Hello, this is Harlowe Pilgrim.
When my novel Jesus Vs. Santa wrapped, I conducted a series of interviews with some of its biggest players. The following is my interview with Santa and Mrs. Claus (also known as Kris and Jessica Kringle).
Pilgrim: Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus! Welcome, it’s good to see you. Ho Ho Ho!
Santa: Ho Ho Ho! I think you stole my line there, Harlowe.
Pilgrim: Well, I’ve written it so many times ...
Mrs. Claus: I’ll say! Jesus Vs. Santa is full of Ho Ho Ho’s!
Santa: Full of Ho’s? Ho Ho Ho!
Pilgrim: (laughs) I think you mean …
Mrs. Claus: Yeah, the laughing kind of Ho Ho Ho’s—not the skanky streetwalking kind.
Pilgrim: I’m glad we got that straightened out.
Santa: Yeah, I thought I missed something there, for a minute. I was just about to re-read the book!
Pilgrim: Maybe you should—Jesus told me he edited a few things.
Mrs. Claus: He did?
Santa: Then I’m probably not reading it again. If he’s been fucking around with it, I probably don’t want to know how.
Mrs. Claus: Agreed. He probably doesn’t.
Pilgrim: So … now that you’re book stars, is life treating you any differently?
Santa: Don’t forget kid, we’ve appeared in lots of books over the years. But I have to say, ever since we appeared in Jesus Vs. Santa, my wife is sure getting a lot more interview requests. And requests for photo shoots. And video shoots. The adults only media seems particularly interested, for some reason.
Mrs. Claus: He says you made me a sex symbol, Harlowe.
Pilgrim: Whoa, that’s giving me a whole lot of credit I don’t deserve. At most, I helped expose you as a sex symbol.
Santa: That’s fair enough.
Pilgrim: I’d like to know how the world ever got the impression she was the old, grandmotherly type anyhow.
Mrs. Claus: I think it was all those other books, and the TV specials and things. I have tended to keep kind of a low profile over the years, so I bet they just went ahead and gave me an appearance that was age appropriate for Santa.
Santa: Age appropriate for Santa? Ho Ho Ho! That’s …
Mrs. Claus: Ridiculous, we know.
Pilgrim: That is not how Santa rolls.
Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Not so long as I can help it! I think I’ll stick with hot blondes.
Mrs. Claus: Ahem.
Santa: Hot blonde. That’s what I meant to say, Jessica Kringle.
Pilgrim: (laughs) So how about you, Santa? Has the book made you a sex symbol?
Santa: I’ve always been a sex symbol, Ho Ho Ho!
Mrs. Claus: Yeah, to himself. I doubt his sex symbol-ness has occurred to anyone else, though.
Santa: What do you mean? What woman wouldn’t want a piece of this?
Mrs. Claus: Um … most of them, besides me?
Pilgrim: (laughs) What a thing to say.
Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Yeah, ouch—that kind of hurt.
Mrs. Claus: Now, wouldn’t it be more cruel of me to foster your delusions?
Santa: Damn … now I’m delusional, too. Maybe fostering my delusions would be a little nicer.
Pilgrim: I find you sexy, Santa. If that makes you feel any better …
Santa: I hope you understand, it really doesn’t.
Mrs. Claus: I’m mostly kidding anyways, you nut.
Pilgrim: (laughs) I thought we all were.
Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Of course … I … was just kidding … the whole fucking time.
Pilgrim: We knew that.
Santa: Wait—so don’t really find me sexy, Harlowe?
Mrs. Claus: Ahem …
Pilgrim: Yes, well, moving right along …
Santa: Hey—are you two just trying to change the …?
Mrs. Claus: Subject? Who, us?
Pilgrim: Santa, we’re trying nothing of the sort. Frankly, I’m a little insulted. So, how about them elves?
Santa: The elves? What about them?
Pilgrim: They seem kind of … well, short, for starters.
Mrs. Claus: Yes. They’re elves.
Santa: Yup. That’s the stereotype—tiny little elves. That’s why they appear so small in the book.
Pilgrim: Aren’t they always that small?
Santa: Nope. Jesus Vs. Santa is chocked full of special effects, and those little buggers are one of ‘em.
Mrs. Claus: Kris …
Pilgrim: You mean to tell me and our audience that the elves were only small for the book?
Santa: Yup. It was all just book movie magic.
Mrs. Claus: Really, Kris …
Santa: It’s true. In real life, we’ve got some elves as tall as pro basketball players. And they can dunk with the best of them.
Pilgrim: Really? I had no …
Santa: Nah, not really, Ho Ho Ho! I was just fucking with you.
Pilgrim: Aw, you were?
Mrs. Claus: You took the bait, Harlowe.
Santa: You sure did, Ho Ho Ho! Sink, line, and hooker.
Pilgrim: Isn’t the phrase, ‘hook, line, and sinker’?
Santa: Well, maybe it is, but good luck getting a sinker to turn tricks for cash!
Mrs. Claus: Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming.
Santa: Which one coming? The hooker? Ho Ho Ho! Then she shouldn’t get money too, should she?
Pilgrim: Not really sure how that works, Santa.
Santa: You know who I ask all my whore questions, don’t you?
Mrs. Claus: Oh no …
Santa: Ho Ho Ho! That’s right—our little friend, Mary Magdalene.
Pilgrim: Mrs. Jesus Christ.
Mrs. Claus: I feel so bad when you guys rag on Mary for all the prostitute bullshit.
Santa: Come on, honey. We tease because we love.
Pilgrim: She seems to take it okay. And she gives as good as she gets, from what I’ve seen.
Santa: Not only that, but Jesus thinks it’s funny. How bad could it be, if the Prince of Peace is okay with it?
Mrs. Claus: You of all people should know the answer to that, Kris.
Pilgrim: That’s a hell of a point, actually. Don’t you remember the shit that happened in Jesus Vs. Santa? Maybe you should re-read the book.
Santa: Yeah, well some of that was kind of troubling … and unpleasant, but … Ho Ho Ho! A joke’s still a joke, right?
Pilgrim: (laughs) Yeah, I guess it is.
Mrs. Claus: (sighs) You guys are something else.
Santa: You are too, sweetie pie.
Pilgrim: Aw, shucks.
Santa: Ho Ho Ho! I did not call you ‘sweetie pie’, kid. But I could go for some.
Mrs. Claus: Always.
Pilgrim: Well, on that note, I guess I’ll let you guys go. Thank you so much for coming in.
Santa: You’re welcome. Coming in was our pleasure.
Mrs. Claus: You’re such a pig, Kris. Bye Harlowe.
Pilgrim: Goodbye, guys.
Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC
This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2012
Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks, Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.
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