Santa and Mrs. Claus Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

Hello, this is Harlowe Pilgrim.

When my novel Jesus Vs. Santa wrapped, I conducted a series of interviews with some of its biggest players. The following is my interview with Santa and Mrs. Claus (also known as Kris and Jessica Kringle).

Pilgrim: Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus!  Welcome, it’s good to see you. Ho Ho Ho!

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! I think you stole my line there, Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Well, I’ve written it so many times ...

Mrs. Claus: I’ll say! Jesus Vs. Santa is full of Ho Ho Ho’s!

Santa: Full of Ho’s? Ho Ho Ho!

Pilgrim: (laughs) I think you mean …

Mrs. Claus: Yeah, the laughing kind of Ho Ho Ho’s—not the skanky streetwalking kind.

Pilgrim: I’m glad we got that straightened out.

Santa: Yeah, I thought I missed something there, for a minute. I was just about to re-read the book!

Pilgrim: Maybe you should—Jesus told me he edited a few things.

Mrs. Claus: He did?

Santa: Then I’m probably not reading it again. If he’s been fucking around with it, I probably don’t want to know how.

Mrs. Claus: Agreed. He probably doesn’t.

Pilgrim: So … now that you’re book stars, is life treating you any differently?

Santa: Don’t forget kid, we’ve appeared in lots of books over the years. But I have to say, ever since we appeared in Jesus Vs. Santa, my wife is sure getting a lot more interview requests. And requests for photo shoots. And video shoots. The adults only media seems particularly interested, for some reason.

Mrs. Claus: He says you made me a sex symbol, Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Whoa, that’s giving me a whole lot of credit I don’t deserve. At most, I helped expose you as a sex symbol.

Santa: That’s fair enough.

Pilgrim: I’d like to know how the world ever got the impression she was the old, grandmotherly type anyhow.

Mrs. Claus: I think it was all those other books, and the TV specials and things. I have tended to keep kind of a low profile over the years, so I bet they just went ahead and gave me an appearance that was age appropriate for Santa.

Santa: Age appropriate for Santa? Ho Ho Ho! That’s …

Mrs. Claus: Ridiculous, we know.

Pilgrim: That is not how Santa rolls.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Not so long as I can help it! I think I’ll stick with hot blondes.

Mrs. Claus: Ahem.

Santa: Hot blonde. That’s what I meant to say, Jessica Kringle.

Pilgrim: (laughs) So how about you, Santa? Has the book made you a sex symbol?

Santa: I’ve always been a sex symbol, Ho Ho Ho!

Mrs. Claus: Yeah, to himself. I doubt his sex symbol-ness has occurred to anyone else, though.

Santa: What do you mean? What woman wouldn’t want a piece of this?

Mrs. Claus: Um … most of them, besides me?

Pilgrim: (laughs) What a thing to say.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Yeah, ouch—that kind of hurt.

Mrs. Claus: Now, wouldn’t it be more cruel of me to foster your delusions?

Santa: Damn … now I’m delusional, too. Maybe fostering my delusions would be a little nicer.

Pilgrim: I find you sexy, Santa. If that makes you feel any better …

Santa: I hope you understand, it really doesn’t.

Mrs. Claus: I’m mostly kidding anyways, you nut.

Pilgrim: (laughs) I thought we all were.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Of course … I … was just kidding … the whole fucking time.

Pilgrim: We knew that.

Santa: Wait—so don’t really find me sexy, Harlowe?

Mrs. Claus: Ahem …

Pilgrim: Yes, well, moving right along …

Santa: Hey—are you two just trying to change the …?

Mrs. Claus: Subject? Who, us?

Pilgrim: Santa, we’re trying nothing of the sort. Frankly, I’m a little insulted. So, how about them elves?

Santa: The elves? What about them?

Pilgrim: They seem kind of … well, short, for starters.

Mrs. Claus: Yes. They’re elves.

Santa: Yup. That’s the stereotype—tiny little elves. That’s why they appear so small in the book.

Pilgrim: Aren’t they always that small?

Santa: Nope. Jesus Vs. Santa is chocked full of special effects, and those little buggers are one of ‘em.

Mrs. Claus: Kris …

Pilgrim: You mean to tell me and our audience that the elves were only small for the book?

Santa: Yup. It was all just book movie magic.

Mrs. Claus: Really, Kris …

Santa: It’s true. In real life, we’ve got some elves as tall as pro basketball players. And they can dunk with the best of them.

Pilgrim: Really? I had no …

Santa: Nah, not really, Ho Ho Ho! I was just fucking with you.

Pilgrim: Aw, you were?

Mrs. Claus: You took the bait, Harlowe.

Santa: You sure did, Ho Ho Ho! Sink, line, and hooker.

Pilgrim: Isn’t the phrase, ‘hook, line, and sinker’?

Santa: Well, maybe it is, but good luck getting a sinker to turn tricks for cash!

Mrs. Claus: Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming.

Santa: Which one coming? The hooker? Ho Ho Ho! Then she shouldn’t get money too, should she?

Pilgrim: Not really sure how that works, Santa.

Santa: You know who I ask all my whore questions, don’t you?

Mrs. Claus: Oh no …

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! That’s right—our little friend, Mary Magdalene.

Pilgrim: Mrs. Jesus Christ.

Mrs. Claus: I feel so bad when you guys rag on Mary for all the prostitute bullshit.

Santa: Come on, honey. We tease because we love.

Pilgrim: She seems to take it okay. And she gives as good as she gets, from what I’ve seen.

Santa: Not only that, but Jesus thinks it’s funny. How bad could it be, if the Prince of Peace is okay with it?

Mrs. Claus: You of all people should know the answer to that, Kris.

Pilgrim: That’s a hell of a point, actually. Don’t you remember the shit that happened in Jesus Vs. Santa? Maybe you should re-read the book.

Santa: Yeah, well some of that was kind of troubling … and unpleasant, but … Ho Ho Ho! A joke’s still a joke, right?

Pilgrim: (laughs) Yeah, I guess it is.

Mrs. Claus: (sighs) You guys are something else.

Santa: You are too, sweetie pie.

Pilgrim: Aw, shucks.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! I did not call you ‘sweetie pie’, kid. But I could go for some.

Mrs. Claus: Always.

Pilgrim: Well, on that note, I guess I’ll let you guys go. Thank you so much for coming in.

Santa: You’re welcome. Coming in was our pleasure.

Mrs. Claus: You’re such a pig, Kris. Bye Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Goodbye, guys.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2012

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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Mary Magdalene Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

It's Harlowe Pilgrim again, back with another interview. This time we're speaking with Mary Magdalene, also known as Mrs. Jesus Christ, and one of the big stars of my book, Jesus Vs. Santa.

Pilgrim: Mary Magdalene, lovely star of the written word, thank you for joining me to discuss our new book, Jesus Vs. Santa.

Magdalene: You’re welcome, Harlowe. And you look lovely today, as well.

Pilgrim: Aw, you’re too kind. So, how’s it feel being done with the book?

Magdalene: Well, first of all, I’m very happy that you turned our work into something so … let's say worthwhile.

Pilgrim: Hmm … worthwhile, huh? Interesting choice of words. I wonder what exactly you mean by that …

Magdalene: Well, I mean laugh-your-ass-off funny, piss-your-pants exciting, and so provocative you’ll want to discuss it with all your friends. And or your shrink.

Pilgrim: All good qualities in a book, I think. Very worthwhile.

Magdalene: Exactly. Anyhow, I actually have mixed feelings about the book being done. It was a lot of work, but doing it was so much fun. And it was great for my husband Jesus to have something constructive to do with his time.

Pilgrim: I’d be surprised to learn that Jesus has a hard time keeping busy …

Magdalene: Yeah, but keeping busy doing what? I’ll give you an example of how he’s been entertaining himself lately. The other day, he gave me a second pair of tits—on my back. And then he followed me around trying to play with them the entire damn day.

Pilgrim: (laughs) I suppose that could get obnoxious after a while.

Magdalene: You think? Just this morning, an angel came to see him, and the poor guy left with a penis stuck on his forehead. And believe me—it was not the way he was used to, either.

Pilgrim: (laughs) Good thing we’re gearing up for another book, then.

Magdalene: It’s a godsend. Really, you have no idea.

Pilgrim: I think we’re starting to get some idea. Back to making Jesus Vs. Santa, tell me what was your favorite part.

Magdalene: I really liked the way we got to play ourselves as ourselves.

Pilgrim: Interesting. That’s been a pretty consistent response from all the cast members.

Magdalene: I can totally see why. Although the story was, of course (mostly) made up, the novel could really be a documentary, as far as how our personalities are depicted. What you read is what you get. You did a really great job capturing my essence, Harlowe.

Pilgrim: And you did a great job being yourself. (both laugh)

Magdalene: I may be the best at it.

Pilgrim: I’ve never seen anyone play you better.

Magdalene: Thank you so much. And my other favorite part was working with Jess and Kris … they’re really a lot of fun.

Pilgrim: That’s Jessica and Kris Kringle, or Mrs. and Santa Claus, for anyone who’s not yet on a first name basis with them …

Magdalene: Right, and … I have to say … those fucking elves just crack me up every time! Whenever we visit The North Pole, I end up leaving with sore sides from all the laughing.

Pilgrim: They are funny. It was a brilliant idea to include them in the book.

Magdalene: Yes, chalk up another brilliant idea to Harlowe Pilgrim—a goddamned genius, if you ask me. And so handsome.

Pilgrim: Geez, am I blushing?

Magdalene: Maybe a little. No, maybe a lot.

Pilgrim: Uh hum … okay, so … what was your least favorite part of being in the book? Was there anything you didn’t like?

Magdalene: Well, I wasn’t really sure about the nudity and crude sexual humor at first. I mean, history and the church give me a pretty bad time as it is, you know?

Pilgrim: Yeah, I can understand your having some reservations. What's their problem, anyway? Do you have any thoughts on it?

Magdalene: Well, they’re heavily invested in a certain image of Jesus, and I guess they’ve just always thought I was bad for business.

Pilgrim: Wow, that’s rough.

Magdalene: Yeah, but it’s ancient history. Actually, it is ancient history, now that I think about it. Besides, I got the … prize?

Pilgrim: I guess you did.

Magdalene: And my in-laws have always been great to me. Who else’s blessing would I need?

Pilgrim: I’m glad to hear you’ve come to terms with all that, and I’m really glad you came around on the nudity and crude sexual humor—it helped make the book. You have a beautiful body to show off, if you don’t mind me saying so.

Magdalene: I sort of have my husband to thank for that; Jesus Christ has definitely been my personal savior in the cosmetic augmentation department. Gosh, imagine if I looked my age.

Pilgrim: I think you and Mrs. Claus are kind of in the same boat, there.

Magdalene: Yeah, I’d say she’s been taken very good care of. Jessica Kringle knows Santa Claus is for real, let me tell you.

Pilgrim: I bet she does. And I understand that she and Santa are also participating in the next book.

Magdalene: You would know! We were all just talking about how excited we are.

Pilgrim: So, I take it you’ve signed on for more nudity and crude sexual humor?

Magdalene: I’m a little worried about being typecast—but yeah, I’ll be taking my clothes off again in the name of fine literature.

Pilgrim: (laughs) Why mess with success, right? I’ve heard that sex sells … and a little salty language never hurt, either.

Magdalene: If you fucking say so, Harlowe. (both laugh)

Pilgrim: I fucking do. And do you have any parting words for our fucking readers?

Magdalene: (laughs) Um … okay. Girls, marry a guy who can give you anything you want. And guys … better do what you can to be that guy.

Pilgrim: Great advice if you can follow it, Mary Magdalene. Thanks again for the interview, and see you on the set.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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Jesus Christ Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

Hello everybody. I’m Harlowe Pilgrim, author of the novel Jesus Vs. Santa. When I finished the book, I conducted interviews with some of its stars.

My interview with Jesus Christ went like this:

Pilgrim: So, I’m here with Jesus Christ, one of the stars of my new book, Jesus Vs. Santa.

Christ: The star, I think you mean—and I thought it was our book.

Pilgrim: That’s what I meant to say—our book.

Christ: I like the sound of that better.

Pilgrim: Great. Well, now that the book’s done, what do you think? Have you had a chance to look over the finished product?

Christ: Yeah, I had a chance to thumb through it.

Pilgrim: Did you like it?

Christ: Did I like it? Hmmm … well, I thought it was a good start.

Pilgrim: A good start? (laughs) What the hell’s that supposed to mean?

Christ: (laughs) I had to breathe on it a little.

Pilgrim: Oh yeah? A little? How much is a little?

Christ: You know … just a little. There were a few rough spots, and I just smoothed them out, is all.

Pilgrim: Rough spots? Rough how?

Christ: Rough on me, mostly. (both laugh) Seriously kid, I only made a few tweaks.

Pilgrim: Jesus, really—that stuff was already supposed to be finalized. The publisher had signed off on it, and I signed off on it …

Christ: And now I’ve given it my blessing. I’m sure the publisher will be fine with everything—at least he will be if he knows what’s fucking good for him …

Pilgrim: I don’t think you have to worry about any trouble from him—he’s read the book. (laughs) But seriously, I think they have already printed some books; what about those?

Christ: No worries there. I fixed them all.

Pilgrim: Oh? No shit.

Christ: No shit, kid. So, if anyone points out any typos or anything, you just tell them there’s no fucking way. Everything in there is just the way I fucking want it. Same goes for anything they don’t think is funny—if they’re not laughing, there’s something wrong with them. The goddamned book is a scream.

Pilgrim: (laughs) I guess if I get any complaints, I won’t be passing them along to you.

Christ: (laughs) I think it would be best if you didn’t.

Pilgrim: Now that we have that cleared up, there’s a few other things I wanted to run by you for our readers.

Christ: Okay—shoot, my man.

Pilgrim: Well Jesus, the special effects in the book; you handled all of them yourself, and they’re really top notch. Our audience has been asking what that was like for you, and if you plan on doing more of that type of work in the future.

Christ: What it was like? I have to say … it all sort of comes naturally. Nothing there was particularly challenging. I think lots of times, I was just fucking around, and you’d see something you liked, right? And we worked it in. As for the future: the future is now, baby! The audience will be glad to know that they’re living my miracles each and every goddamn day—and I plan to keep it up for the foreseeable future.

Pilgrim: Sounds like good news to me. Another thing they want to know about is … heresy. As in, are they going to go tho Hell if they read Jesus Vs. Santa? Some people say they’re uneasy with some of the content in the book; they’re not used to hearing you swear and shit.

Christ: (laughs) That’s funny. I loved playing myself the way I really am. The swearing and shit was my favorite part.

Pilgrim: And then there’s the sex scenes …

Christ: Wait a minute—those were actually my favorite part. (both laugh)

Pilgrim: So you don’t find any of it offensive?

Christ: The sex? (laughs) If we weren’t intended to fuck, then we wouldn’t be so well equipped to do it! Duh! Is that the most obvious thing in the world?

Pilgrim: Always has been to me.

Christ: That’s why I like working with you, Pilgrim. You get it.

Pilgrim: Thanks, Jesus.

Christ: Another thing for everyone to keep in mind is, if we didn’t want this novel of yours to happen, take my word for it—it wouldn’t have happened. Where do you think all of those twisted fucking ideas of yours came from in the first place?

Pilgrim: Divine inspiration?

Christ: Bingo!

Pilgrim: So I can’t really be held responsible for any of the shit I wrote?

Christ: Well, you did write it. And you do want the fame and fortune, don’t you?

Pilgrim: Yeah, well …

Christ: I thought so. Everyone does.

Pilgrim: (laughs) I suppose they do.

Christ: Hey—aren’t you going to ask me how I liked working with Santa Claus?

Pilgrim: That reminds me, Jesus … how did you like working with Santa Claus?

Christ: Oh, well I’m glad you asked, Pilgrim. That fat fuck is a ball to work with! And understand that when I say ‘fat fuck’, I say it with love.

Pilgrim: With love?

Christ: Yeah, in real life, we’ve been buds forever. Most people don’t know that.

Pilgrim: I haven’t heard it from anyone else. Besides you guys’ wives …

Christ: Yeah, they tease the shit out of us. It really tells you something, that a couple guys can’t spend a lot of time together without their wives accusing them of being gay.

Pilgrim: So, what does it tell you, exactly?

Christ: It tells me that old Kris Kringle and I are really, really close.

Pilgrim: Oh … I see.

Christ: Don’t say it like that, you asshole! You don’t see shit!

Pilgrim: I didn’t mean … well … I can see it’s time to move on to the next question.

Christ: Yes! Please.

Pilgrim: I’ve heard a rumor, that I hoped you would address—a rumor of a second book in the works.

Christ: Of course you heard it. You started it, didn’t you?

Pilgrim: In a word, yes.

Christ: I’ll confirm that rumor for our readers; we are collaborating on another fine literary effort.

Pilgrim: I heard you’re lobbying for pictures in the next book.

Christ: Yes. Naked pictures.

Pilgrim: I’ve heard that, too.

Christ: Well, am I making any headway?

Pilgrim: You know, I just noticed the time—and it looks like we’re just about out of it.

Christ: That’s no big deal. I have all the fucking time in the world.

Pilgrim: Yeah, but I have shit I have to do. Maybe we’ll pick this up another time. Do you have any parting words for our audience?

Christ: Let’s see … parting words … okay. Keep your noses clean, and your asses out of trouble. And read Jesus Vs. Santa by Harlowe Pilgrim. If don’t, there’s going to be Hell to pay. Well, there could be Hell to pay.

Pilgrim: I couldn’t have said it better myself. This is Jesus Christ and Harlowe Pilgrim, over and out.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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