Jesus and His Old Lady

Hold the phones! Have you heard the news? Jesus Christ had a wife!

According to the experts, that's what a newly unveiled scrap of ancient papyrus tells us (see the article here). They say it quotes Jesus talking about "my wife" (meaning his wife, not the author's wife).

So, I guess we can consider that case closed—because the experts have never steered us wrong.

Actually, come to think of it, they screw with us all the time. So, I'm afraid this time, I'm going to insist on evaluating the evidence for myself.

Here is a picture of the ancient papyrus in question (I know it looks just like a yellow post-it note. That's probably just a coincidence).

Okay, well I thought the Coptic to English translation was going to be a bitch, but I must have a knack for it, because I can clearly make out the words "my" and "wife". So far, so good; the experts and I are on the same page.

Another part of the story here is that the papyrus came from some mysterious private collection. And as it turns out, I was able to gain access to some other scraps, from the same collection.

Let's see if we can translate those, as well. Maybe we can gain even more historical insight.

Wow. "Walk the dog". So Jesus not only had a wife, but he had a dog, too? I don't recall ever hearing of any references to that in The Bible. And he had to walk it himself? I wonder if it ever chewed on his sandals.

So, what else have we got?

Huh. This one translates to "take out the garbage". Interesting how it reveals that Jesus had other chores to do, besides walking the dog. The nagging nature of this particular papyrus scrap definitely reaffirms the whole having a wife thing. Bachelors don't have to do chores, as we all know (at least there's nobody nagging them).

Do you see this? "Happy Anniversary Jesus! Love, Mary M." This papyrus has to be the most revealing yet! I realize the skeptics will note there are many different types of anniversaries (not just wedding anniversaries), but she signed it Love … and there's actually a clue as to her name: Mary M. Hmmm … call me crazy, but I think the M could stand for Magdalene.

Here is another clue to her identity. How about about that? Apparently, this Mary M. is a working girl. I thought I heard something about Mary Magdalene being a prostitute—but maybe she just had a job. Good for Jesus—for putting her ass to work.

Last but not least, there's "Put the lasagna in the oven". This papyrus rings true even perhaps more than the others. I love lasagna.

'Nuff said, is what I say. The evidence is conclusive—they were married.

Now we know. Meet the Christs.


-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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Mary Magdalene Interview - Humor

http://www.booksie.com/humor/essay/harlowe_pilgrim/mary-magdalene-interview

Are Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene married?  You're damn right they are!

Santa and Mrs. Claus in Bed

Santa and Mrs. Claus in Bed - Erotica Essay - humor, sex, erotic

Bestiality and Ewe

Sick and tired of the harassment every time you saddle up to your sweetie? Is being shunned by society starting to wear on you? Have bestiality laws got you down?

This goes out to all the sick bastards out there (you know who you are)—who can’t seem to keep your hands off the livestock.

Folks, if you think the term animal husbandry refers to having marital-type relations with someone who’s … a species other than human … I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong idea. And if inter-species relationships actually turn you on … then I’m afraid you’ve really got the wrong idea.

And you’re what they call a zoophile.

Yes, the animals are our friends—but they just don’t think of us in that way. Frankly, they’re not that into you. They don’t want it to get physical … and if they could talk, they’d tell you so.

“Come Spot!”

When you call your dog, the command is supposed to be totally unrelated to sexual climax. This should not be news to anyone.

“The bitch wanted it.”

If you say so, but please stop explaining there … we don’t want to know about it.

“Woof!”

How about this? I recently saw where a guy had gotten himself into quite a slippery situation—something about a barn security camera catching him kissing a horse. On the wrong end.

Wait—there’s a right end to kiss them on?

“I thought we were cool,” the fellow might have said. “She said she was 3 yrs old.”

That is just about the age of consent for a horse.

So, the guy admitted to trespassing, and licking the horse. I gather he was trying to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of … where baby horses pop out.

I guess it didn’t bother her too much; she could have kicked him across the barn. But then, if she’d liked it very much, the same damn thing would probably have happened. You know how it goes, with ladies in the throes …

Which reminds me:

Quick … how many drinks does it take to have sex with a horse?

A lot of them; they can really hold their alcohol.

And lest you think that men are the only pigs in the barnyard—women are not immune. They’ll ogle a big Mastiff’s member, or a donkey’s kong, just like it’s dangling down from a Hollywood prettyboy. I’m telling you, there’s more than a few who’ll try to milk a bull if you let them (and you know who you are).

The trick is getting them to let you be the bull.

And, hey!  Let go of that cock! Of course it tastes like chicken! It is a chicken!

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Crack Down on Pussy Riot

Um … what the hell’s a Pussy Riot?

Is it the first week back to university, after a long and lonely summer vacation? A smokin’ troupe of naked comediennes? Or a drunken titty-bar brawl?

Witness my mind at work.

Well, Pussy Riot’s been all over the news. It turns out they’re an activist, all girl punk band from Russia, that has run afoul of one President Vladimir Putin. Apparently, the girls were under the impression there’s free speech in Russia.

Sure there is, as long as you don’t piss off the wrong people. And if you do, you still have your free speech—it’s just that you quickly find yourself exercising it from the Gulag.

Isn’t that the same old shit world-over? It’s even the same old shit here, in my favorite constitutional republic, the good ole U.S. of A. (although hopefully to a lesser extent).

Anyhow, it appears that Pussy Riot’s exercised their free speech one too many times for the authorities. And who knew they would crack down? They always seemed like such nice guys.

The verdict here is a two-year prison sentence handed down to three of the group’s members, for … hooliganism. Let’s see here: murder, rape, theft, hooliganism. Must be hooliganism sounds like a more serious crime in Russian.

Still, it’s not like Pussy Riot didn’t know they were pushing it—and I doubt they’re surprised they ended up behind bars. They probably got what they wanted, seeing as their story has become world news.

And you don’t achieve that these days unless you’re a booty-flashing singer, a penis picture texting politician, or a big dicktator with a little nuke.

Unless you’re a girl punk group, and you call yourself Pussy Riot.

The naughty news men and ladies just love getting to say that.

- Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Peeing on People

Does it piss you off to be peed on?

And I’m talking in the literal sense, with actual urine flow—not in the figurative sense of the bad water we all wade through, just living life.
Some may be into it—but for most people, if they haven’t asked for a golden shower, I really don’t think they’re up for one. Call us prudes …

For instance, there’s this strange story of a guy who made a pass at a girl in a bar. I know—it happens a million times a night. So, the girl in the bar shot him down. I know—that happens a million times a night, too.

And what happened next? Of course, the guy moved on down the line … and made a pass at another girl, right? Or lowered his standards? Or waited until the girl who shot him down had a few more Margaritas, and then tried his luck again?

Well, no. None of the above. What he did was … whip it out, and pee on the poor girl’s leg.

And I understand she was not amused. The nice lawmen who arrested the dumbass were not amused either.

Taking an unwelcome leak on the object of your affection may not be the best way to win her over. It makes the rest of us cavemen seem almost romantic by comparison. Okay, well … we like to think it does.

Now, everyone knows that girls like bad boys—but I submit that they’re not all created equal. I’m sure that after all was said and done, our lady did not see her assailant as the equivalent of a bad-ass gangster or a crusty-ass biker (well known favorite archetypes of the fair sex).

So, what the hell was this dufus thinking?

“I’m a superhero with piss-power, and I’m here to impress your pants off!”

Maybe … maybe not. He probably wasn’t thinking at all. He was probably busy metabolizing alcohol.

And there’s always something to be said for letting the animal instinct run free—it does need exercise every now and then. Marking your territory? That’s something a dog would do. Could it be that the fellow’s half canine?

If so, we could actually extract a moral from this story: Just because your mother was a bitch (or your father was a bitch), doesn’t mean that pissing on something makes it yours.

Then again, I could just be out of touch.


-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Put a Condom on my Olympics

Put a condom on my Olympics … it’s time for another round of the quadrennial summer games. And it’s looking to be a hot one in London.

The biggest news so far out of the pre-Olympic run-up is the story about the 150,000 condoms being provided to the athletes in Olympic Park. Now, I like condoms and I like sex, but that sounds like quite a lot of both. I sure hope they find time to take in a few of the athletic events while they’re there.

It’s not like the boatload of condoms comes as a shock—the Olympics and condoms go together like peanut butter and jelly, leather and lace, and vodka and orange juice. It used to be that sailors and condoms went together … but I guess these days, the sailors are keeping it zipped on the ship, and it’s the athletes going ashore to spread the love.

In terms of a friendly wager, I saw where you can actually bet on whether or not the Olympics will run out of condoms. Imagine if they were just a few shaft-wrappers short; whoever placed the order for only 150,000 would be shit-canned faster than you can say, “Hey, wanna hook up?” “Okay.”

And what happens if they do run out? Screw-mageddon? Paternity tests and infections for everybody?

Psst … don’t even think about telling the American political establishment where the condoms will be coming from. Remember the scandal that erupted when they figured out Team USA is wearing uniforms made in China? I’m pretty sure the Olympic rubbers aren’t made in the USA. I heard a rumor they actually test the things on egg rolls, but I’m not sure I completely trust the source.

 So which is more valuable as memorabilia? An unopened Olympic condom in pristine condition, or one that’s been properly put through it’s paces? Obviously, if used … it depends on who’s DNA it’s been slathered in. If you go that route, thorough documentation is a must. Video is also highly recommended, for obvious reasons. In fact, the video’s good even if you don't have a collectible condom …

You know, maybe they should just make sex an official Olympic event; sounds like they’ve already made it the main event. What country wouldn’t want to medal in sex? Talk about national pride. Just roll one on your pole—or open up your vault—and go for the gold, baby. Just don't go for broke. Broke and condoms do not go together.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim