Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Tweeting Fool’ - no. 1

Just a few lines, from there to here, that I’ve dropped on the Twittersphere.

In no particular disorder …

None of my teachers ever gave me a second look.
Honestly, I feel kind of rejected.
Oh well - it was their loss.

Why is the guy who fixes your collision damage not called a 'dentist'?

She said she wanted my cumquat.
Turns out, that's not what it sounds like at all.

buysexual = frequents prostitutes

My plan to save the planet this weekend: empty as many beer bottles as possible, so they can be recycled.

He said, "I'm not a zombie ... I just want to eat your brains out."

Sometimes I really want to be a sperm donor ... but it comes ... and it goes.

I said I have weedS growing in my garden.

What happened to healthy, wealthy, and wise ... you drunk, broke, dumbass?

For Unlawful Carnival Knowledge: doin' it clown-style (e.g. squeeky nose *not* worn on your nose).
Usually involves a squirting flower.

Every spring, we see an uptick in drunk diving. Swimmers beware.

Good news: Blowjobless claims were down last month ... 
which is what we were 'shooting' for.

Who’s got male in their inbox?
Who wants some?

"It ain't English."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2015 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at Amazon, iBooks, 
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Some readers have reported spontaneous orgasms from my books ...

I don't happen to believe them, but don't you think you should find out for yourself?

Maybe it will work!

Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at Amazon, iBooks, 
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Better keep something handy to clean up with, just in case.

And please forward this to all your horny friends - you know they'll be grateful.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

"And here, we have an aerial photograph of Washington DC."

"Is that the Capitol building, or the White House?"

"It's hard to tell from this altitude."

"Maybe the snakes should wear name tags."

"It wouldn't make much difference ... the snakes are all the same."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2015 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,

Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim