Harlowe Pilgrim's 'Tweeting Fool' - Thanksgiving Issue

The Pilgrims came on the Mayflower.
Some … more than others.

“I’m thankful for my mommy, and daddy, and the airline who lost mommy’s pills when they went home for Thanksgiving, the year before I was born.”

“Shut your pie hole!” he said.
 She frowned, looked down at her lap, and closed her legs.

“Scuse me while I eat some pie.” -Jimi Hendrix, Thanksgiving dinner 1968

“I’m all about the baste, ‘bout the baste, ‘bout the baste. I’m all about that baste … that turkey.”

After sampling her entire family’s pies … no wonder I needed a nap.

She hauled off and slapped him. “I do NOT look like a turkey!”

“Sweetheart … I said you had a foul mouth … not a fowl mouth!”

I heard that all pies are fun-sized.

Really, they all come that way.

Who wants to trade a breast for some stuffing?

Is that a turkey in your pants … or is your cunt trying to gobble me?
Oh, it’s a turkey?
That’s weird and disappointing.

Happy Fucksgiving.
As if any of us would really give one.

“We’re having turkey bacon.”
“Huh. You sure it’s okay for people too?”

What’s your favorite part of the pie? Mine’s … the filling.

Already thinking of inviting Miley Cyrus over for some Thanksgiving twerky.

When does the gravy come out? Keep tickling my giblets, and it should be coming.

Boy, you got to eat the pie *before* you fill it.

I’ve never seen you turn down ‘more stuffing’.

I’ll bring the baby gravy.
I mean, I’ll bring the gravy, baby.

If you like her baking … 

… you should try her pie.

I’ve never heard her say she’s had too much stuffing.

“White women all want to look under my loincloth.” Chief Fucking Bear, present at the first Thanksgiving orgy.

Stuff the fucking, please … I mean, fuck the stuffing, please … 
Sorry—just pass the stuffing, will you?

This holiday season, be sure to take some time and share your meat, with the needy.

If you spread her legs so wide they snap … 

… hopefully, you’re talking turkey.

“You can drop a load right here”. 

Well put, Grandma.

There’s no excuse for letting that pie go to waste.

Butt stuffing. 

That’s what a teddy bear sits on.

“Sorry – I thought you said you wanted me to lay it all on the table.”

Takes it off the table, and puts it back in his pants.

Did you guys know you can cover food in Saran Wrap too?

Unintentional quote of the day: “Stop playing with it, and eat it!”

Here’s to stuffing a bird on your Thanksgiving table … especially if you’re not even having turkey.

“Smell this,” she said. “Do you think it’s still good?”

“It is a little stanky … but I’d still eat it.”

Let’s all come together for the holidays.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. The other Pilgrims were on the Mayflower. My ancestors took the De-flower.

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Turkey Tyme - Thanksgiving Fun

If ye cometh at the table, ye shall be asked to leave!

Ye may laugh, however.

Mom sure loves cooking

Johnny's mother was preparing a big Thanksgiving feast, and all the guests arrived at the same time.

He greeted them at the door. "Happy Thanksgiving," he said.

"Happy Thanksgiving," they replied.

"Where's your mom?" one of them asked.

"In the kitchen … sucking off the turkey."

"She's what?"

"You know, with the baster thing. It sucks off the juice, and squirts it all over?"



Thanksgiving Birth Control Secret

"Have fun, kids. And don't forget the Thanksgiving birth control secret."

"The Thanksgiving birth control secret? What's that?"

"More gobble gobble gobble … and less stuffing."



So there, Grandma

A college girl brought her new boyfriend home for Thanksgiving. The family was seated around the table, watching her grandfather carve the turkey.

"Everything looks delicious," the girl said, and everyone agreed.

"I've got dibs on one of those drumsticks," her grandmother said. "And how about you?" she said to the boyfriend, whom she'd been razzing since he got there. "What are you? A leg man? Or a breast man?"

The girl and her boyfriend exchanged knowing smiles.

"Um," she spoke up for him, "what do you call the meat between the legs? That's what he likes the best, Grandma."



Pilgrim Spermicide

"Did you know that turkey fat was the original spermicide?"

"No."

"In fact, the Pilgrim's swore by it."

"So, how did it work?"

"How did it work? Have you noticed all the white people in America? You friggin' tell me!"



Tom the Turkey

Tom the turkey was drinking beers with one of his buddies.

"You know how a female dog is called a bitch?" he said. "Did you know a female turkey is also called a bitch?"

"They are? That's news to me, man."

"Yeah? Well …" Tom downed the rest of his beer. "… I guess that shows you've never been married to one of 'em."



A Thanksgiving misunderstanding

"Oh dear God! James! What are you doing to the turkey?"

"Just what you said, Pa. You said to go out behind the barn, and …"

"PLUCK the turkey, James! I said to PLUCK the turkey!"



Turkey Bakin'

"Hey―what are you doing in here?"

"A little steamin', a little boilin', a little bakin'…"

"Um … I'm afraid I don't understand."

I'm fixing Thanksgiving dinner."

"You are? But …you're a turkey."

"Yes sir, I am indeed."

"So … what's for dinner? Not a …"

"Turkey? Oh no, of course not. We're having chicken."

"Chicken? Who the Hell ever heard of chicken for Thanksgiving?"

"You have, now. And frankly, I don't give a shit—on Thanksgiving, it's every bird for them-fuckin'-selves!"



Pokin' and Prayin' Pilgrims

"What's the huge smile on your face for?" said one Pilgrim girl to the other. "All these chores we have to do?"

"No, silly. On the way here, Nethaniel stopped me, and took me into the woods. He absolutely ravaged me―it was wonderful."

"Oh … well … I'm sure our religion doesn't tolerate that. I sure hope you don't burn in Hell for it."

"Aw, don't be silly. It was just like church; we prayed the entire time."

"You did?"

"We sure did. I kept saying 'Oh God' , and he kept saying 'Oh God' …"



Happy Thanksgiving!


-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks, Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Turkey Tyme - Thanksgiving Fun

If ye cometh at the table, ye shall be asked to leave!

Ye may laugh, however.

Mom sure loves cooking

Johnny's mother was preparing a big Thanksgiving feast, and all the guests arrived at the same time.

He greeted them at the door. "Happy Thanksgiving," he said.

"Happy Thanksgiving," they replied.

"Where's your mom?" one of them asked.

"In the kitchen … sucking off the turkey."

"She's what?"

"You know, with the baster thing. It sucks off the juice, and squirts it all over?"



Thanksgiving Birth Control Secret

"Have fun, kids. And don't forget the Thanksgiving birth control secret."

"The Thanksgiving birth control secret? What's that?"

"More gobble gobble gobble … and less stuffing."



So there, Grandma.

A college girl brought her new boyfriend home for Thanksgiving. The family was seated around the table, watching her grandfather carve the turkey.

"Everything looks delicious," the girl said, and everyone agreed.

"I've got dibs on one of those drumsticks," her grandmother said. "And how about you?" she said to the boyfriend, whom she'd been razzing since he got there. "What are you? A leg man? Or a breast man?"

The girl and her boyfriend exchanged knowing smiles.

"Um," she spoke up for him, "what do you call the meat between the legs? That's what he likes the best, Grandma."



Pilgrim Spermicide

"Did you know that turkey fat was the original spermicide?"

"No."

"In fact, the Pilgrim's swore by it."

"So, how did it work?"

"How did it work? Have you noticed all the white people in America? You friggin' tell me!"



Tom the Turkey

Tom the turkey was drinking beers with one of his buddies.

"You know how a female dog is called a bitch?" he said. "Did you know a female turkey is also called a bitch?"

"They are? That's news to me, man."

"Yeah? Well …" Tom downed the rest of his beer. "… I guess that shows you've never been married to one of 'em."



A Thanksgiving misunderstanding

"Oh dear God! James! What are you doing to the turkey?"

"Just what you said, Pa. You said to go out behind the barn, and …"

"PLUCK the turkey, James! I said to PLUCK the turkey!"



Turkey Bakin'

"Hey―what are you doing in here?"

"A little steamin', a little boilin', a little bakin'…"

"Um … I'm afraid I don't understand."

I'm fixing Thanksgiving dinner."

"You are? But …you're a turkey."

"Yes sir, I am indeed."

"So … what's for dinner? Not a …"

"Turkey? Oh no, of course not. We're having chicken."

"Chicken? Who the Hell ever heard of chicken for Thanksgiving?"

"You have, now. And frankly, I don't give a shit—on Thanksgiving, it's every bird for them-fuckin'-selves!"



Pokin' and Prayin' Pilgrims

"What's the huge smile on your face for?" said one Pilgrim girl to the other. "All these chores we have to do?"

"No, silly. On the way here, Nethaniel stopped me, and took me into the woods. He absolutely ravaged me―it was wonderful."

"Oh … well … I'm sure our religion doesn't tolerate that. I sure hope you don't burn in Hell for it."

"Aw, don't be silly. It was just like church; we prayed the entire time."

"You did?"

"We sure did. I kept saying 'Oh God' , and he kept saying 'Oh God' …"

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim