LMFAO (Laughing Mayans Fool Apocalypse Obsessed)

All the Mayans in the underworld must be laughing their asses off.

There's nothing like kissing your own sweet ass goodbye … only to turn around and kiss it hello again. Neither your lips nor your ass knows whether you're going, or coming.

So, was that it? The End of Days?

To tell you the truth, I hardly even noticed, other than the lights flickering a couple of times.

The flickering was enough to attract the family's attention.

"Will the power go out tonight?" they asked me.

To which I replied, "It's actually lights-out for all of us tonight, guys. Curtains. We shall be no more … at least that's what I've heard."

Our oldest was the first to speak. "So … that means no more school?"

"Nope," I said. "No more nuthin'."

"Yeah! Yay! Awesome!" the room erupted in celebration. "Dude!"

Eventually, things quieted down.

"Alright," the oldest came at me again. "So, you're sure, right Dad?"

I nodded my head affirmatively, whilst the mother of my children rolled her eyes.

"Damnit!" our youngest piped up. "That figures … we're already on Christmas vacation. What a frigging waste!"

Imagine our disappointment, upon waking the next day, to a post apocalyptical world that's completely indiscernible from the one we said goodbye to just the night before.

You call that an Apocalypse? Boy, the End of Days ain't what it used to be.

Here I was, with retirement finally within my grasp, only to have it all disappear like a desert mirage—with no hope to recover it, until the next End of the World mania hits, and the crazies are again, off and running.

Come to think of it, how far off could that possibly be? Good chance happy days will be here again soon!

We're really going to need more of a show the next time—more fireworks—more brimstone. Would it kill The Four Horsemen to make an appearance? And I'm talking about Famine, Pestilence, War, and Death—not High Fructose Corn Syrup, No Cell Service, Free Lunches, and Teen Sexting (the new-age Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

You see, I'm a sucker for the classics.

At least we already have "Sympathy for the Devil" … and of course, the Anti-Christ is on the scene. And succeeding mightily.

One has to give credit where credit is due.

What I want to know is, did the Mayans accurately predict the end of their civilization? Probably not? Well maybe that should have been a sign that they should keep their goddamned calendar to themselves. Who asked them, anyways?

How could anybody think an ancient civilization like theirs could possibly have foretold our future? What, because they could pile up stones in pyramid shapes, and cut the still-beating hearts out of their human sacrifices and show them to them? That's the kind of resume people put their faith in these days? Isn't that kind of a stretch?

Who has that kind of imagination?

Who has that kind of weed?

Well, a giant hemp asteroid must have have burned up in our atmosphere, because a good number of Earth's best and brightest reportedly found the inspiration to freak out—or at least act out.

Beaucoup sorries to the the credit card company, the bank, the tax collector, and to the cops; no doubt, there's some real messes out there that their creators weren't planning to ever have to clean up.

The impending end of the word must have provided just the excuse for some to take that vacation, drive that slick black Lamborghini off the lot like they stole it, and party with hookers and coke like they're Charlie Sheen. Sorry, suckers! Looks like you'll have to pay the piper this time!

You're not Charlie Sheen.

You know, most non-idiots would approach the end of the world as kind of an unlucky thing. But for such an unlucky event, I bet there was a lot of good luck to be had on it's eve. As in, getting lucky.

Imagine the pick-up lines unleashed upon the girls of the world:

"Come on baby ... I know I got no job, no car, and no looks ... but hey—the world ends tonight! What do you have to lose?"

"You don't want to die a virgin, do you?" "Well, you don't want me to, do you?"

I bet a good many of the believers got so lucky with these lames-ass lines, there was no need to bother with little things like contraception and disclosure of any petri dish pee pee problems.

So you know what that means: expect a stupid person baby boom! And a STD Tsunami! As if we needed another one of either of those …

And think of all the other shit they pulled, attempting to live the last moments of their miserable lives to the fullest. Yeah, those aren't going anywhere either. They must have needed to build new server farms just to hold the zigabytes of scandalous new video and images being put up on the web as I write.

"It's okay if I take some pictures, right honey? No one's going to be around to see them anyway."

Also, do not forget that, like many of those making their End of the World film debuts, Christmas … is coming.

Nobody expecting the world to end before Christmas would have been particularly dedicated in their gift procurement efforts (unless they're apocalyptical hypocrites). So expect a mad-ass shopping rush too, these last days before the big day.

And then, the bills will come due. Ah, the traditional holiday binge-spending financial Apocalypse is on the way.

Here's a hot tip on the real end of the world: it's going to come when we least expect it. The universe doesn't give you a chance to party before it comes for you. And as I heard the late great George Carlin say, the planet is going to be fine. It's us—the people—that will be going away.

That's my forecast. No, I'm not even Mayan. And I'm not even ancient (I know that's relative).

And as one who's probably headed straight to Hell, I'm certainly in no rush to bring on the final judgment. If it's not going to be a pretty girl(s) doing the Rapturing on me, I think I'll step out of line now, if I can.

Check, please.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. Wouldn't it be a bitch for my smug ass if the Mayans were just off by a couple of days, or weeks, or months?

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

My new ebook!

My new ebook!

An album of Harlowe Pilgrim's short humor writing, featuring works published in 2012.

Includes "Really? He Put Fireworks in his Ass?", "The Big Skydiving World Record, Jesus and Santa", "Pop Goes the Virginity Auction", "Harlowe Pilgrim's Twas the Night Before Christmas", and more!

Only 99 cents from Amazon.com and FREE from Smashwords.com!

Harlowe Pilgrim's Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

You could hear the bed squeaking, from me and my spouse.

Her stockings were flung on the floor without care,

Next to her red Mrs. Claus underwear.

The children were snoring, snuggled up in their beds;

I writhed as their mother gave excellent head.

With Mama on her knees, and I on my back,

I said "Come on up here, and sit on my lap".

As she slid down on me, there arose such a clatter,

But I tuned it all out—what the Hell did it matter?

She looked concerned. "Did you hear that big crash?"

"Don't worry a bit … just work that sweet ass."

I heard some more noise, then I was distracted.

She whimpered and moaned as her sweet pee contracted.

I gritted my teeth, to stay under control,

But it wasn't too easy, in that comely hole.

Once the moment had passed, she caught her breath.

And I wiped from my stomach, her wet G-spot mess.

"I heard it again, do you think it's St. Nick?"

"I was more worried 'bout you riding my dick."

"What if it is? Do you think we should stop?"

"Well, you're not underage, and he's not a cop;

We can't be the first ones enjoying a bone;

He'll do his thing, and he'll leave us alone."

She seemed to agree, and so went back to work,

On what promised to be, a sweet second squirt.

Again there was noise, this time from downstairs,

But when you're going to town, nobody cares.

She was again in the throes, when the corner of my eye,

Saw our door easing open, and the face of a spy.

The red suit and big belly gave away Old St. Nick,

But he had his pants 'round his ankles, and his hand on his dick.

My bride didn't notice, busy coming―not caring.

I shot Santa a look that said "Hey, I'm not sharing."

With a wink of his eye and a stroke of his crotch,

I got the picture; he was just there to watch.

Not sure what to think, I next hesitated;

While he stood in the doorway, and masturbated.

Once she settled down, I said in her ear,

"Don't look now, but Santa is here.

But let's not freak out; he's just horny, you know.

Let's do him a favor, and put on show."

She looked unsure a second, then started to smile.

"Old guy like that, it's probably been quite a while."

With that she climbed off, and laid down on her side.

"I don't mind showing off, but I'm too tired to ride."

"Okay," I said, "guess that it's all up to me."

"Just open me wide, so Santa can see."

I raised her leg high, it was almost a split,

Giving Santa a view, of my wife's perfect slit.

He smiled so big, I knew he approved,

Then I slid my shaft, deep into her groove.

She squirmed and I groaned, both feeling so good,

And Santa was working it hard, like he should.

I picked up the pace, and she squealed like a whore;

I saw Santa grab something up off of the floor.

Then I let loose, she let loose, and Santa did too.

Into my wife shot my gusher of goo.

We both looked over, at the end of our dance,

and saw Santa did his, into her underpants.

"I hope those were dirty; hope that was okay."

Neither of us had a clue what to say.

"That was fun," he continued, "but I'm out of here.

Now you know Santa comes at least once a year."

He pulled up his pants, and was gone in a flash.

I gave my wife a slap on her fine ass.

"You really did good, I think we made his night.

He'll be thinking of us, for the rest of his flight."

Then she eyed the red satin wad on the floor,

Soaking in Santa's shot from before.

"I'm happy for him, but what about me?

Better be some new panties, under that tree!"

And I heard Santa exclaim, as he drove out of town,

"I'm coming back to this place―they have the hottest sex around!"

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Mary Magdalene Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

It's Harlowe Pilgrim again, back with another interview. This time we're speaking with Mary Magdalene, also known as Mrs. Jesus Christ, and one of the big stars of my book, Jesus Vs. Santa.

Pilgrim: Mary Magdalene, lovely star of the written word, thank you for joining me to discuss our new book, Jesus Vs. Santa.

Magdalene: You’re welcome, Harlowe. And you look lovely today, as well.

Pilgrim: Aw, you’re too kind. So, how’s it feel being done with the book?

Magdalene: Well, first of all, I’m very happy that you turned our work into something so … let's say worthwhile.

Pilgrim: Hmm … worthwhile, huh? Interesting choice of words. I wonder what exactly you mean by that …

Magdalene: Well, I mean laugh-your-ass-off funny, piss-your-pants exciting, and so provocative you’ll want to discuss it with all your friends. And or your shrink.

Pilgrim: All good qualities in a book, I think. Very worthwhile.

Magdalene: Exactly. Anyhow, I actually have mixed feelings about the book being done. It was a lot of work, but doing it was so much fun. And it was great for my husband Jesus to have something constructive to do with his time.

Pilgrim: I’d be surprised to learn that Jesus has a hard time keeping busy …

Magdalene: Yeah, but keeping busy doing what? I’ll give you an example of how he’s been entertaining himself lately. The other day, he gave me a second pair of tits—on my back. And then he followed me around trying to play with them the entire damn day.

Pilgrim: (laughs) I suppose that could get obnoxious after a while.

Magdalene: You think? Just this morning, an angel came to see him, and the poor guy left with a penis stuck on his forehead. And believe me—it was not the way he was used to, either.

Pilgrim: (laughs) Good thing we’re gearing up for another book, then.

Magdalene: It’s a godsend. Really, you have no idea.

Pilgrim: I think we’re starting to get some idea. Back to making Jesus Vs. Santa, tell me what was your favorite part.

Magdalene: I really liked the way we got to play ourselves as ourselves.

Pilgrim: Interesting. That’s been a pretty consistent response from all the cast members.

Magdalene: I can totally see why. Although the story was, of course (mostly) made up, the novel could really be a documentary, as far as how our personalities are depicted. What you read is what you get. You did a really great job capturing my essence, Harlowe.

Pilgrim: And you did a great job being yourself. (both laugh)

Magdalene: I may be the best at it.

Pilgrim: I’ve never seen anyone play you better.

Magdalene: Thank you so much. And my other favorite part was working with Jess and Kris … they’re really a lot of fun.

Pilgrim: That’s Jessica and Kris Kringle, or Mrs. and Santa Claus, for anyone who’s not yet on a first name basis with them …

Magdalene: Right, and … I have to say … those fucking elves just crack me up every time! Whenever we visit The North Pole, I end up leaving with sore sides from all the laughing.

Pilgrim: They are funny. It was a brilliant idea to include them in the book.

Magdalene: Yes, chalk up another brilliant idea to Harlowe Pilgrim—a goddamned genius, if you ask me. And so handsome.

Pilgrim: Geez, am I blushing?

Magdalene: Maybe a little. No, maybe a lot.

Pilgrim: Uh hum … okay, so … what was your least favorite part of being in the book? Was there anything you didn’t like?

Magdalene: Well, I wasn’t really sure about the nudity and crude sexual humor at first. I mean, history and the church give me a pretty bad time as it is, you know?

Pilgrim: Yeah, I can understand your having some reservations. What's their problem, anyway? Do you have any thoughts on it?

Magdalene: Well, they’re heavily invested in a certain image of Jesus, and I guess they’ve just always thought I was bad for business.

Pilgrim: Wow, that’s rough.

Magdalene: Yeah, but it’s ancient history. Actually, it is ancient history, now that I think about it. Besides, I got the … prize?

Pilgrim: I guess you did.

Magdalene: And my in-laws have always been great to me. Who else’s blessing would I need?

Pilgrim: I’m glad to hear you’ve come to terms with all that, and I’m really glad you came around on the nudity and crude sexual humor—it helped make the book. You have a beautiful body to show off, if you don’t mind me saying so.

Magdalene: I sort of have my husband to thank for that; Jesus Christ has definitely been my personal savior in the cosmetic augmentation department. Gosh, imagine if I looked my age.

Pilgrim: I think you and Mrs. Claus are kind of in the same boat, there.

Magdalene: Yeah, I’d say she’s been taken very good care of. Jessica Kringle knows Santa Claus is for real, let me tell you.

Pilgrim: I bet she does. And I understand that she and Santa are also participating in the next book.

Magdalene: You would know! We were all just talking about how excited we are.

Pilgrim: So, I take it you’ve signed on for more nudity and crude sexual humor?

Magdalene: I’m a little worried about being typecast—but yeah, I’ll be taking my clothes off again in the name of fine literature.

Pilgrim: (laughs) Why mess with success, right? I’ve heard that sex sells … and a little salty language never hurt, either.

Magdalene: If you fucking say so, Harlowe. (both laugh)

Pilgrim: I fucking do. And do you have any parting words for our fucking readers?

Magdalene: (laughs) Um … okay. Girls, marry a guy who can give you anything you want. And guys … better do what you can to be that guy.

Pilgrim: Great advice if you can follow it, Mary Magdalene. Thanks again for the interview, and see you on the set.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Jesus Christ Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

Hello everybody. I’m Harlowe Pilgrim, author of the novel Jesus Vs. Santa. When I finished the book, I conducted interviews with some of its stars.

My interview with Jesus Christ went like this:

Pilgrim: So, I’m here with Jesus Christ, one of the stars of my new book, Jesus Vs. Santa.

Christ: The star, I think you mean—and I thought it was our book.

Pilgrim: That’s what I meant to say—our book.

Christ: I like the sound of that better.

Pilgrim: Great. Well, now that the book’s done, what do you think? Have you had a chance to look over the finished product?

Christ: Yeah, I had a chance to thumb through it.

Pilgrim: Did you like it?

Christ: Did I like it? Hmmm … well, I thought it was a good start.

Pilgrim: A good start? (laughs) What the hell’s that supposed to mean?

Christ: (laughs) I had to breathe on it a little.

Pilgrim: Oh yeah? A little? How much is a little?

Christ: You know … just a little. There were a few rough spots, and I just smoothed them out, is all.

Pilgrim: Rough spots? Rough how?

Christ: Rough on me, mostly. (both laugh) Seriously kid, I only made a few tweaks.

Pilgrim: Jesus, really—that stuff was already supposed to be finalized. The publisher had signed off on it, and I signed off on it …

Christ: And now I’ve given it my blessing. I’m sure the publisher will be fine with everything—at least he will be if he knows what’s fucking good for him …

Pilgrim: I don’t think you have to worry about any trouble from him—he’s read the book. (laughs) But seriously, I think they have already printed some books; what about those?

Christ: No worries there. I fixed them all.

Pilgrim: Oh? No shit.

Christ: No shit, kid. So, if anyone points out any typos or anything, you just tell them there’s no fucking way. Everything in there is just the way I fucking want it. Same goes for anything they don’t think is funny—if they’re not laughing, there’s something wrong with them. The goddamned book is a scream.

Pilgrim: (laughs) I guess if I get any complaints, I won’t be passing them along to you.

Christ: (laughs) I think it would be best if you didn’t.

Pilgrim: Now that we have that cleared up, there’s a few other things I wanted to run by you for our readers.

Christ: Okay—shoot, my man.

Pilgrim: Well Jesus, the special effects in the book; you handled all of them yourself, and they’re really top notch. Our audience has been asking what that was like for you, and if you plan on doing more of that type of work in the future.

Christ: What it was like? I have to say … it all sort of comes naturally. Nothing there was particularly challenging. I think lots of times, I was just fucking around, and you’d see something you liked, right? And we worked it in. As for the future: the future is now, baby! The audience will be glad to know that they’re living my miracles each and every goddamn day—and I plan to keep it up for the foreseeable future.

Pilgrim: Sounds like good news to me. Another thing they want to know about is … heresy. As in, are they going to go tho Hell if they read Jesus Vs. Santa? Some people say they’re uneasy with some of the content in the book; they’re not used to hearing you swear and shit.

Christ: (laughs) That’s funny. I loved playing myself the way I really am. The swearing and shit was my favorite part.

Pilgrim: And then there’s the sex scenes …

Christ: Wait a minute—those were actually my favorite part. (both laugh)

Pilgrim: So you don’t find any of it offensive?

Christ: The sex? (laughs) If we weren’t intended to fuck, then we wouldn’t be so well equipped to do it! Duh! Is that the most obvious thing in the world?

Pilgrim: Always has been to me.

Christ: That’s why I like working with you, Pilgrim. You get it.

Pilgrim: Thanks, Jesus.

Christ: Another thing for everyone to keep in mind is, if we didn’t want this novel of yours to happen, take my word for it—it wouldn’t have happened. Where do you think all of those twisted fucking ideas of yours came from in the first place?

Pilgrim: Divine inspiration?

Christ: Bingo!

Pilgrim: So I can’t really be held responsible for any of the shit I wrote?

Christ: Well, you did write it. And you do want the fame and fortune, don’t you?

Pilgrim: Yeah, well …

Christ: I thought so. Everyone does.

Pilgrim: (laughs) I suppose they do.

Christ: Hey—aren’t you going to ask me how I liked working with Santa Claus?

Pilgrim: That reminds me, Jesus … how did you like working with Santa Claus?

Christ: Oh, well I’m glad you asked, Pilgrim. That fat fuck is a ball to work with! And understand that when I say ‘fat fuck’, I say it with love.

Pilgrim: With love?

Christ: Yeah, in real life, we’ve been buds forever. Most people don’t know that.

Pilgrim: I haven’t heard it from anyone else. Besides you guys’ wives …

Christ: Yeah, they tease the shit out of us. It really tells you something, that a couple guys can’t spend a lot of time together without their wives accusing them of being gay.

Pilgrim: So, what does it tell you, exactly?

Christ: It tells me that old Kris Kringle and I are really, really close.

Pilgrim: Oh … I see.

Christ: Don’t say it like that, you asshole! You don’t see shit!

Pilgrim: I didn’t mean … well … I can see it’s time to move on to the next question.

Christ: Yes! Please.

Pilgrim: I’ve heard a rumor, that I hoped you would address—a rumor of a second book in the works.

Christ: Of course you heard it. You started it, didn’t you?

Pilgrim: In a word, yes.

Christ: I’ll confirm that rumor for our readers; we are collaborating on another fine literary effort.

Pilgrim: I heard you’re lobbying for pictures in the next book.

Christ: Yes. Naked pictures.

Pilgrim: I’ve heard that, too.

Christ: Well, am I making any headway?

Pilgrim: You know, I just noticed the time—and it looks like we’re just about out of it.

Christ: That’s no big deal. I have all the fucking time in the world.

Pilgrim: Yeah, but I have shit I have to do. Maybe we’ll pick this up another time. Do you have any parting words for our audience?

Christ: Let’s see … parting words … okay. Keep your noses clean, and your asses out of trouble. And read Jesus Vs. Santa by Harlowe Pilgrim. If don’t, there’s going to be Hell to pay. Well, there could be Hell to pay.

Pilgrim: I couldn’t have said it better myself. This is Jesus Christ and Harlowe Pilgrim, over and out.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim