Wise Ass Crackers

Thank you, history, for the orgy of wise words you’ve kept for us, stowed deep and wide in your voluminous anals.

Wisdom (like knowing how to spell ‘annals’) is always a precious commodity … especially these days, when we’re bereft of common sense.

If you can’t have common sense, you might as well at least have some wisdom.

It’s like wearing a mini skirt without panties, on a windy day.

You’re essentially exposed and vulnerable ... but even a just a little rustling fabric might still be enough to keep your ass from getting sunburned.

Something’s better than nothing.

Now, wise as these wise old words, bestowed upon us by wise old Crackers, are …

(these guys are so old they’re dead, folks—and ‘Crackers’ because they’re whiter than Moby Dick—with the exception of Jesus Christ and whoever else probably wasn’t white)

… they’re always ripe for a fresh look, and a little spit and polish. Looking under all those old rocks gives us the opportunity to search for the deeper (read that ‘salacious’) meanings in what may appear, at first glance, to be a relatively sanitary selection of sayings.

Let’s show them the disrespect you’ve come to expect, and have our way with yesterday.

I see their asses are in the air—let’s jump right in.

There’s an old Latin Proverb that informs, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” Now, to this I may take exception: I’m much more interested in getting my bird into that bush, than I am standing around here holding it in my hand.

And an old English Proverb tells us, “A good example is the best semen.” Yeah? A good example of what? Something that dries like crazy glue? Oh, the proverb actually says, “A good example is the best sermon.” Sorry—that was my bad Freudian slip.

A Greek Proverb tells us, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” Well, with good luck, you’ll get up close enough to get a little shot of beauty in your eye.

And while we’re on beauty, I should note Sir Thomas Overbury’s contribution, “Beauty is only skin deep.” Fortunately, from what I’ve found, the skin actually goes quite deep, and it’s very moist, and beautiful all the way in.

Jesus Christ is said to have said, “It is better to give than to receive.” Clearly, what Jesus had in mind when dispensing this wisdom, was a prison-style forced-entry shafting. And to that, truer words have never been said.

But if you do end up on the wrong side of such a rough rump wrangling, just remember, as John Heywood wrote, “A hard beginning maketh a good ending”. Hey, you never know.

Also attributed to Mr. Haywood is the gem, “Many hands make light work.” - which happens to make complete sense to me. Ladies, take note – and take hold. Light work and light jerk. Stroke away, stroke away.

According to Abraham Maslow, “If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.” I’m not sure about that, but I do know that when you come across something to nail, you better hit it, while you can. And in this case, it’s perfectly acceptable if you bend the nail over.

Thomas Chandler Haliburton wrote that "Life isn't all beer and skittles.” I’m just blown away that he had the prescience to write it more than 100 years before anyone had ever heard of the fruity chewy candy. The man was cavities before his time.

William Shakespeare penned the line, “Better three hours too soon than a minute too late.” - but an older Roman Proverb instructed us, “Better late than never.” Apparently, Mr. Proverb was not the premature ejaculator that Shakespeare was.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.” This little pearl of wisdom comes to us by way of St. Jerome, about 400 AD. And it occurs to me that the truth of the statement has much broader application that just looking into gift horse mouths. How about, “Don’t punch a gift horse in the mouth”? That is, unless the son-of-a-bitch really asks for it. And “Never fuck a gift horse in the mouth.” If you need an explanation why ... then you don’t deserve an explanation, Sugarcube.

Longfellow informed us that, “If you would hit the mark, you must aim a little above it.” Personally, I’ve always found that the best way to hit the mark is to slide right into it. Repeatedly. You’d think a guy they called Longfellow would have had the wherewithal to probe a little deeper.

Although he also wrote, “Into every life a little rain must fall.” So, the big guy must have been doing something right.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote that, “The reward of a thing well done, is to have done it.” Unless you’re not careful in the bedroom; then the reward might be parenthood, or some other sexually transmitted disease. In that case, the words of Samuel Lover ring true. “Better to be safe than sorry.” Indeed.

And according to Ben Franklin, “Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” Wise as that is, I would expand on that to say, “Early to bed and then sleeping late, gives you more time, to copulate.” Or “... more time to violate your mate”? “... something, something, masturbate”? You get the idea. I’m sure Mister Franklin would be on board.

Speaking of (or rather, writing of) being ‘on board’, our expedition here has reached its conclusion.

Come now, it’s time to get off.

Like that mini skirt without panties on a windy day, it’s been hard for me to look away—and I hope it has been for you too.

And thank you, wise old Crackers, for the word-orgy.

I’m ready for a drink and a smoke.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. If you have an interesting take on some wise old words, I’m willing to entertain your contribution.

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks, Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim