Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Tweeting Fool’ - no. 1

Just a few lines, from there to here, that I’ve dropped on the Twittersphere.

In no particular disorder …

None of my teachers ever gave me a second look.
Honestly, I feel kind of rejected.
Oh well - it was their loss.

Why is the guy who fixes your collision damage not called a 'dentist'?

She said she wanted my cumquat.
Turns out, that's not what it sounds like at all.

buysexual = frequents prostitutes

My plan to save the planet this weekend: empty as many beer bottles as possible, so they can be recycled.

He said, "I'm not a zombie ... I just want to eat your brains out."

Sometimes I really want to be a sperm donor ... but it comes ... and it goes.

I said I have weedS growing in my garden.

What happened to healthy, wealthy, and wise ... you drunk, broke, dumbass?

For Unlawful Carnival Knowledge: doin' it clown-style (e.g. squeeky nose *not* worn on your nose).
Usually involves a squirting flower.

Every spring, we see an uptick in drunk diving. Swimmers beware.

Good news: Blowjobless claims were down last month ... 
which is what we were 'shooting' for.

Who’s got male in their inbox?
Who wants some?

"It ain't English."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2015 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at Amazon, iBooks, 
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