothes off outside in the weather? Shit!
Sign me up!’”
Nobody was interested in actual weather stripping?
“They weren’t interested in the kind we had to sell. We were kind of out of luck, seeing as we
didn’t have anything that was screwable, other than that old girl at the
reception desk. I guess she got some
business out of it, but nothing that really helped the company any.”
You mean …?
“She weren’t really a tight seal either, if you know what I
mean. We’d already seen to that, if you
know what I―”
We get it, sir.
“Oh, well good. And
you see, that was when they threatened to sue us out of business.”
Based on what?
“Based on, the company claimed to have ‘The tightest seal in
Alaska.’ And we had no seals. And the truth is, you could hardly even tell
you were inside that old gal, that’s how un-tight her seal was.”
And the business closed its doors.
“Yep. Belly-up. Like the gal on the front desk. Sometimes.”
The business owners were not available for comment.
###
Copyright 2016 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC
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