Hello, this is
Harlowe Pilgrim.
When
my novel Jesus
Vs. Santa
wrapped, I conducted a series of interviews with some of its biggest
players. The following is my interview with Santa and Mrs. Claus
(also known as Kris and Jessica Kringle).
Pilgrim:
Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus! Welcome, it’s good to see you. Ho Ho
Ho!
Santa:
Ho Ho Ho! I think you stole my line there, Harlowe.
Pilgrim:
Well, I’ve written it so many times ...
Mrs.
Claus: I’ll say! Jesus Vs. Santa
is full of Ho Ho Ho’s!
Santa:
Full of Ho’s? Ho Ho Ho!
Pilgrim:
(laughs) I think you mean …
Mrs.
Claus: Yeah, the
laughing
kind of Ho Ho Ho’s—not the skanky
streetwalking kind.
Pilgrim:
I’m glad we got that straightened out.
Santa:
Yeah, I thought I missed something there, for a minute. I was just
about to re-read the book!
Pilgrim:
Maybe you should—Jesus told me he edited a few things.
Mrs.
Claus: He did?
Santa:
Then I’m probably not reading it again. If he’s been
fucking around with it, I probably don’t want to know how.
Mrs.
Claus: Agreed. He probably doesn’t.
Pilgrim:
So … now that you’re book stars, is life treating you any
differently?
Santa:
Don’t forget kid, we’ve appeared in lots of books over the
years. But I have to say, ever since we appeared in Jesus Vs.
Santa, my wife is sure getting a lot more interview requests. And
requests for photo shoots. And video shoots. The adults only
media seems particularly interested, for some reason.
Mrs.
Claus: He says you made me a sex symbol, Harlowe.
Pilgrim:
Whoa, that’s giving me a whole lot of credit I don’t deserve. At
most, I helped expose you as a sex symbol.
Santa:
That’s fair enough.
Pilgrim:
I’d like to know how the world ever got the impression she was the
old, grandmotherly type anyhow.
Mrs.
Claus: I think it was all those other books, and the TV specials
and things. I have tended to keep kind of a low profile over the
years, so I bet they just went ahead and gave me an appearance that
was age appropriate for Santa.
Santa:
Age appropriate for Santa? Ho Ho Ho! That’s …
Mrs.
Claus: Ridiculous, we know.
Pilgrim:
That is not how Santa rolls.
Santa:
Ho Ho Ho! Not so long as I can help it! I think I’ll stick with hot
blondes.
Mrs.
Claus: Ahem.
Santa:
Hot blonde. That’s what I meant to say, Jessica Kringle.
Pilgrim:
(laughs) So how about you, Santa? Has the book made you a sex symbol?
Santa:
I’ve always been a sex symbol, Ho Ho Ho!
Mrs.
Claus: Yeah, to himself. I doubt his sex symbol-ness has occurred
to anyone else, though.
Santa:
What do you mean? What woman wouldn’t want a piece of this?
Mrs.
Claus: Um … most of them, besides me?
Pilgrim:
(laughs) What a thing to say.
Santa:
Ho Ho Ho! Yeah, ouch—that kind of hurt.
Mrs.
Claus: Now, wouldn’t it be more cruel of me to foster your
delusions?
Santa:
Damn … now I’m delusional, too. Maybe fostering my
delusions would be a little nicer.
Pilgrim:
I find you sexy, Santa. If that makes you feel any better …
Santa:
I hope you understand, it really doesn’t.
Mrs.
Claus: I’m mostly kidding anyways, you nut.
Pilgrim:
(laughs) I thought we all were.
Santa:
Ho Ho Ho! Of course … I … was just kidding … the whole fucking
time.
Pilgrim:
We knew that.
Santa:
Wait—so don’t really find me sexy, Harlowe?
Mrs.
Claus: Ahem …
Pilgrim:
Yes, well, moving right along …
Santa:
Hey—are you two just trying to change the …?
Mrs.
Claus: Subject? Who, us?
Pilgrim:
Santa, we’re trying nothing of the sort. Frankly, I’m a little
insulted. So, how about them elves?
Santa:
The elves? What about them?
Pilgrim:
They seem kind of … well, short, for starters.
Mrs.
Claus: Yes. They’re elves.
Santa:
Yup. That’s the stereotype—tiny little elves. That’s why they
appear so small in the book.
Pilgrim:
Aren’t they always that small?
Santa:
Nope. Jesus Vs. Santa is
chocked full of special effects, and those
little buggers are
one of ‘em.
Mrs.
Claus: Kris
…
Pilgrim:
You mean to tell me and our audience that the elves were only small
for the book?
Santa:
Yup. It was all just book movie magic.
Mrs.
Claus: Really,
Kris
…
Santa:
It’s true. In real life, we’ve got some elves as tall as pro
basketball players. And they can dunk with the best of them.
Pilgrim:
Really? I had no …
Santa:
Nah, not really, Ho Ho Ho! I was just fucking with you.
Pilgrim:
Aw, you were?
Mrs.
Claus: You took the bait, Harlowe.
Santa:
You sure did, Ho Ho Ho! Sink, line, and hooker.
Pilgrim:
Isn’t the phrase, ‘hook, line, and sinker’?
Santa:
Well, maybe it is, but good luck getting a sinker
to turn tricks for cash!
Mrs.
Claus: Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming.
Santa:
Which one coming? The hooker? Ho Ho Ho! Then she shouldn’t get
money too, should she?
Pilgrim:
Not really sure how that works, Santa.
Santa:
You know who I ask all my whore
questions, don’t you?
Mrs.
Claus: Oh no …
Santa:
Ho Ho Ho! That’s right—our little friend, Mary Magdalene.
Pilgrim:
Mrs. Jesus Christ.
Mrs.
Claus: I feel so bad when you guys rag on Mary for all the
prostitute bullshit.
Santa:
Come on, honey. We tease because we love.
Pilgrim:
She seems to take it okay. And she gives as good as she gets, from
what I’ve seen.
Santa:
Not only that, but Jesus thinks it’s funny. How bad could it
be, if the Prince of Peace is okay with it?
Mrs.
Claus: You of all people should know the answer to that,
Kris.
Pilgrim:
That’s a hell of a point, actually. Don’t you remember the shit
that happened in Jesus Vs. Santa?
Maybe you should
re-read the book.
Santa:
Yeah, well some of that was kind of troubling … and unpleasant,
but … Ho Ho Ho! A joke’s still a joke, right?
Pilgrim:
(laughs) Yeah, I guess it is.
Mrs.
Claus: (sighs) You guys are something else.
Santa:
You are too, sweetie pie.
Pilgrim:
Aw, shucks.
Santa:
Ho Ho Ho! I did not
call you ‘sweetie pie’, kid. But I could go for some.
Mrs.
Claus: Always.
Pilgrim:
Well, on that note, I guess I’ll let you guys go. Thank you so much
for coming in.
Santa:
You’re welcome. Coming in was our pleasure.
Mrs.
Claus: You’re such a pig, Kris. Bye Harlowe.
Pilgrim:
Goodbye, guys.
-Harlowe
Pilgrim
Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC
This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2012
Harlowe
Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks, Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online
booksellers.
