It’s
enough to piss off the Pope? Well if it is, it must be really,
really bad.
Most
of the time, the Pope just turns the other cheek—in über
Christ-like fashion.
But
he’s only human, so you know that sometimes, things get under even
his skin. They push his buttons, and drive him up a goddamn
wall, same as they do with you and me.
Still,
it must take a lot, right?
Behold!
The top sixteen things that are enough to piss off the Pope (in no especially
particular order):
The
stress of the job! He’s got the whole world giving him Hell in
one ear – and God busting his balls in the other.
Why
the hell can’t a pope get a pair of pants? Who takes an executive
in a skirt seriously? Well, how about a dude executive in a
skirt?
Thanks
to nepotism, there’s a glass ceiling right above pope that
he’ll never be able to crack—no matter how well he does. The top
positions in the organization are all family.
There’s
actually people who’d like him to come out in support of things
like abortion and gay marriage. As if! When you’re working for
God—it’s His way, or the highway. And you know where the
highway leads …
Always
having his spiffy hat knocked off by low-hanging ceiling fans, and
the like. Sometimes helicopter blades do it, too.
Never
getting invited to bachelor parties. Ever.
Unlike
a U.S. President, a pope does not receive a Nobel Peace Prize before
he even accomplishes anything (Nobel Peaceful, or
otherwise).
And
also unlike a U.S. President, he wouldn’t get to keep his
unearned Prize, if he was a total fuck-up.
Eyeglasses,
and the clergymen who wear them. They’re seen as evidence that
masturbation does eventually cause blindness. Fortunately,
they’re also evidence that there is some gratification out
there not being had at the expense of the loins of young boys.
The
only day the Pope can go out in public is Halloween—when he can
blend in with all the other kids dressed up in pope costumes. Every
other day, the poor guy stands out like a sore thumb.
Thanks
to the clergy’s bad reputation, he can’t even wash people’s
feet without everyone immediately thinking ‘foot fetish’.
Having
his predecessor living in the neighborhood, threatening to rat him
out to the big guy, whenever the shit's about to hit the fan.
Clergymen
giving kids facials. Priests are not Avon men, for
Christ’s sake.
It’s
a real pain-in-the-ass dealing with the papal robes, when nature
calls. Although he could always go the diaper route, like an
astronaut, or a NASCAR driver.
Every
subway vent is a potential Pope Marilyn Monroe upskirt shot.
Unless
it’s a New Orleans Mardis Gras Mass, nobody flashes their tits for
rosary beads. Why so uptight, ladies?
Quite
a list, wouldn’t you say?
Now upon reflection, I’m with him—
Totally
pissed off too.
-Harlowe
Pilgrim
Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull
Publishing, LLC
