Jesus and His Old Lady

Hold the phones! Have you heard the news? Jesus Christ had a wife!

According to the experts, that's what a newly unveiled scrap of ancient papyrus tells us (see the article here). They say it quotes Jesus talking about "my wife" (meaning his wife, not the author's wife).

So, I guess we can consider that case closed—because the experts have never steered us wrong.

Actually, come to think of it, they screw with us all the time. So, I'm afraid this time, I'm going to insist on evaluating the evidence for myself.

Here is a picture of the ancient papyrus in question (I know it looks just like a yellow post-it note. That's probably just a coincidence).

Okay, well I thought the Coptic to English translation was going to be a bitch, but I must have a knack for it, because I can clearly make out the words "my" and "wife". So far, so good; the experts and I are on the same page.

Another part of the story here is that the papyrus came from some mysterious private collection. And as it turns out, I was able to gain access to some other scraps, from the same collection.

Let's see if we can translate those, as well. Maybe we can gain even more historical insight.

Wow. "Walk the dog". So Jesus not only had a wife, but he had a dog, too? I don't recall ever hearing of any references to that in The Bible. And he had to walk it himself? I wonder if it ever chewed on his sandals.

So, what else have we got?

Huh. This one translates to "take out the garbage". Interesting how it reveals that Jesus had other chores to do, besides walking the dog. The nagging nature of this particular papyrus scrap definitely reaffirms the whole having a wife thing. Bachelors don't have to do chores, as we all know (at least there's nobody nagging them).

Do you see this? "Happy Anniversary Jesus! Love, Mary M." This papyrus has to be the most revealing yet! I realize the skeptics will note there are many different types of anniversaries (not just wedding anniversaries), but she signed it Love … and there's actually a clue as to her name: Mary M. Hmmm … call me crazy, but I think the M could stand for Magdalene.

Here is another clue to her identity. How about about that? Apparently, this Mary M. is a working girl. I thought I heard something about Mary Magdalene being a prostitute—but maybe she just had a job. Good for Jesus—for putting her ass to work.

Last but not least, there's "Put the lasagna in the oven". This papyrus rings true even perhaps more than the others. I love lasagna.

'Nuff said, is what I say. The evidence is conclusive—they were married.

Now we know. Meet the Christs.


-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Mary Magdalene Interview - Humor

http://www.booksie.com/humor/essay/harlowe_pilgrim/mary-magdalene-interview

Are Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene married?  You're damn right they are!

Santa and Mrs. Claus in Bed

Santa and Mrs. Claus in Bed - Erotica Essay - humor, sex, erotic

Bestiality and Ewe

Sick and tired of the harassment every time you saddle up to your sweetie? Is being shunned by society starting to wear on you? Have bestiality laws got you down?

This goes out to all the sick bastards out there (you know who you are)—who can’t seem to keep your hands off the livestock.

Folks, if you think the term animal husbandry refers to having marital-type relations with someone who’s … a species other than human … I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong idea. And if inter-species relationships actually turn you on … then I’m afraid you’ve really got the wrong idea.

And you’re what they call a zoophile.

Yes, the animals are our friends—but they just don’t think of us in that way. Frankly, they’re not that into you. They don’t want it to get physical … and if they could talk, they’d tell you so.

“Come Spot!”

When you call your dog, the command is supposed to be totally unrelated to sexual climax. This should not be news to anyone.

“The bitch wanted it.”

If you say so, but please stop explaining there … we don’t want to know about it.

“Woof!”

How about this? I recently saw where a guy had gotten himself into quite a slippery situation—something about a barn security camera catching him kissing a horse. On the wrong end.

Wait—there’s a right end to kiss them on?

“I thought we were cool,” the fellow might have said. “She said she was 3 yrs old.”

That is just about the age of consent for a horse.

So, the guy admitted to trespassing, and licking the horse. I gather he was trying to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of … where baby horses pop out.

I guess it didn’t bother her too much; she could have kicked him across the barn. But then, if she’d liked it very much, the same damn thing would probably have happened. You know how it goes, with ladies in the throes …

Which reminds me:

Quick … how many drinks does it take to have sex with a horse?

A lot of them; they can really hold their alcohol.

And lest you think that men are the only pigs in the barnyard—women are not immune. They’ll ogle a big Mastiff’s member, or a donkey’s kong, just like it’s dangling down from a Hollywood prettyboy. I’m telling you, there’s more than a few who’ll try to milk a bull if you let them (and you know who you are).

The trick is getting them to let you be the bull.

And, hey!  Let go of that cock! Of course it tastes like chicken! It is a chicken!

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim