Harlowe Pilgrim's 'Tweeting Fool' - Tricks or Tweets 2

More Halloween tweets, by popular demand.

(At least, nobody tried to stop me.)

You kids pass out the trick-or-treat candy. I'll be upstairs with your mummy.

Thinking of being a snake for Halloween …

Just can’t figure out what to do with the rest of my body.

“I want to go as a beaver,” he said. “Mind if I wear yours out?”

Why did the skeleton girl break up with her boyfriend?

She had enough bones of her own.

Wait – it’s not what it looks like! My dick’s going as a pumpkin this year, and … he’s just trying on his costume.

I’ll plant one in your pumpkin patch. Come on, Pumpkin.

If you’re being attacked by a werewolf, just shoot him a Coors.

It’s the silver bullet.

One of these days, The Great Pumpkin is going to come.

You must be a ghost, baby … because you’re scary good under the sheets.

“Your daughter’s a real screamer, Sir.”

Said innocently after taking her out to a horror move.

And never, ever said again.

The best way to get your own bunch of little trick-or-treaters?

Keep letting your lollipop break out of the bag.

“How about some skull for Halloween?”

“I have a better idea,” she said. “How about some severed head?”

You wanna know how I’m like a bat, honey?

We’ll both get in your hair, and make you scream.

I’m surprised you can still say black cats are bad luck.

Every thing is not what it screams.

Here, ride THIS broomstick … you witch.

Hey, that’s a great skank costume. And it’s not even Halloween yet.

… but deliver us some evil … I mean ‘from’ evil.

What do you call a couple of dead people having sex?

Two fucking stiff … and two fucking funky.

"I'm not a zombie ... I just want to eat your brains out."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. How sincere is your pumpin’ patch?

(with apologies to Linus and The Great Pumpkin)

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Empty-Handed on Halloween

My smartass friend made himself 

up as a Jehovah's Witness

(complete with handouts) 

and went door to door trick-or-treating.

And what happened?







Everyone turned out their

lights and pretended they

weren’t home!

So there you go.

No tricks.

And no treats.

Think he’d have better luck,

if he tried it on Halloween?

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim's 'Tweeting Fool' - Tricks or Tweets

Halloween quibbles, for you to nibble.

So tricks or tweets, it's up to you ...

(Yes, I actually tweet this shit)

“The Devil made me do it!”

Apparently not considered a good or funny excuse by the church elders.

Old Salem,

where the warlocks were hung,

and the witches were glad.

The naked, hands-free pumpkin carry …

Just the thing, for when you’re sick of bobbing for apples.

Trick or treat,

it smells like feet,

but otherwise not a bad pussy t’weet.

Oktoberfest brews are my favorite.

Which I guess makes the others my second favorite.

The best thing about Autumn is putting it incider.

"And for my next trick, I'll make your virginity ... disappear!" - Cherry Houdini

“Oh, I see,” said the nurse as she went to the supply cabinet. “We’re going to need the long gloves for you.”
Snap Snap
Gulp

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater, had a wife but couldn’t keep her.

She took off when she figured out ‘Pumpkin’ was a stripper, not a squash.

The sin will come up tomorrow.

Even you have a soul. Ass-soul.

Honey, I said to ‘shuck’ the corn.

I know it rhymes … but it’s not the same thing.

It’s colder than a witch’s tit outside?

Then maybe she should go inside … it’s less nippy in there.

And down came a spider, who crawled up inside her.

So that’s all I was doing … smooshing the spider.

“I’d eat it,” she said, “if it was a candy bar.”

“We’ll see about that.” I Snickered.

Do you have the devil inside?

Would you like the devil inside?

Slutty costumes are on sale now.

You’ll want to stock up.

Let’s see … her eyes are rolled back, and her head’s spinning around …

She’s either coming,

or I hope there’s an exorcist coming.

Shake your mummy maker.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. See the fun you're missing if you don't follow me on Twitter?

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at www.cockandbullpublishing.com, Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Scary Funny

A few treats for Halloween …

Wrapped up in Halloween

A man wraps his member in a ton of gauze, so it looks enormous, and takes it downstairs to show his wife.

"Trick or treat, honey," he says, proudly thrusting it at her.

"It must be a trick," she says, "because we both know there's no way the little guy could hold up all that gauze on its own."


Halloween Hookin'

A kid in a costume walks up to a couple of sexy hookers standing on a street corner.

"Trick or treat!" the kid says to them.

One hooker looks at the other, and smiles a slutty smile. "I don't know," she says. "How do you turn a treat?"


A goblin

"Do you think I should be a goblin for Halloween?" the young lady asked her boyfriend.

"Sure," he answered, zipping down his fly. "But why wait 'till Halloween?"


Too spirited

I went on a few dates with a good lookin' ghost, but it didn't end very well.

The last time we went out, she slapped me across my face!

And all I did … was feel her BOO-bies.


Scary-ass costume

A trick or treater came to my door wearing an Obama mask.

I reacted instantly, slamming the door in his face, and running to hide under my bed.

I've always been scared to death of clowns.

(feel free to substitute the politician of your choosing)


She really gave it up

A mom overhear's her son on the phone.

"Yeah, she opened it up wide for me, and I went in deep … everything I wanted, she just let me take it … a bunch of other guys came too … and she took care of 'em all. She's the easiest one I know—that's for sure. You should hit that! Okay, I'll see you later."

He hung up the phone, and mom made her presence known.

"Uh hum … well, I never … I don't know what to say! You just wait 'till your father comes home, young man!"

"Why, mom? You think he's gonna want some of my trick or treat candy? I was just telling my friend, old Mrs. Thomas really gave it up—but shouldn't dad have to get his own costume? And get his own damn candy?"


Halloween wisdom

Eat as much as you can, and keep some wrappers handy.

Because if you let a pixie stick pour into your goody bag …

you might end up with a little monster.


Frankenstein's penis

A not so well-known fact is that the Frankenstein monster's penis was sourced from the corpse of a donkey-dicked porn star.

Unfortunately, Frankenstein was so strong, and used his penis so hard, that the stitching which held it in place was overpowered and snapped, rendering the once mighty monster sexless and frustrated.

Which was what all the moaning and groaning and asshole behavior was about.

Think of all the sexless and frustrated people you know. They probably act the same way.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Horse’s Arse

“Are you going to the Halloween party this year?” her friend asked.

“Yes. We're going as a horse.”

“And,” her husband added, “I'm going to be the horse’s arse.”

“Not only that,” his wife said, “but since it’s Halloween, he also gets to wear a costume.”

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Twas Halloween Night

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Scary-ass costume

A trick-or-treater came to my door wearing an Obama mask.

I reacted instantly, slamming the door in his face, and running to hide under my bed.

I've always been scared to death of clowns.

(feel free to substitute the politician of your choosing)

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

A goblin

"Do you think I should be a goblin for Halloween?" the young lady asked her boyfriend.

"Sure," he answered, zipping down his fly. "But why wait 'till Halloween?"

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim