Trump Steals Old Imus Bit

by Harlowe Pilgrim, for The Shit Creek Times ("All the shit that's fit to print")

Washington DC

New allegations have come to light in Donald Trump’s latest caper, Hamburger-gate.

Sources say their sources are asking whether the President’s idea to serve fast food to the 2018 national champion Clemson Tigers upon their celebratory visit to the White House just might have been inspired – nay stolen - from the old Don Imus comedy bit entitled “1200 Hamburgers to Go”.

The Imus piece (that’s “1200 Hamburgers” … not Mrs. Imus) features the aforementioned retired radio-cowboy playing a sergeant in the Air National Guard on the telephone attempting to place an order for 1200 hamburgers to feed his troops.

The Trump piece features the president playing the Commander in Chief in otherwise essentially the same role.

Link to the Imus bit: Imus "1200 Hamburgers to Go"

Could it be coincidence?

What’s more, Trump and Imus were acquainted, back before Imus quit drinking and before Trump quit not being leader of the free world.

You be the judge.

Some have asked if this revelation might also shed light on the circumstances leading to House Majority Leader Pelosi recently being denied a government plane for her scheduled trip to Afghanistan.

But our investigation shows that was apparently done simply as a favor to Afghanistan.  As a Trump staffer was heard saying, “Haven’t those poor people suffered enough?”

Meanwhile Democrats are suggesting an investigation may be warranted to get to the bottom of any potential Imus involvement.

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Copyright 2019 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

The Tightest Seal in Alaska

by Harlowe Pilgrim, for The Shit Creek Times ("All the shit that's fit to print")

Yaktattoo, Alaska – Say goodbye to “The Tightest Seal in Alaska.”

Not that a satisfying seal can’t still be had.  But the local company who advertised it now finds itself belly-up.

And not in a satisfying way.

Ironic that the future for Wet Willy Weather Stripping … sucks.

It was only months ago, they began using that slogan and the initial response was promising.

“We got a lot of calls,” an ex-employee told us. “The Tightest Seal in Alaska.  The old gal at the front desk could hardly keep up.”

But there was some sand in the lubricant.  In other words, a problem.

“None of the people were calling about weather stripping.  They thought, by ‘tight seal’ … we were talking about animals!  Seals, the marine mammals!  Feeling tight around their—never mind.  Sick fucks.”

The company did attempt to clarify the advertising campaign.

“That’s right, we really did.  And I just wanted to make sure all the readers out there (see, I know there might be children reading) understand that what I said about sick fucks before, the sick fucks I was talking about was them wanna-be seal-fuckers.  Not the animals.  Them seals are fairly innocent in the whole thing as far as I’m concerned.  That’s probably why they’re so tight.”

But it was difficult to convince the customers.

“Difficult to say the least.  We’d get the customers on the phone, and tellem’ we didn’t have any seals to put their penis in.  Or for that matter, slide around on their lady parts, if they hadem’. ‘We only sell weather stripping,’ we’d say.  We’d even spell it out sometimes.  W-e-a-t-h-e-r stripping.”

And how did the customers respond?

“Not very well.  One guy was like, ‘Weather stripping?  You mean, like taking your clothes off outside in the weather?  Shit!  Sign me up!’”

Nobody was interested in actual weather stripping?

“They weren’t interested in the kind we had to sell.  We were kind of out of luck, seeing as we didn’t have anything that was screwable, other than that old girl at the reception desk.  I guess she got some business out of it, but nothing that really helped the company any.”

You mean …?

“She weren’t really a tight seal either, if you know what I mean.  We’d already seen to that, if you know what I―”

We get it, sir.

“Oh, well good.  And you see, that was when they threatened to sue us out of business.”

Based on what?

“Based on, the company claimed to have ‘The tightest seal in Alaska.’  And we had no seals.  And the truth is, you could hardly even tell you were inside that old gal, that’s how un-tight her seal was.”

And the business closed its doors.

“Yep.  Belly-up.  Like the gal on the front desk.  Sometimes.”

The business owners were not available for comment.

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Copyright 2016 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Sex Workers Protest Job Losses

  

By Harlowe Pilgrim, for The Shit Creek Times (All the News that’s Fit to Shit)

Sex workers and the pimps who slap them were out in force today, protesting job losses due to the economy, sex toys, and as one of the protesters put it, “The march of fucking technology.”

It seems the purveyors of ‘The World’s Oldest Profession’ are suffering, right along with the rest of us.

“It’s all about job security for me,” said Harry Reamer, one of the protesting pimps. “That’s the reason I got into this racket in the first place. It sure wasn’t for the benefits. I mean, I got me some benefits …”

He gestured toward the girls standing around him, and flashed a gold-toothed smile. “… if you know what I mean. But I sure don’t got no health plan—I’ll tell you that right now.”

“The economy fucking sucks!” hollered one of Mr. Reamer’s girls. “Nobody’s got any fucking money to spend! I don’t mind being a cheap whore … but I shouldn’t have to give my ass away, should I?”

“No,” another hooker said, “you shouldn’t. And I’ll have you know, I haven’t finished one single blowjob in weeks.”

Asked to elaborate, she elaborated.

“I never charge to start a blowjob; only to finish them. And whenever I’m getting to that part of the show… the blokes are opting to go home and finish the job themselves! Can you imagine? That trick always used to be a slam dunk.”

“It’s technology,” Reamer informed us. “A dude can just put on some porn—usually for free—and stick his pickle into some rubber-lipped electric cocksucking time machine … and―”

“Harry,” one of the girls interrupted him, “they’re sex toys, not time machines.”

“They are too,” he said, raising his hand to slap her. “Mine, at home, has a fucking clock in it. And a goddamn radio.”

The girls looked aghast.

He put his hand back down.

“That’s right, I got a little toy collection of my own. What? You know pimpin’ ain’t easy. Come on, how am I supposed to afford your asses if you’re not making me any cash?”

“What I want to know,” a prostitute said, “is where is my BAILOUT? Everyone else is getting fucking bailed out … you know, our industry is just as green as any.”

“That’s right. Her pussy is completely green—it should totally qualify.”

“Are you talking about the trick I do with the sour apple lollipop?”

“No—I mean, it’s completely organic.”

“That’s true … I come very easy. Always have, since the first time I slide down a banister.”

“Not orgasmic … organic. Like, it’s all natural, not filling up landfills or polluting the air―”

“You noticed? Thank you … it’s so good to know all that douching hasn’t been for nothing.”

“Huh?” Mr. Reamer shook his head. “I’m always telling these bitches, men don’t give a shit about cleanliness. They’re pigs. I should know.”

When the group was asked their thoughts about the future of their industry, Reamer offered his thoughts.

“I think, my girls and me … we’re being phased out of society, you know? Pimps and prostitutes are going to have to find another line of work, if this shit keeps up. We can’t all go into politics, can we?”

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Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim