Jesus and His Old Lady

Hold the phones! Have you heard the news? Jesus Christ had a wife!

According to the experts, that's what a newly unveiled scrap of ancient papyrus tells us (see the article here). They say it quotes Jesus talking about "my wife" (meaning his wife, not the author's wife).

So, I guess we can consider that case closed—because the experts have never steered us wrong.

Actually, come to think of it, they screw with us all the time. So, I'm afraid this time, I'm going to insist on evaluating the evidence for myself.

Here is a picture of the ancient papyrus in question (I know it looks just like a yellow post-it note. That's probably just a coincidence).

Okay, well I thought the Coptic to English translation was going to be a bitch, but I must have a knack for it, because I can clearly make out the words "my" and "wife". So far, so good; the experts and I are on the same page.

Another part of the story here is that the papyrus came from some mysterious private collection. And as it turns out, I was able to gain access to some other scraps, from the same collection.

Let's see if we can translate those, as well. Maybe we can gain even more historical insight.

Wow. "Walk the dog". So Jesus not only had a wife, but he had a dog, too? I don't recall ever hearing of any references to that in The Bible. And he had to walk it himself? I wonder if it ever chewed on his sandals.

So, what else have we got?

Huh. This one translates to "take out the garbage". Interesting how it reveals that Jesus had other chores to do, besides walking the dog. The nagging nature of this particular papyrus scrap definitely reaffirms the whole having a wife thing. Bachelors don't have to do chores, as we all know (at least there's nobody nagging them).

Do you see this? "Happy Anniversary Jesus! Love, Mary M." This papyrus has to be the most revealing yet! I realize the skeptics will note there are many different types of anniversaries (not just wedding anniversaries), but she signed it Love … and there's actually a clue as to her name: Mary M. Hmmm … call me crazy, but I think the M could stand for Magdalene.

Here is another clue to her identity. How about about that? Apparently, this Mary M. is a working girl. I thought I heard something about Mary Magdalene being a prostitute—but maybe she just had a job. Good for Jesus—for putting her ass to work.

Last but not least, there's "Put the lasagna in the oven". This papyrus rings true even perhaps more than the others. I love lasagna.

'Nuff said, is what I say. The evidence is conclusive—they were married.

Now we know. Meet the Christs.


-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC

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