"We have so much more to talk
about, Arnold."
"That's fine—don't
worry about it. I'm not going anywhere."
"Wow, that's really cooperative of
you. Thanks."
"Don't thank me, Harlowe.
Thank your twisted fucking mind for pretending I'm here in the first
place."
"Oh yeah, right. Thank me
then, I guess."
"Yeah, I was just thinking, you
must have really enjoyed Clint Eastwood's act at the Republican
convention, talking to that empty chair, and all of that. It was
kind of like what you're doing now."
"Yeah, I thought it was cool; I'm
a big Clint fan, like I'm a big Arnold
fan."
"Actually, I liked it too, because
I'm a big Clint fan, as well as a big Arnold fan. But why did he not
use any of his signature lines? Like, Are you feeling lucky,
punk? And, A man needs to know his limitations. I would
have said Hasta la vista, baby."
"I'm sure you would have worked it
in somewhere. I guess Clint didn't talk to you first, Arnie."
"I heard he didn't speak to
anybody, first."
"Do you mind if I call you Arnie,
Arnie?"
"I wouldn't—or
it might be hasta la vista for Harlowe Pilgrim, baby."
"Oh, sorry. Baby."
"And are you sure you're such a
big Arnold fan? Have you heard the questions you're asking
me? It sounds kind of like you're trying to make me sound like some
kind of an asshole …"
"Well, I'm mostly asking you about
stuff that's supposed to be in your book. Were you trying to make
yourself sound like an asshole when you wrote the book?"
"I wasn't that worried about it.
I was only worried about telling the truth."
"And that's why you're out
promoting the book, right?"
"Yes, and to sell books, and to
veasel my way back into the public eye."
"Veasel means weasel,
right?"
"Yes, veasel."
"Okay …
so there you go. I'm only trying to help."
"Okay—your
apology is accepted. Next question, please."
"Alright Arnold. Now we'll turn
to … your career."
"My career? What about it?"
"You're trying to get it cranking
again correct?"
"This is correct."
"So, I have some ideas for that.
Mind if I run them by you?"
"I don't really mind your
suggestions. I'm open to trying different things."
"I've heard that about you,
too. So first, I was thinking you could come out with a new line of
maternity maid outfits."
"Not a bad idea. I know you're
trying to be a smartass, but it my experience, maids do get laid—and
when it results in impregnation, they do need something to wear."
"I thought it was a pretty good
idea."
"But don't they already make
maternity uniforms?"
"Sure, somebody does. But none of
them have your name on them."
"This is true. With my uniforms,
it's like having Arnold all over you."
"There you go …
who wouldn't want that?"
"Nobody wouldn't want that; I'll
talk to my people, and get the veels turning. Okay, what
else?"
"Uh …
veels
are wheels,
right Arnold?"
"Yes,
this is what I said: get the veels
turning. Now, what else?"
"Okay. How about …
a line of Arnold fertility clinics? I can hear it now: We're
here to KNOCK … YOU UP!"
"Ha Ha, very funny. I could be
talked into that one; I like the tag line."
"Good. I was also thinking of a
special line of metallic-look Terminator Cyborg condoms, maybe with a
glowing red eye in the tip."
"Nah, I don't
really believe in condoms; I never use them."
"Well
Arnold—I
know that, and you
know that—and
everyone else knows
that now—but
that doesn't mean it couldn't sell. Just give it some thought,
okay?"
"You
have my word. And that word is no—I
think I'm going to pass on that one."
"How about a
sex toy, called the Governator Masturbator? That could be a
success."
"Nah, I don't
want a bunch of people going blind and blaming me for it. What
else?"
"Another
film project would be good. How about a Wizard of Oz
remake, where the wicked witch sends a homicidal robot back in time
to kill Dorothy."
"And Toto,
too?"
"Yeah, and her
little dog, too."
"Can
the vicked vitch be
someone grope-able?"
"Well, yeah!
We're not casting any ugly bitches in your movies."
"I
thought we were talking vitches."
"We
were. Witches."
"Okay, I'm
sold. I'll have my people call some other people, and make it
happen."
"Cool. I'm
glad you're into my idea."
"Yeah, great.
Is that the last one, or what?"
"Almost; I have on e more good
one."
"Okay, what is this?"
"What it you started a singing
career? I remember the scene from Twins, when you were on the
plane, singing Yakety Yak. That was memorable."
"Yakety Yak—Don't
talk back! Ah, the good old days. Danny Devito was one of my
hottest co-stars."
"He was? Hotter that Brigitte
Nielson, when you filmed Red Sonja?"
"Yes. He was always very warm.
And vicked funny."
"So you like the singing career
idea?"
"Maybe. To tell you the truth,
I've always wanted to try rap. Vord to
your mother."
"Uh
…
that's word to your
mother, right Arnold?"
###
May
Be Continued …
-Harlowe
Pilgrim
Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC
