This bitch I just met

This bitch I just met

You know who's totally wet, will blow you like crazy, but is not any fun in the dark?

This bitch Sandy I just met. She's a Hurricane.


-Harlowe Pilgrim


Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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Frankenstein's penis

A not so well-known fact is that the Frankenstein monster's penis was sourced from the corpse of a donkey-dicked porn star.

Unfortunately, Frankenstein was so strong, and used his penis so hard, that the stitching which held it in place was overpowered and snapped, rendering the once mighty monster sexless and frustrated.

Which was what all the moaning and groaning and asshole behavior was about.

Think of all the sexless and frustrated people you know. They probably act the same way.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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Halloween wisdom

Eat as much as you can, and keep some wrappers handy.

Because if you let a pixie stick loose in your goody bag …

you might end up with a little monster.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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Scary-ass costume

A trick-or-treater came to my door wearing an Obama mask.

I reacted instantly, slamming the door in his face, and running to hide under my bed.

I've always been scared to death of clowns.

(feel free to substitute the politician of your choosing)

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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A goblin

"Do you think I should be a goblin for Halloween?" the young lady asked her boyfriend.

"Sure," he answered, zipping down his fly. "But why wait 'till Halloween?"

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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Wrapped up in Halloween

A man wraps his member in a ton of gauze, so it looks enormous, and takes it downstairs to show his wife.

"Trick or treat, honey," he says, proudly thrusting it at her.

"It must be a trick," she says, "because we both know there's no way the little guy could hold up all that gauze on its own."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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She really gave it up

A mom overhears her son on the phone …

"Yeah, she opened it up wide for me, and I went in deep … everything I wanted, she just let me take it … a bunch of other guys came too … and she took care of every one of them. She's the easiest one I know—that's for sure. You should hit that! Okay, I'll see you later."

He hung up the phone, and mom made her presence known.

"Uh hum … well, I never … I don't know what to say! You just wait 'till your father comes home, young man!"

"Why, mom? You think he's gonna want some of my trick or treat candy? I was just telling my friend, old Mrs. Thomas really gave it up—but shouldn't dad have to get his own costume? And get his own damn candy?"

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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Too Spirited

I went on a few dates with a good lookin' ghost, but it didn't end very well.

The last time, she slapped me across my face!

And all I did … was feel her BOO-bies.


-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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Halloween Hookin'

A kid in a costume walks up to a couple of sexy hookers standing on a street corner.

"Trick or treat!" the kid says to them.

One hooker looks at the other, and smiles a slutty smile. "I don't know," she says. "How do you turn a treat?"

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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The Big Skydiving World Record, Jesus and Santa

By Harlowe Pilgrim

(Jesus and Santa's brush with skydiving greatness. Featuring Jesus and Santa as they appear in the novel Jesus Vs. Santa by Harlowe Pilgrim.)

"Holy shit!" Jesus said. "What the hell is that?"

"It looks like … some kind of giant fucking balloon," Santa said.

"Huh. Like some giant fucking kid let go of it, and it floated way up here, right?"

"Yeah. Something like that."

"Jesus—this is so far up, we're almost in outer space."

"You talking to yourself again, Jesus?"

"Yeah, I guess I am. Well what do you say? Should we go check it out?"

"Sure, if you wanna. I'm game." Santa stood up in his sleigh. "Alright, boys! LET'S FUCKING GO, HO HO HO!"

The reindeer heard, and launched in the direction of the Unidentified Floating Object.

"Look at that!" Jesus said, the silvery form looming massive before them. "It must be, like fifty-five stories high!"

"Pretty tall for a goddamn balloon."

"You think that's what it is, Kris? A big-ass balloon?"

"It's either that," Santa said, "or a freaky-ass spaceship."

"Damn! Look at that!" Jesus said. "A freaky-ass spaceman!"

A figure had appeared in a portal at the bottom of the craft.

"Well, that does look like a space suit," Santa said.

"Yeah—see? It's got a space helmet, and other space shit."

"I bet it's just a guy in a suit."

"Not a freaky-ass space alien?"

"Jesus, have you ever seen any real freaky-ass space aliens?"

"Around here? Only the ones we let in from time to time, to harvest and probe the weirdos."

"Ho Ho Ho! I hope you're kidding."

"Yeah, sure I'm kidding. Maybe. Weirdo."

###

Read the rest of this short story at http://www.booksie.com/humor/short_story/harlowe_pilgrim/the-big-skydiving-world-record-jesus-and-santa or http://www.goodreads.com/story/show/317931-the-big-skydiving-world-record-jesus-and-santa (no charge either location).

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim



 

Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Duo

(follows "Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Uno")

"We have so much more to talk about, Arnold."

"That's fine—don't worry about it. I'm not going anywhere."

"Wow, that's really cooperative of you. Thanks."

"Don't thank me, Harlowe. Thank your twisted fucking mind for pretending I'm here in the first place."

"Oh yeah, right. Thank me then, I guess."

"Yeah, I was just thinking, you must have really enjoyed Clint Eastwood's act at the Republican convention, talking to that empty chair, and all of that. It was kind of like what you're doing now."

"Yeah, I thought it was cool; I'm a big Clint fan, like I'm a big Arnold fan."

"Actually, I liked it too, because I'm a big Clint fan, as well as a big Arnold fan. But why did he not use any of his signature lines? Like, Are you feeling lucky, punk? And, A man needs to know his limitations. I would have said Hasta la vista, baby."

"I'm sure you would have worked it in somewhere. I guess Clint didn't talk to you first, Arnie."

"I heard he didn't speak to anybody, first."

"Do you mind if I call you Arnie, Arnie?"

"I wouldn't—or it might be hasta la vista for Harlowe Pilgrim, baby."

"Oh, sorry. Baby."

"And are you sure you're such a big Arnold fan? Have you heard the questions you're asking me? It sounds kind of like you're trying to make me sound like some kind of an asshole …"

"Well, I'm mostly asking you about stuff that's supposed to be in your book. Were you trying to make yourself sound like an asshole when you wrote the book?"

"I wasn't that worried about it. I was only worried about telling the truth."

"And that's why you're out promoting the book, right?"

"Yes, and to sell books, and to veasel my way back into the public eye."

"Veasel means weasel, right?"

"Yes, veasel."

"Okay … so there you go. I'm only trying to help."

"Okay—your apology is accepted. Next question, please."

"Alright Arnold. Now we'll turn to … your career."

"My career? What about it?"

"You're trying to get it cranking again correct?"

"This is correct."

"So, I have some ideas for that. Mind if I run them by you?"

"I don't really mind your suggestions. I'm open to trying different things."

"I've heard that about you, too. So first, I was thinking you could come out with a new line of maternity maid outfits."

"Not a bad idea. I know you're trying to be a smartass, but it my experience, maids do get laid—and when it results in impregnation, they do need something to wear."

"I thought it was a pretty good idea."

"But don't they already make maternity uniforms?"

"Sure, somebody does. But none of them have your name on them."

"This is true. With my uniforms, it's like having Arnold all over you."

"There you go … who wouldn't want that?"

"Nobody wouldn't want that; I'll talk to my people, and get the veels turning. Okay, what else?"

"Uh … veels are wheels, right Arnold?"

"Yes, this is what I said: get the veels turning. Now, what else?"

"Okay. How about … a line of Arnold fertility clinics? I can hear it now: We're here to KNOCK … YOU UP!"

 

"Ha Ha, very funny. I could be talked into that one; I like the tag line."

"Good. I was also thinking of a special line of metallic-look Terminator Cyborg condoms, maybe with a glowing red eye in the tip."

"Nah, I don't really believe in condoms; I never use them."

"Well Arnold—I know that, and you know that—and everyone else knows that now—but that doesn't mean it couldn't sell. Just give it some thought, okay?"

"You have my word. And that word is no—I think I'm going to pass on that one."

"How about a sex toy, called the Governator Masturbator? That could be a success."

"Nah, I don't want a bunch of people going blind and blaming me for it. What else?"

"Another film project would be good. How about a Wizard of Oz remake, where the wicked witch sends a homicidal robot back in time to kill Dorothy."

"And Toto, too?"

"Yeah, and her little dog, too."

"Can the vicked vitch be someone grope-able?"

"Well, yeah! We're not casting any ugly bitches in your movies."

"I thought we were talking vitches."

"We were. Witches."

"Okay, I'm sold. I'll have my people call some other people, and make it happen."

"Cool. I'm glad you're into my idea."

"Yeah, great. Is that the last one, or what?"

"Almost; I have on e more good one."

"Okay, what is this?"

"What it you started a singing career? I remember the scene from Twins, when you were on the plane, singing Yakety Yak. That was memorable."

"Yakety Yak—Don't talk back! Ah, the good old days. Danny Devito was one of my hottest co-stars."

"He was? Hotter that Brigitte Nielson, when you filmed Red Sonja?"

"Yes. He was always very warm. And vicked funny."

"So you like the singing career idea?"

"Maybe. To tell you the truth, I've always wanted to try rap. Vord to your mother."

"Uh … that's word to your mother, right Arnold?"

###

May Be Continued …

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Obama's Big Stick

"So, President Obama … Vice President Biden has promised us that you have a big stick."

"Uh … yeah … well … I guess he did say that."

"Which made us wonder, if you've had an opportunity to check out each other's sticks—perhaps you'd like to return the favor, and critique Mr. Biden's … stick."

"Uh … okay. Well, it's … it's really … well, it's … honestly … I've never seen anything like it. Biden's known for having hair plugs … but … I didn't even know they did them … down there. That had to hurt, right? I mean … damn."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Uno

"Well Arnold, I've seen all your movies, so I know that in addition to being an on-screen badass, you're a pretty funny guy. I guess that explains why you agreed to talk to me."

"I don't know about that. I mean, the first part—yes, I am a funny guy. But I haven't agreed to talk to you."

"But … you're talking now, big guy."

"No, I'm not talking at all. It's you, imagining. Again."

"Really? I'm writing to myself again?"

"Yes, Harlowe; this is all you. You'd better put a call in to that shrink of yours."

"I will later, I promise—but can we finish this first, while I'm channeling you?"

"It doesn't matter to me. You'll do whatever you want, won't you?"

"Well, don't you think I should?"

"Of course I do. When I want something, I just reach out and grab it."

"No kidding; I've actually heard that about you, Arnold."

"Hopefully, everybody has. I've come out with a book about it, you know. It's a tell-all."

"A tell-all, huh? What I usually want to know about a tell-all is, what does it leave out? All the juicy parts, right?"

"No, the book is full of my juicy parts. The only juicy parts I left out are the ones that I've forgotten. Lets face it … nobody could remember all the vimen I've fooled around with."

"Vimen means women, right Arnold? I'm trying to translate, here."

"Yes, vimen."

"Okay, got it. So, one of the vimen you fooled around with was your maid, right? The one you fathered the love child with … I presume that's in the book?"

"Yeah, that one; I guess I fooled around with her too good. Funny thing is, I've screwed every housekeeper we've ever had, and very few of them ended up with a Terminator in their time machine … but yeah, that's all in the book. It's really a terrific story."

"You think it's terrific? It sounds like it would be a little uncomfortable, airing your dirty laundry in public like this."

"No, really, I'm absolutely fine with it. Sure, the kids are looking for a nice family to adopt them, and Maria is mortified—but hey, she's the one who started telling everybody about it in the first place; getting all pissed off, and all of this. I was perfectly content to keep my mouth shut about it."

"And there's money to be made …"

"That's right, and I love to make money."

"It does make the world go 'round."

"Yes, and I have a divorce to pay for, don't forget."

"Yeah, and I bet it's going to be an expensive one."

"Eh … don't remind me, alright? What else do you want to know, Harlowe?"

"Well, about all these affairs you've been having: I remember in your movie Pumping Iron, you said that the pump you get from lifting weights gave you the feeling of coming, so in effect you felt like you were coming all the time."

"Yes."

"Now, if that were the case, I wonder why you needed to fool around so much. Didn't you already feel like you were coming all the time?"

"Well, Pumping Iron was a long time ago, and I know now that in my youth, there was something I was mistaken about. As it turns out, the reason why I felt like I was coming all the time, was actually all of the sex I was having."

"Oh … that realization must have come as a shock."

"Yes, you can imagine."

"So you felt like you were coming all the time because you were coming all the time."

"Exactly. Go figure, right?"

"Hey, speaking of sex in the old days, care to address the gay rumors?"

"You mean the bisexual rumors?"

"Yeah, those."

"Of course. All of those rumors are absolutely untrue. I've never had to pay for sex. I did sell it a few times, though—back in the day. I liked making money then as well, you see."

"Uh, Arnold … I didn't mean buy sexual, as in paying for it …"

"Oh."

"So …"

"Like I said before, I've never had to pay for it."

"Hmmm … then how about the the gay rumors? Have you ever had sex with a man?"

"When a woman was available? No. At least, not that I can remember."

"Well, that settles that."

"I'll say that I've always seen myself as a pitcher. As far as who's catching … hey, a strike zone's a strike zone, right?"

"I guess so, Arnold. If we're talking baseball, anyways."

"Oh, are we talking about baseball now?"

"I don't know. I was sort of hoping we were."

"I can't say I know a lot about baseball. Bodybuilding was more my game. That was always something I liked about making babies. Making babies is like bodybuilding. Building little bodies."

"Can't say I ever thought of it that way, Arnold."

"Well as you know, I'm a visionary."

"Of course."

###

Continue to "Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Duo"

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim