Saturday, May 14, 2016

Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Tweeting Fool’ #5

Pithy thoughts and wanderings …
  

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Sports bar or sports bra?

Oh, Hooters.



Heard about the new musical 'Lesbian Miserables'?

They're depressed, they're french, they're girl on girl...

and they're singing about it.



"I see you're hitting the 'hard stuff' again."


(said to an obviously pregnant woman who can hopefully take a joke)



Introduce yourself by sticking your nose in her crotch like a dog.


 If she just smiles and pets you, she's a keeper.




Sleep with things that go hump in the night.




Nice work! You can fock and chew gum at the same time! 








Save a seahorse ... ride a mermaid!








The only twisters I like are the 'titty' kind.






What could be better than the zoo?


Bear-naked asses, man-eating pussy ...





You know what they say: "If life gives you bunions ... make bunion rings".





"I'm having a hard time dealing with withdrawal." Penis said.



Can I borrow your pink highlighter?"

Casual naked Friday's at the office.

"I put it in your inbox."




The legs here stay open around the cock.
  



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-Harlowe Pilgrim



Copyright 2016 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC


Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at AmazoniBooks
Smashwords.comBooks-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim


And on Pinterest

Monday, April 11, 2016

The Great Shit Shortage


Call me alarmist if you want, but I don’t care.

More to the point, I don’t give a shit.


I can’t. And neither can you. We can’t afford it.

There’s a shortage of shit.

It’s true, 97% of experts polled agree …the Great Shit Shortage is upon us.

And lots of those experts are scientists, and you don’t fuck with scientists.

Not unless you want to look stupid, which you must be if you would fuck with scientists.

I mean that in a noncopulatory way.

And noncopulatory IS a word - a fucking scientist told me so.

But at least they’re fucking consensual. Meaning there is a consensus.

It’s settled science.

Haven’t you noticed the shortage of shit with your own eyes?

No? Then you have to look around. Not on the television (nothing but shit there), the Internet (a cesspool of shit), or the words coming out of politicians’ mouths (more bullshit there than a cattle ranch feeding Mexican food).

And don’t look under your foot … it’s too late … you’ve already stepped in it.

Again.

Shit!

Besides, the models assure us the shit shortage is real.

Go to any fashion show, and they all believe it. Of course, they only shit a few times a year thanks to the miracle of modern bulimia, but that doesn’t mean they know not of which they speak.

So never mind then, the shit you’re wiping off your soles, souls, and holes … you may be living in a smelly shit-sandwich, but your squishy situation is more than offset by the plight of the poor shitless bastards of the world.

Even the poor flies, without a shitty place to land.

And again, it’s been studied. Most experts in shit agree.

It’s a dam catastophe. Like a dam collapse.

What can we do to make it right?

First, we can feel like shit. Really. The world greatly appreciates our emoting. But they prefer our self-loathing.

Then, we send the poor our shit … we have so much and they have so little.

Even if you worked hard for your shit.

Your pile’s become offensive.

Again, it’s settled science.

Fertilizer’s meant to be spread, so keep spreading that shit.

It doesn’t even have to be real. You can always make shit up.

And don’t even think about eating that shit (no matter how much you like the taste). They should institute the death penalty, so dire is our shit-uation. This would be known as the “Eat Shit and Die” amendment to the US Constitution.

No, they’re not Nazi’s. Nazi’s were Brownshirts … not Brown Shorts.

That’s settled history.

One idea worth considering is reshaping the world like an ass, so as much shit will stick to it as possible. A stupid idea? Perhaps, but we have to do something!

It’s not all in the fudge-factor.

Think you have an opinion of your own?

Then you’re a knuckle-dragging Flat-Earthing Shit Shortage Denier!

And you deserve to pay more taxes!

Oh … wait a minute … was this supposed to be about Global Warming?

SHIT!

###

-Harlowe Pilgrim


PS. It's satire, bitch.


Copyright 2016 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.


Sunday, April 10, 2016

A Diet Rich in Coitus


Coitus is such a clinical, unsuspecting word.

“How was your doctors appointment?”

“They did diagnose a medical condition.”

“Oh? What’s that?”

“The doctor could tell right away … I have coitus. So they said you probably have it too.”

Coitus sounds harmless.

“But I only just met you … I could never put your penis in my mouth on the first date.”

“How about a little coitus, then?”

“Okay.”

Coitus sounds a little like an obscure nutrient.

“I feel kind of tense … low energy … maybe I should start taking vitamins.”

“What you need is more coitus in your diet. You’ll feel that tension slip away. And maybe gush away.”

“That sounds good. How often should I take it?”

###

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. Take it a lot.

Copyright 2016 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.


Widespread Vaginas




Widespread vaginas?

Half the people in the world have them.

It's hard to get more widespread than THAT.

###

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2016 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.


Saturday, February 20, 2016

Water Fallin’



Her dress was so dusty and hot, to let it fall to the ground was an absolute joy.

Liberation, how sweet!

The sun shone bright at the river’s edge, where the forest canopy gave way to open air.

Pulse quickening, her unadorned body trembled with the pleasure of the wild, the nudity of nature.

Those first tentative steps into the water … only ankles deep, and so cold!

Folding her arms across her bosom was a reflex, her peaks sharpened to points.

Then she laughed and let go.

What difference did it make? Why cover up?

She was alone.

Wasn’t she? A cautious look around confirmed she was.

A few more steps and the water rushed past her knees, the urgent pull of the current reminding to take care.

Down the river, the top of the falls was within sight, its ever present roar intimidating earshot.

Shudder the thought of the rocks at its bottom, the river pummeling itself and all else, what violence playing out all that noise.

Lucky for the rocky inlet giving shelter from the full of the current. Outside of that, a girl could be carried away.

And it wouldn’t do at all, to wash up dead from fallin’ over the falls.

She certainly wasn’t dressed for it.

Getting carried away.

The cool tickle of the water between her legs made her tremble, and then she was waist deep.

Splashing the river up onto her body brought goosebumps and shivering timbers.

She squatted down so she was sunk up to her shoulders.

Submergence was exquisite, the body of water chilling her body to its own low degree.

Quite an improvement from the dusty and hot!

She held her breath and dunked her head, the water streaming through her long hair.

And surfacing, cleared it from her eyes.

She stood up, all dripping hair, goose bumps and bosoms, and moved deeper into the river.

There, the river flowed colder and faster.

The slippery rocks at her feet barely offered enough hold to hold her in place.

She felt a splash of fear.

Had she come out too far?

Why drown and find out?

Retreating from the danger of the current, she moved toward the bank and the shallow, slower water―

What … was that?

She detected movement, downstream.

It was a … a boy!

No, he was naked … it was a man!

Standing up to his knees in the water, he was relieving himself.

“Now that’s some water fallin’” she whispered to herself, marveling at the sight against the backdrop of the falls. “I thought cold water made them shrink.”

What if it had? Amazing!

She looked down, realizing the shallower water was leaving her torso exposed.

Subtly, very subtly, she slipped those pointy peaks back into the water.

Still, she felt exposed.

And so she worked her subtle way to a substantial rock at the inlet’s edge, always with one eye on her slippery footing, and with one eye on the show.

The river there was more excited than she’d expected, but her own excitement egged her on.

She made it without trouble, and the next moment found her peeping around the rock, taking in the splashy play of a young man in his naturale state.

The chill of the water was forgotten as the warmth in her curiosity was stoked.

He performed a handstand, which she found particularly impressive, her eyes hanging with him.

All the while, that excited river rushed past her perch, the edge of the inlet subject to near the full of the sweeping current. And holding herself in place was more fatiguing than she thought it would be, the rock smoother and harder to grip than she’d expected.

“I’d better go,” she realized. “I’m gonna be in trouble if I …”

She slipped.

And the wicked rush wasted no time in taking her up.

The open river offering no footing or handhold; she bobbed and thrashed in struggle to right herself, a desperate fight for the safety of the bank.

All to no effect, as the river’s pull proved brutally persuasive, so mightier than anything her young flailing body could muster.

Desperation!

Each second ticked her closer to the falls, the horror of its approaching crest … and the thundering of the terrible crashing surf at its bottom.

In vain she fought and strained until … strong arms closed around her.

Safety?

Exhausted, she gave herself to those arms, a body plucking hers from the current and its awful intentions.

Her water had swept over the falls by now, left to smash upon the rocks without her.

Doom denied.

She buried her face in his shoulder, breathing easier now.

He carried her out of the river, up onto the bank.

Naked. It just occurred to her.

Then she heard the hooves clomping up.

“Boy, what’s the meaning of this?”

She lifted her head. “Daddy?”

The silver-haired man on horseback had his six-gun drawn.

As did the two men with him, ready and menacing from the saddles of their own mounts.

“Sir?” Her dripping hero did his best not to sound uneasy.

“You better put my little girl down, and get your damn hands off her. And you better tell that member of yours to relax … if you know what’s good for it.”

“Daddy?” Then she felt it throbbing against her. “Oh.”

He set her down, awkwardly … and put his hands up.

“YOU put your clothes on,” her daddy scolded her.

The naked girl nodded, and scurrying away stole a look back at her rescuer. “Thank you.”

He winked at her, equally exposed. “Don’t mention it.”

“Now what,” her daddy said, “are we gonna do with you, son?”

“Thank me and let me go?” He gulped. “Sir.”

“That’s not going to get the image of you and my daughter out of my head.”

Their guns were still on him.

There was a click in the woods behind the men on horseback.

“Hold it right there, Daddy.”

The silver-haired man sighed.

His men looked to him for a cue.

“You wouldn’t shoot your daddy …” he said.

“Maybe I would … maybe I’d shoot one of your boys.”

Both of them looked concerned.

“Maybe I’d even shoot that DAMN horse of yours … right in the hind end.”

“I love this horse,” he muttered, giving his mount a pat. “You know I don’t approve of that language, young lady.”

“DAMN, Daddy. DAMN DAMN DAMN. How about you all put away your DAMN guns?”

“She’s just like her momma,” he said to the other men. “Feisty. Damn feisty.”

He holstered his gun, nodded to his men to do the same, and they did.

“Good,” she continued. “Now hit the trail … skidaddle! I mean it.”

“Alright, we’re goin’.”

He started his horse down the trail and his men followed.

“See ya at supper.”

She stayed stern as she watched them go, and once they were gone, holstered her pistol.

“Alone again,” said the naked man, dropping his hands to his sides.

She read the hope in his eyes. “Don’t be getting any ideas.”

“What? You’re not in the mood?”

“For what?”

“For saving you.”

“Well, I just saved you.”

“Most obliged, darlin’ … I’d like to reward you.”

“Guess you’re right, I’m not in the mood.” She started for the trail. “Not anymore.”

He looked stunned after that.

“See you around,” she said with a glance downward. “Tallywhacker.”

“What did … what did you just call me?” He was speaking to her back, as she walked away.

“You heard me.” She didn’t look back.

Dangling sadly at the river’s edge, he could only watch her go. “Tallywhacker?” He looked down at it. “Did she call me Tallywhacker?”


The End

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-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2016 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.


Saturday, January 9, 2016

“Gone fission.” - Kim, North Korea




"Are you sure we're standing far enough away?"


"Just take the picture - don't be a pussy."


###


-Harlowe Pilgrim


Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at AmazoniBooks
Smashwords.comBooks-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim