We know that much of the time, things come down to luck. Just pure, stupid-ass, roulette wheel luck.
If you’re lucky in money, then you have a lot in life.
If you’re not lucky in money, then to have a lot less is your lot in life.
If you’re lucky in love, then your life is nothing but champagne, flowers, climaxes that make you see stars … and more champagne.
And more climaxes.
But if you’re unlucky in love … then life is not so sweet. Sure, you can still have all the champagne, flowers, and climaxes you want—but unfortunately, you’ll have to come up with them on your own.
The unlucky in love have always been S.O.L. (that’s Solo Only Lovin’) on St. Valentine’s Day.
That is, unless they’re at least lucky in money.
If one has the means, then there’s no reason on God’s green Earth why they shouldn’t have a warehouse full of willing nubile bodies, all ready to go with a flash of their benefactor's meaty billfold.
For the rest of you, you’re sadly destined to be shut out of yet another Valentine’s Day―loving yourself … and hating yourself.
Unless you come up with a plan. An ingenious, effective, miracle of a plan.
But let’s face it—it’s not just love and money; you’re not lucky in brains, either. If you had two brain cells to rub together, you probably would have figured out how to become lucky in love, money—or both, by now.
Well, the good news is, you may have shit for brains … but you have a friend in me.
And do I have a Valentine’s day plan for you. It’s delicious in its simplicity, and requires nothing but your cooperation.
If you’re a woman, all you have to do is … leave the house naked.
If you’re a man, do not even think about leaving the house naked. You should go out fully clothed.
Why?
Allow me to explain.
Guys dig naked chicks. I know, it’s shocking, but it’s the truth. Any female who shows up in the buff is sure to attract the attention of someone who really wants to appreciate her (the word ‘appreciate’ being a euphemism for wanting to get intimate with her inner self).
But women do not dig naked men. They think we’re funny looking―and they’re right. If you want to seduce a woman with your naked male body, best stuff a big wad of cash in your butt-crack. That might turn her on… but it will be despite the butt-crack, not because of it.
Women do, however, love to be appreciated. Their tickle-button’s always found somewhere between appreciation, and helping out with the housework (consider those the two legs of romance―get between them). Recall our discussion of the word ‘appreciate’.
And then, once you’re all out of the house, what happens is …
Wait― I’d like to interrupt myself here, and just emphasize the importance of getting out of the house, for the success of this (or any other) St. Valentine’s Day plan. That’s because you’re not going to find Mr. or Ms. Goodtimes hiding under your bed or in the broom closet (but on the odd chance that you do, just put this plan on the shelf ‘till next year, and proceed with the making of the love).
So, back to the plan. The naked ladies and clothed men are out on the town.
Now, all the guys have to do is scoop up all the willing women. They should be quite conspicuous; it should be easy as shooting fish in a barrel, or getting an eyeful on a windy, miniskirt day.
Girls, do your part. Let’s do this the easy way, so then we can do it the hard way. Be into it—you don’t want the indecency of your exposure to have been for naught.
Fellows, get in there—don’t be shy. The babes are never going to be flashing you a clearer signal than this. When you get one in your sights … take the shot, pardner! And don’t be coming back empty handed.
While I’m sure that most of you are onboard, and ready to implement this plan―with gusto―on February 14, there’s bound to be a few skeptics out there (there always are).
They can be skeptical all they want―we’ll just leave them to their own devices (and hope for their sakes they’ve stocked up on plenty of batteries for those devices).
You won’t give a whit, because thanks to this surefire plan of mine, you’ll be busy taking the Saint out of Valentine’s Day. And loving it.
That … is what friends are for.
No need to thank me.
-Harlowe Pilgrim
PS. Don’t call me to post bail, or for a ride to the clinic, okay? I’m just the idea guy.
This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2013.
Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC
