Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Tweeting Fool’ #6

Pithy thoughts and wanderings …

  

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How the Hell am I supposed to fertilize the entire garden?

She said, “There’s bread for the ducks in the cupboard.”

He said, “Since when are there ducks in the cupboard?”

I sordid her dirty laundry.

“Just tell me what it’s gonna take to get you in this bed tonight.”

 (furniture salesman)

Making a baby in the shower, and a baby shower, are two entirely different things.

For one thing, with baby showers, the daddy-to-be doesn’t usually come.

Watch your pussies around the grill.

Fire and pets do NOT mix.

Confucius say,

“NASCAR not prove who is right. NASCAR prove who can turn left.”

Shower lifeguard duty last night.

 Don’t worry – everybody that came in, came out.  

I’m afraid I’m losing the squirt-gun battle of the sexes.

 Mine has the range and accuracy … but the lady’s squirter has unlimited ammo.

The worst thing about tornadoes is, you feel like you’re always pissing around in circles. And then it hits you …

Smoking crack again?

Better put some ice on that.

My all-time favorite Italian wrestling move … the Spaghetti Squash.

It’s been a while since I’ve been in Georgia.

I should give her a call.

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-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2016 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at Amazon, iBooks, 
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim


And on Pinterest

Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Tweeting Fool’ #5

Pithy thoughts and wanderings …

  

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Sports bar or sports bra?

Oh, Hooters.

Heard about the new musical 'Lesbian Miserables'?

They're depressed, they're french, they're girl on girl...

and they're singing about it.

"I see you're hitting the 'hard stuff' again."

(said to an obviously pregnant woman who can hopefully take a joke)

Introduce yourself by sticking your nose in her crotch like a dog.

 If she just smiles and pets you, she's a keeper.

Sleep with things that go hump in the night.

Nice work! You can fock and chew gum at the same time! 

Save a seahorse ... ride a mermaid!

The only twisters I like are the 'titty' kind.

What could be better than the zoo?

Bear-naked asses, man-eating pussy ...

You know what they say: "If life gives you bunions ... make bunion rings".

"I'm having a hard time dealing with withdrawal." Penis said.

Can I borrow your pink highlighter?"

Casual naked Friday's at the office.

"I put it in your inbox."

The legs here stay open around the cock.

  

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-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2016 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at Amazon, iBooks, 
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim


And on Pinterest

Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Tweeting Fool’ - #4

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Woke up at the crack of Dawn this morning ... come to think of it, 'Dawn' was probably just her stage name.

“Everyone please put your vibrators on phone, and we’ll begin.”

You know you’ve made it when you can go on a breast milk diet

and hire a squad of lactating cheerleaders to suckle.

 'Camille Toe: The story of a woman with an unfortunate name'

"She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes."

I know that's a long ways, but I've been teasing her awhile ...

Introduce yourself by sticking your nose in her crotch like a dog.

If she just smiles and pets you, she's a keeper.

“Don’t takem’ off – just pull them down around your ankles.”

(socks?)

It's all fun and games ... until someone forgets to take her pill.

The new iPad will be more absorbent, and have wings.

And thankfully, a remote control.

Cunny Lingus - the new Irish airline everyone wants to fly.

“Ah, the nursing home … where nobody’s fertile, and memories are so short.”

Sounds like a come dream true.

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-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2015 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at Amazon, iBooks, 
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Tweeting Fool’ - no. 3

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I'm very fortunate to be with an adult film star.
And I'm very fortunate she hasn't found the films.

“How about a boot in the ass?” she said. “Is that kinky enough?”

vagabond: the bond formed when one becomes attached to
a particular vag.

Which life is your pussy on? #ninelives

The new iPad will be more absorbent, and have wings.
And thankfully, a remote control.

Conflict Resolution 101: Once you get into it, just go back and forth, until both parties cum to an agreement.
See also: makeup sex

camel tow: the Middle Eastern take on tractor pulling

It's all fun and games ... until you wake up bound, gagged, and naked.

Have you heard of Sheikh Yabooty - the disco dancing cleric?

Beware the Wal-Mart parking lot on windy days.
Just take my word for it.

Why is something that’s supposed to hit a target, called a missile?

I sure love naked yoga - I get to be the mat.
From the half lotus, to the reverse cowgirl …

I guess I'd rather have my mind blown, than nothing at all.

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-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2015 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at Amazon, iBooks, 
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Tweeting Fool’ - no. 2

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Do they call the residents of Tampa, 'Tampons'?

“Everyone please put your vibrators on phone, and we’ll begin.”

MPH = Margaritas Per Hour

"Geez mom," the just-delivered baby said. "Why don't you close your legs and sit like a lady?

No wonder you got yourself in trouble."

hike-ku: a poem about football

Creamation is not nearly as much fun as its misspelling would lead you to believe.

Is 'sexual battery' the kind that sex toys take?

How did Al Gore invent the internet?

He used Al-Gore-rithms.

Failed product idea: exfoliating sex lube

(too much wear and tear, between your legs down there).

Is it true that every time a toilet in the US is flushed, a shit volcano erupts in China?

Sometimes I really want to be a sperm donor ...

but it comes ...

and it goes.

bank throbber: a dude who uses his erect member to hold up (not in an Atlas sense) a bank.

Sounds like a come dream true.

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-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2015 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at Amazon, iBooks, 
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Tweeting Fool’ - no. 1

Just a few lines, from there to here, that I’ve dropped on the Twittersphere.

In no particular disorder …

None of my teachers ever gave me a second look.
Honestly, I feel kind of rejected.
Oh well - it was their loss.

Why is the guy who fixes your collision damage not called a 'dentist'?

She said she wanted my cumquat.
Turns out, that's not what it sounds like at all.

buysexual = frequents prostitutes

My plan to save the planet this weekend: empty as many beer bottles as possible, so they can be recycled.

He said, "I'm not a zombie ... I just want to eat your brains out."

Sometimes I really want to be a sperm donor ... but it comes ... and it goes.

I said I have weedS growing in my garden.

What happened to healthy, wealthy, and wise ... you drunk, broke, dumbass?

For Unlawful Carnival Knowledge: doin' it clown-style (e.g. squeeky nose *not* worn on your nose).
Usually involves a squirting flower.

Every spring, we see an uptick in drunk diving. Swimmers beware.

Good news: Blowjobless claims were down last month ... 
which is what we were 'shooting' for.

Who’s got male in their inbox?
Who wants some?

"It ain't English."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2015 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at Amazon, iBooks, 
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim's 'Tweeting Fool' - Thanksgiving Issue

The Pilgrims came on the Mayflower.
Some … more than others.

“I’m thankful for my mommy, and daddy, and the airline who lost mommy’s pills when they went home for Thanksgiving, the year before I was born.”

“Shut your pie hole!” he said.
 She frowned, looked down at her lap, and closed her legs.

“Scuse me while I eat some pie.” -Jimi Hendrix, Thanksgiving dinner 1968

“I’m all about the baste, ‘bout the baste, ‘bout the baste. I’m all about that baste … that turkey.”

After sampling her entire family’s pies … no wonder I needed a nap.

She hauled off and slapped him. “I do NOT look like a turkey!”

“Sweetheart … I said you had a foul mouth … not a fowl mouth!”

I heard that all pies are fun-sized.

Really, they all come that way.

Who wants to trade a breast for some stuffing?

Is that a turkey in your pants … or is your cunt trying to gobble me?
Oh, it’s a turkey?
That’s weird and disappointing.

Happy Fucksgiving.
As if any of us would really give one.

“We’re having turkey bacon.”
“Huh. You sure it’s okay for people too?”

What’s your favorite part of the pie? Mine’s … the filling.

Already thinking of inviting Miley Cyrus over for some Thanksgiving twerky.

When does the gravy come out? Keep tickling my giblets, and it should be coming.

Boy, you got to eat the pie *before* you fill it.

I’ve never seen you turn down ‘more stuffing’.

I’ll bring the baby gravy.
I mean, I’ll bring the gravy, baby.

If you like her baking … 

… you should try her pie.

I’ve never heard her say she’s had too much stuffing.

“White women all want to look under my loincloth.” Chief Fucking Bear, present at the first Thanksgiving orgy.

Stuff the fucking, please … I mean, fuck the stuffing, please … 
Sorry—just pass the stuffing, will you?

This holiday season, be sure to take some time and share your meat, with the needy.

If you spread her legs so wide they snap … 

… hopefully, you’re talking turkey.

“You can drop a load right here”. 

Well put, Grandma.

There’s no excuse for letting that pie go to waste.

Butt stuffing. 

That’s what a teddy bear sits on.

“Sorry – I thought you said you wanted me to lay it all on the table.”

Takes it off the table, and puts it back in his pants.

Did you guys know you can cover food in Saran Wrap too?

Unintentional quote of the day: “Stop playing with it, and eat it!”

Here’s to stuffing a bird on your Thanksgiving table … especially if you’re not even having turkey.

“Smell this,” she said. “Do you think it’s still good?”

“It is a little stanky … but I’d still eat it.”

Let’s all come together for the holidays.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. The other Pilgrims were on the Mayflower. My ancestors took the De-flower.

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim