Call me alarmist if you want, but I
don’t care.
More to the point, I don’t give a
shit.
I can’t. And neither can you. We
can’t afford it.
There’s a shortage of shit.
It’s true, 97% of experts polled
agree …the Great Shit Shortage is upon us.
And lots of those experts are
scientists, and you don’t fuck with scientists.
Not unless you want to look stupid,
which you must be if you would fuck with scientists.
I mean that in a noncopulatory way.
And noncopulatory IS a word - a fucking
scientist told me so.
But at least they’re fucking
consensual. Meaning there is a consensus.
It’s settled science.
Haven’t you noticed the shortage of
shit with your own eyes?
No? Then you have to look around. Not
on the television (nothing but shit there), the Internet (a cesspool
of shit), or the words coming out of politicians’ mouths (more
bullshit there than a cattle ranch feeding Mexican food).
And don’t look under your foot …
it’s too late … you’ve already stepped in it.
Again.
Shit!
Besides, the models assure us the shit
shortage is real.
Go to any fashion show, and they all
believe it. Of course, they only shit a few times a year thanks to
the miracle of modern bulimia, but that doesn’t mean they know not
of which they speak.
So never mind then, the shit you’re
wiping off your soles, souls, and holes … you
may be living in a smelly shit-sandwich, but your squishy
situation is more than offset by the plight of the poor shitless
bastards of the world.
Even the poor flies, without a shitty
place to land.
And again, it’s been studied. Most
experts in shit agree.
It’s a dam catastophe. Like a dam
collapse.
What can we do to make it right?
First, we can feel like shit. Really.
The world greatly appreciates our emoting. But they prefer our
self-loathing.
Then, we send the poor our shit
… we have so much and they have so little.
Even if you worked hard for your shit.
Your pile’s become offensive.
Again,
it’s settled science.
Fertilizer’s meant to be spread, so
keep spreading that shit.
It doesn’t even have to be real. You
can always make shit up.
And don’t even think about eating
that shit (no matter how much you like the taste). They should
institute the death penalty, so dire is our shit-uation. This would
be known as the “Eat Shit and Die” amendment to the US
Constitution.
No, they’re not
Nazi’s. Nazi’s were Brownshirts … not Brown Shorts.
That’s settled
history.
One idea worth
considering is reshaping the world like an ass, so as much shit will
stick to it as possible. A stupid idea? Perhaps, but we have to do
something!
It’s not all in
the fudge-factor.
Think you have an
opinion of your own?
Then you’re a
knuckle-dragging Flat-Earthing Shit Shortage Denier!
And you deserve to
pay more taxes!
Oh … wait a minute
… was this supposed to be about Global Warming?
SHIT!
-Harlowe Pilgrim
PS. It's satire, bitch.
Copyright 2016 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC
Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,
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