Harlowe Pilgrim's 'Tweeting Fool' - Tricks or Tweets 2

More Halloween tweets, by popular demand.

(At least, nobody tried to stop me.)

You kids pass out the trick-or-treat candy. I'll be upstairs with your mummy.

Thinking of being a snake for Halloween …

Just can’t figure out what to do with the rest of my body.

“I want to go as a beaver,” he said. “Mind if I wear yours out?”

Why did the skeleton girl break up with her boyfriend?

She had enough bones of her own.

Wait – it’s not what it looks like! My dick’s going as a pumpkin this year, and … he’s just trying on his costume.

I’ll plant one in your pumpkin patch. Come on, Pumpkin.

If you’re being attacked by a werewolf, just shoot him a Coors.

It’s the silver bullet.

One of these days, The Great Pumpkin is going to come.

You must be a ghost, baby … because you’re scary good under the sheets.

“Your daughter’s a real screamer, Sir.”

Said innocently after taking her out to a horror move.

And never, ever said again.

The best way to get your own bunch of little trick-or-treaters?

Keep letting your lollipop break out of the bag.

“How about some skull for Halloween?”

“I have a better idea,” she said. “How about some severed head?”

You wanna know how I’m like a bat, honey?

We’ll both get in your hair, and make you scream.

I’m surprised you can still say black cats are bad luck.

Every thing is not what it screams.

Here, ride THIS broomstick … you witch.

Hey, that’s a great skank costume. And it’s not even Halloween yet.

… but deliver us some evil … I mean ‘from’ evil.

What do you call a couple of dead people having sex?

Two fucking stiff … and two fucking funky.

"I'm not a zombie ... I just want to eat your brains out."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. How sincere is your pumpin’ patch?

(with apologies to Linus and The Great Pumpkin)

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Empty-Handed on Halloween

My smartass friend made himself 

up as a Jehovah's Witness

(complete with handouts) 

and went door to door trick-or-treating.

And what happened?







Everyone turned out their

lights and pretended they

weren’t home!

So there you go.

No tricks.

And no treats.

Think he’d have better luck,

if he tried it on Halloween?

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim's 'Tweeting Fool' - Tricks or Tweets

Halloween quibbles, for you to nibble.

So tricks or tweets, it's up to you ...

(Yes, I actually tweet this shit)

“The Devil made me do it!”

Apparently not considered a good or funny excuse by the church elders.

Old Salem,

where the warlocks were hung,

and the witches were glad.

The naked, hands-free pumpkin carry …

Just the thing, for when you’re sick of bobbing for apples.

Trick or treat,

it smells like feet,

but otherwise not a bad pussy t’weet.

Oktoberfest brews are my favorite.

Which I guess makes the others my second favorite.

The best thing about Autumn is putting it incider.

"And for my next trick, I'll make your virginity ... disappear!" - Cherry Houdini

“Oh, I see,” said the nurse as she went to the supply cabinet. “We’re going to need the long gloves for you.”
Snap Snap
Gulp

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater, had a wife but couldn’t keep her.

She took off when she figured out ‘Pumpkin’ was a stripper, not a squash.

The sin will come up tomorrow.

Even you have a soul. Ass-soul.

Honey, I said to ‘shuck’ the corn.

I know it rhymes … but it’s not the same thing.

It’s colder than a witch’s tit outside?

Then maybe she should go inside … it’s less nippy in there.

And down came a spider, who crawled up inside her.

So that’s all I was doing … smooshing the spider.

“I’d eat it,” she said, “if it was a candy bar.”

“We’ll see about that.” I Snickered.

Do you have the devil inside?

Would you like the devil inside?

Slutty costumes are on sale now.

You’ll want to stock up.

Let’s see … her eyes are rolled back, and her head’s spinning around …

She’s either coming,

or I hope there’s an exorcist coming.

Shake your mummy maker.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. See the fun you're missing if you don't follow me on Twitter?

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at www.cockandbullpublishing.com, Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Once upon a stubbly cheerleader ...

Why did the stubbly cheerleader get thrown a penalty flag?

Unnecessary roughness.

Honey, they make razors for that.

(The crowd goes wild!)

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Superhero Story - BIG NEWS!

If you're into stories or superheroes (or both), you have to check out Superhero Story - the new Young/Adult novel by Harlowe Pilgrim!

It's 100% fun, and appropriate for all ages!

Jake and his friends are just your typical teenagers, doing what typical teenagers do ... until they cross paths with superheroes ... and supervillains.  

Caught in the crossfire, as the forces of good and evil battle for control of the city, the stakes have never been higher, and the youths find themselves in one unbelievable situation after another.

Perfect for kids of all ages, and heroes of all stages ...

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

More at Harlowe Pilgrim's Superhero Story Blog!

Labor Day

Let’s see now …

Every year,

Thanksgiving falls on a Thursday,

Christmas comes on the 25^th,

Easter is always on a Sunday,

and the 4^th of July is always on … well, the 4^th.

And then there’s Labor Day.

Which is always on the 9^th …

… month after ‘Sloppy Forgot-My-Pills Sex Night’ (a frequent and popular holiday in its own right).

Stick it on your calendar.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Ps. You can’t keep it from coming, because you couldn’t keep it from coming.

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Government Condom

Full of holes,

Expensive as shit.

Don’t work too good,

It just don’t fit.

Got no ribs,

For anyone’s pleasure.

Nothing to see here,

Unlimited treasure.

Full of holes,

Just like a government condom.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. "Is this the end of the line?"

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim