If
you’re lucky in money, then you have a lot in life.
If
you’re not lucky in money, then to have a
lot less is
your lot in life.
If
you’re lucky in love, then your life is nothing but champagne,
flowers, climaxes that make you see stars …
and more champagne.
And
more climaxes.
But
if you’re unlucky in love …
then life is not so sweet. Sure, you can still have all the
champagne, flowers, and climaxes you want—but
unfortunately, you’ll have to come up with them on your own.
The
unlucky in love have always been S.O.L. (that’s Solo Only Lovin’)
on St. Valentine’s Day.
That
is, unless they’re at least lucky in money.
If
one has the means, then there’s no reason on God’s green Earth
why they shouldn’t have a warehouse full of willing nubile bodies,
all ready to go with a flash of their benefactor's meaty billfold.
For
the rest of you, you’re sadly destined to be shut out of yet
another Valentine’s Day―loving
yourself …
and hating yourself.
Unless
you come up with a plan. An ingenious, effective, miracle of a plan.
But
let’s face it—it’s
not just love and money; you’re
not lucky in brains, either. If you had two brain cells to rub
together, you probably would have figured out how to become lucky in
love, money—or
both, by now.
Well,
the good news is, you may have shit for brains …
but you have a friend in me.
And
do I have
a Valentine’s day plan for you.
It’s delicious in its simplicity, and requires nothing but your
cooperation.
If
you’re a woman, all you have to do is …
leave the house naked.
If
you’re a man, do
not even think about
leaving the house naked. You
should go out fully
clothed.
Why?
Allow
me to explain.
Guys
dig naked chicks. I
know, it’s shocking, but it’s the truth. Any female who shows up
in the buff is sure to attract the attention of someone
who really wants to appreciate
her (the word ‘appreciate’ being a euphemism for wanting to get
intimate with her inner
self).
But
women do not
dig naked men.
They think we’re funny looking―and
they’re right. If you want to seduce a woman with your naked male
body, best stuff a big wad of cash in your butt-crack. That might
turn her on
… but
it will be despite the butt-crack, not because of it.
Women
do, however, love to be appreciated. Their
tickle-button’s always found somewhere between appreciation, and
helping out with the housework (consider those the two legs of
romance―get
between them). Recall our discussion of the word ‘appreciate’.
And
then, once
you’re all out of the house, what happens is …
Wait―
I’d like to interrupt myself here, and just emphasize the
importance of getting out of the house, for the success of this (or
any other) St. Valentine’s Day plan. That’s because you’re not
going to find Mr. or Ms. Goodtimes hiding under your bed or in the
broom closet (but on the odd chance that you do, just put this plan
on the shelf ‘till next year, and proceed with the making of the
love).
So,
back to the plan. The
naked ladies and clothed men
out are out on the town.
Now,
all the guys have to do is scoop up all the willing women. They
should be quite conspicuous; it should be easy as shooting fish in a
barrel, or getting an eyeful on a windy, miniskirt day.
Girls,
do your part. Let’s do this the
easy way,
so then we can do it the
hard way. Be
into it—
you don’t want the indecency of your exposure to have been for
naught.
Fellows,
get in there—don’t
be shy. The babes are never going to be flashing you a clearer
signal than this. When you get one in your sights …
take the shot, pardner! And don’t be coming back empty handed.
While
I’m sure that most of you are onboard, and ready to implement this
plan―with
gusto―on
February 14, there’s bound to be a few skeptics out there (there
always are).
They
can be skeptical all they want―we’ll
just leave them to their own devices (and hope for their sakes
they’ve stocked up on plenty of batteries for those devices).
You
won’t give a whit, because thanks to this surefire plan of mine,
you’ll be busy taking the Saint
out of Valentine’s Day. And loving it.
That
…
is what friends are for.
No
need to thank me.
-Harlowe
Pilgrim
PS.
Don’t call me to post bail, or for a ride to the clinic, okay? I’m
just the idea guy.
Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull
Publishing, LLC
Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks, Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.
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