The Joys of Self-Driving Cars and the F’ng Future

Great news! The future is coming … and it’s getting everywhere!

In fact, it’s shooting right into our G-Spots.

And by G-Spots, I mean garages.

According to technology soothsayers and media smart arses, you’re going to have a self-driving car in your garage faster than you can say “Let’s hook up.”

Like big-butt injections and sexting teachers, they are the new reality.

It’s only a matter of time before driver’s licenses go the way of your underwear—you’ll never have them on you.

Think you’ll be able to avoid what’s coming? That’s what your mom thought … and you see how that worked out.

Sure, they’re easing us into self-driving cars slowly—with just a few experimental shitboxes (I mean, vehicles) on the road to start.

But trust me, the machines are taking over.

(Look no further than the toy collection in your dresser drawer for evidence of that.)

What’s that? You prefer to do your own driving? Think you can leave self-driving cars to the techo freaks and eco geeks?

Think again. Now that the Internet-government machine has control of some cars … you don’t really expect them to let you control your car … do you?

Yeah, right. And they’ll probably decide to let you spend your own money, while they’re at it.

As Mother Theresa probably never said … fat fucking chance.

All too soon will the day be upon us, you’ll be able to drive yourself crazy, but that will be about it.

But fear ye not … all will not be lost. Every cloud has a silver lining. Or so they say. Although if that were true, it seems that every cloud would be … silver.

Silver-lined or not, consider a moment that which has driven most technological development and human endeavor from the the beginning of time: Sex.

(I know … you were probably already considering it. I was.)

And specifically, consider the relentless hip thrust that pushes (cue the thumping disco beat) the Internet (soon to be your chauffeur) deeper and deeper into our moist, chewy centers: Pornography.

(Hope I didn’t make it sound too dirty.)

That’s right, the internet flourishes for the purposes of porn viewing, porn sharing, and self-gratification, despite all attempts at nobler justification.

Now, behind the wheel, all of this sexy-business can be problematic … ranging from ‘Seconds to Orgasm Acceleration Syndrome’ to having to fill out ‘Wet Hands Slippery Grippery’ accident reports.

But … only if you’re the one driving!

In terms of sexual gratification on the road, safety has just lurched forward by leaps and bounds!

Like a pelvis in the throes …

And if you think safety will be the only thing looking up, you have another thing coming. (Again?)

Self-driving cars give us so much more to think about.

Just wait until you wrap your hands around … all the time you’ll save not driving! Thanks to self-driving cars, there’ll be plenty of time to stop and smell the smut.

And we pretty much already covered that time on your hands, equals time for your hands on yourself.

Which is going to lead to the need for … a whole lot of cleaning supplies.

Will these cars have Kleenex dispensers?

They’ll probably have have lotion dispensers.

Disinfecting wipes, anyone?

Let’s not shake hands.

Bring on that vinyl—we need something that doesn’t stain. They could use it for the car interiors, too.

And bring on the wrist injuries (and carpal tunnel for the ladies. Or is that carpet tunnel?). You think you’ve stayed in masturbating shape? Even so, with the increased workload, you’ll take a beating.

Think you spend a lot of time in the car now? Trust me, you’ll never want to get out of a car that you always get off in.

Can we just stop at a drive-thru?

“Chhh … Welcome to McDonald King. May I take your order?”

“Yeah, can I get a large whatever feels best rubbed on your penis?”

“Certainly … will that be all?”

What else is there?

A you-make-me shake?

Guys won’t be able to get out of car anyway—they’ll always have a boner. Even more so than is already the case.

In fact, we may need reverse ED drugs to calm that bad boy down. Even more so than we already do.

Or one could travel with their mother-in-law. Her deflationary effects are well-known.

By the way, are these cars going to have tinted windows? Can we make that standard equipment? I don’t see why not (but the tint’s so dark, I can’t see anything—thankfully).

Also, might as well install a vibrator dock where the cigarette lighter used to be. Hope it doesn’t come out as hot as the cigarette lighters used to.

Now, thanks a bunch for the self-driving cars, but … speaking of vibrator docks and other feats of high tech trickery … what about all the other important stuff we were supposed to be getting in the future?

Where are my x-ray glasses?

“Darling, I AM looking you in the eye.” (Eye meaning … nipple.)

Where are the robots with sexy bodies? Life will be much better with robots with sexy bodies. We’re talking, perky robot boobies and rockin’ robot booties, here.

How about a reusable condom? A nice resealable package might mean less work for the ladies tearing them open (the packages, not the condoms—hopefully).

Speaking of the ladies, how about pads and tampons that can be used more than once? Just wring them out, like a chamois. I even have a name … the Everlasting Gobbstopper.

Get me Willy Wonka on the phone.

The Willy Wonka would actually be a good name for the aforementioned reusable condom—think Willy’d be interested?

And sometime in the near future, we’re supposed to be getting … invisibility cloaks! As Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh the Places You Will Go!”

Clearly, the doctor knew the future was coming.

Soon, there will be 3-D printing of bones—which will be nice, because then you’ll have a reason to print out all of those dick pics you’ve been getting.

How about that pill for obesity? We have it already. How many calories are in pills? None? Then if you only eat pills … you’ll lose weight, won’t you? Why wouldn’t that work?

Of course it will work.

And where is the cure for losing your hair? Also done. Just wear a swimming cap. Your hair might still fall out—but you won’t lose it. It’ll be right there in the cap.

Will there be self-walking pants? Self-dropping pants is more like it.

Dresses with a built-it wind tunnel?

What did you eat last night? Seems you already have a built-in wind tunnel.

How about eating bio-engineered Frankenmeat?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t need the competition.

But what about the future?

The reality is, self-driving cars will drop a load of benefits.

Although some will be put off by all of the masters and baiting and other filth they will bring … just how big (and hard) will the updick in self-gratification really be?

As a matter of fact, there’s already a hole lot of masturbation going on behind the wheel today (my trucker friends have seen what you do—don’t try to deny it) … only, when you do it and drive, it’s multi-tasking.

Now you’ll finally be able to concentrate.

And, at least speeding tickets will become a thing of the past.

“Oh, was I speeding, Officer? Well, Google was the one driving.”

The Internet made me do it.

Not that the pieces of shit will be able to exceed the speed limit anyhow.

And, does anybody go on dates anymore? I mean, dates with real people?

One of the best things about traditional driver-driven cars, from a young lady’s point of view is … driving keeps their date from … well, molesting them. At least, operating a motor vehicle provides a minimal distraction from that hottie body in the passenger seat, and gives his hands something to do besides groping (for one hand, at least).

With self-driving cars, there’s nothing to do on the way to dinner but … what, talk?

Nope, better have a Plan B. If you blow your (conversational) load on the road, you won’t have anything to talk about over dinner. You must! must! must! figure out how to have sex on the way … or the meal … will be awkward.

Which leads to another futuristic problem:

Space.

In that, every self-driving car I’ve seen lacks the interior space for two full-sized adults to copulate … even a little. Midget on midget copulation … maybe. Midget on full-sized adult … worth a try, but you’re gonna have to open the sunroof.

And, if anyreader out there likes to party … then self-driving cars could be just the thing for them! (And everybody else on the road.) Bring on the wet bars!

I wonder if any drunk drivers have tried to get by with this in their regular, driver-driven rides.

“Officer, I thought my car was driving itself, I swear. Care for a nip?”

“Please button your blouse, ma’am. And step out of the car.”

The self-driving cars will compliment one big trend we’d riding these days: marijuana legalization.

Picture streets filled with self-driving cars, all rolling smoke like Cheech and Chong’s old low-rider Impala.

So, environmentally friendly, they are. Emissions-free, they ain’t exactly.

“Hey man, your car is smoking.”

“It is? It better be smoking ITS OWN weed.”

At least it probably knows its own way to Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.

Which is what I call a modern-ass convenience.

And reminds me of one modern-ass convenience I’m NOT interested in.

Will self-driving cars wash themselves?

I hope the Hell not.

Because I sure don’t want to put soapy girls in bikinis out of work.

Nobody wants that.

Make sure you get the dirty parts.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. Who wants to carpool?

Copyright 2015 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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