Hello everybody. I’m Harlowe Pilgrim, author of the novel Jesus Vs. Santa. When I finished the book, I conducted interviews with some of its stars.
My interview with Jesus Christ went like this:
Pilgrim: So, I’m here with Jesus Christ, one of the stars of my new book, Jesus Vs. Santa.
Christ: The star, I think you mean—and I thought it was our book.
Pilgrim: That’s what I meant to say—our book.
Christ: I like the sound of that better.
Pilgrim: Great. Well, now that the book’s done, what do you think? Have you had a chance to look over the finished product?
Christ: Yeah, I had a chance to thumb through it.
Pilgrim: Did you like it?
Christ: Did I like it? Hmmm … well, I thought it was a good start.
Pilgrim: A good start? (laughs) What the hell’s that supposed to mean?
Christ: (laughs) I had to breathe on it a little.
Pilgrim: Oh yeah? A little? How much is a little?
Christ: You know … just a little. There were a few rough spots, and I just smoothed them out, is all.
Pilgrim: Rough spots? Rough how?
Christ: Rough on me, mostly. (both laugh) Seriously kid, I only made a few tweaks.
Pilgrim: Jesus, really—that stuff was already supposed to be finalized. The publisher had signed off on it, and I signed off on it …
Christ: And now I’ve given it my blessing. I’m sure the publisher will be fine with everything—at least he will be if he knows what’s fucking good for him …
Pilgrim: I don’t think you have to worry about any trouble from him—he’s read the book. (laughs) But seriously, I think they have already printed some books; what about those?
Christ: No worries there. I fixed them all.
Pilgrim: Oh? No shit.
Christ: No shit, kid. So, if anyone points out any typos or anything, you just tell them there’s no fucking way. Everything in there is just the way I fucking want it. Same goes for anything they don’t think is funny—if they’re not laughing, there’s something wrong with them. The goddamned book is a scream.
Pilgrim: (laughs) I guess if I get any complaints, I won’t be passing them along to you.
Christ: (laughs) I think it would be best if you didn’t.
Pilgrim: Now that we have that cleared up, there’s a few other things I wanted to run by you for our readers.
Christ: Okay—shoot, my man.
Pilgrim: Well Jesus, the special effects in the book; you handled all of them yourself, and they’re really top notch. Our audience has been asking what that was like for you, and if you plan on doing more of that type of work in the future.
Christ: What it was like? I have to say … it all sort of comes naturally. Nothing there was particularly challenging. I think lots of times, I was just fucking around, and you’d see something you liked, right? And we worked it in. As for the future: the future is now, baby! The audience will be glad to know that they’re living my miracles each and every goddamn day—and I plan to keep it up for the foreseeable future.
Pilgrim: Sounds like good news to me. Another thing they want to know about is … heresy. As in, are they going to go tho Hell if they read Jesus Vs. Santa? Some people say they’re uneasy with some of the content in the book; they’re not used to hearing you swear and shit.
Christ: (laughs) That’s funny. I loved playing myself the way I really am. The swearing and shit was my favorite part.
Pilgrim: And then there’s the sex scenes …
Christ: Wait a minute—those were actually my favorite part. (both laugh)
Pilgrim: So you don’t find any of it offensive?
Christ: The sex? (laughs) If we weren’t intended to fuck, then we wouldn’t be so well equipped to do it! Duh! Is that the most obvious thing in the world?
Pilgrim: Always has been to me.
Christ: That’s why I like working with you, Pilgrim. You get it.
Pilgrim: Thanks, Jesus.
Christ: Another thing for everyone to keep in mind is, if we didn’t want this novel of yours to happen, take my word for it—it wouldn’t have happened. Where do you think all of those twisted fucking ideas of yours came from in the first place?
Pilgrim: Divine inspiration?
Christ: Bingo!
Pilgrim: So I can’t really be held responsible for any of the shit I wrote?
Christ: Well, you did write it. And you do want the fame and fortune, don’t you?
Pilgrim: Yeah, well …
Christ: I thought so. Everyone does.
Pilgrim: (laughs) I suppose they do.
Christ: Hey—aren’t you going to ask me how I liked working with Santa Claus?
Pilgrim: That reminds me, Jesus … how did you like working with Santa Claus?
Christ: Oh, well I’m glad you asked, Pilgrim. That fat fuck is a ball to work with! And understand that when I say ‘fat fuck’, I say it with love.
Pilgrim: With love?
Christ: Yeah, in real life, we’ve been buds forever. Most people don’t know that.
Pilgrim: I haven’t heard it from anyone else. Besides you guys’ wives …
Christ: Yeah, they tease the shit out of us. It really tells you something, that a couple guys can’t spend a lot of time together without their wives accusing them of being gay.
Pilgrim: So, what does it tell you, exactly?
Christ: It tells me that old Kris Kringle and I are really, really close.
Pilgrim: Oh … I see.
Christ: Don’t say it like that, you asshole! You don’t see shit!
Pilgrim: I didn’t mean … well … I can see it’s time to move on to the next question.
Christ: Yes! Please.
Pilgrim: I’ve heard a rumor, that I hoped you would address—a rumor of a second book in the works.
Christ: Of course you heard it. You started it, didn’t you?
Pilgrim: In a word, yes.
Christ: I’ll confirm that rumor for our readers; we are collaborating on another fine literary effort.
Pilgrim: I heard you’re lobbying for pictures in the next book.
Christ: Yes. Naked pictures.
Pilgrim: I’ve heard that, too.
Christ: Well, am I making any headway?
Pilgrim: You know, I just noticed the time—and it looks like we’re just about out of it.
Christ: That’s no big deal. I have all the fucking time in the world.
Pilgrim: Yeah, but I have shit I have to do. Maybe we’ll pick this up another time. Do you have any parting words for our audience?
Christ: Let’s see … parting words … okay. Keep your noses clean, and your asses out of trouble. And read Jesus Vs. Santa by Harlowe Pilgrim. If don’t, there’s going to be Hell to pay. Well, there could be Hell to pay.
Pilgrim: I couldn’t have said it better myself. This is Jesus Christ and Harlowe Pilgrim, over and out.
