You Say You Want a Resolution?

You say you want a resolution?

Well, you know … we’re all full of shit.

Every year, we make the same New Year’s resolutions—which should tell us, by now, that we must not be all that serious about following through with any of it.

Otherwise, we’d have accomplished those missions, and moved on to new resolutions by now, right?

Survey says, in the coming year, you’re looking to:

1. Spend more time with family & friends
2. Exercise
3. Lose weight
4. Quit smoking
5. Have more fun
6. Quit drinking
7. Get out of debt
8. Learn something new
9. Help others
10. Get organized

That’s all well and good, except that, sadly … you’re doomed to failure, same as always.

Why?

Is it for lack of good intentions?

Probably not.

Lack of discipline?

You’re getting closer, but you’re not quite on the tickle button.

You see, the bitch of all these resolutions is … that they’re so damn contradictory.

How the hell are you going to have more fun if you spend more time with your family? And if exercising, losing weight, and getting out of debt were fun - you’d have done them already, right?

Do you really think your friends and family will enjoy your company while you’re quitting smoking and losing weight? 
With cranky old you, wallowing in the depths of deprivation and despair?

They’ll be begging for the return of the fat smokestack they know and love … while they conspire, to kill you.

And I don’t see how quitting drinking is going to help others. Think of the poor bartender who’ll miss your business (and your drunken performances) … and all the potential hook-ups who’ll miss out on you, now that you’ll no longer be rating them through beer goggles.

A perfect ‘10’ will become a so-so ‘6’. And a ‘6’ will become a ‘Sorry … I never want to see you naked.’

Poor, lonely skanks.

As for learning something new, that may sound constructive right now … but once you sober-up, it’s going to sound like a lot of fucking work. Ugh! No fun.

Same with getting organized … not to mention the grief you’ll take from your friends and family (with whom you’re supposed to be spending more time, don’t forget), for your new anal-retentive tendencies.

Which will inspire you, to conspire to kill them back.

So, what’s a New Year’s resolutionary to do?

You need a fucking list, that fucking works.

Try this on for size:

1. Don’t die (otherwise, what would be the point?)
2. Pleasure others the way you want to be pleasured (known as The Golden Shower Rule)
3. Stay out of jail (or you’ll be pleasured in ways you don’t want to be pleasured)
4. Work hard (use your imagination)

There you have it—these would be my big four. Not too many to remember, minimal contradictions … and you can be a fat slob if you want.

I know you can do it.

May the Porsche be with you! (I guess that will be if you have a really good year)

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. Thanks to John Lennon and Jesus for their image. :)

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2013.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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