Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Duo

(follows "Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Uno")

"We have so much more to talk about, Arnold."

"That's fine—don't worry about it. I'm not going anywhere."

"Wow, that's really cooperative of you. Thanks."

"Don't thank me, Harlowe. Thank your twisted fucking mind for pretending I'm here in the first place."

"Oh yeah, right. Thank me then, I guess."

"Yeah, I was just thinking, you must have really enjoyed Clint Eastwood's act at the Republican convention, talking to that empty chair, and all of that. It was kind of like what you're doing now."

"Yeah, I thought it was cool; I'm a big Clint fan, like I'm a big Arnold fan."

"Actually, I liked it too, because I'm a big Clint fan, as well as a big Arnold fan. But why did he not use any of his signature lines? Like, Are you feeling lucky, punk? And, A man needs to know his limitations. I would have said Hasta la vista, baby."

"I'm sure you would have worked it in somewhere. I guess Clint didn't talk to you first, Arnie."

"I heard he didn't speak to anybody, first."

"Do you mind if I call you Arnie, Arnie?"

"I wouldn't—or it might be hasta la vista for Harlowe Pilgrim, baby."

"Oh, sorry. Baby."

"And are you sure you're such a big Arnold fan? Have you heard the questions you're asking me? It sounds kind of like you're trying to make me sound like some kind of an asshole …"

"Well, I'm mostly asking you about stuff that's supposed to be in your book. Were you trying to make yourself sound like an asshole when you wrote the book?"

"I wasn't that worried about it. I was only worried about telling the truth."

"And that's why you're out promoting the book, right?"

"Yes, and to sell books, and to veasel my way back into the public eye."

"Veasel means weasel, right?"

"Yes, veasel."

"Okay … so there you go. I'm only trying to help."

"Okay—your apology is accepted. Next question, please."

"Alright Arnold. Now we'll turn to … your career."

"My career? What about it?"

"You're trying to get it cranking again correct?"

"This is correct."

"So, I have some ideas for that. Mind if I run them by you?"

"I don't really mind your suggestions. I'm open to trying different things."

"I've heard that about you, too. So first, I was thinking you could come out with a new line of maternity maid outfits."

"Not a bad idea. I know you're trying to be a smartass, but it my experience, maids do get laid—and when it results in impregnation, they do need something to wear."

"I thought it was a pretty good idea."

"But don't they already make maternity uniforms?"

"Sure, somebody does. But none of them have your name on them."

"This is true. With my uniforms, it's like having Arnold all over you."

"There you go … who wouldn't want that?"

"Nobody wouldn't want that; I'll talk to my people, and get the veels turning. Okay, what else?"

"Uh … veels are wheels, right Arnold?"

"Yes, this is what I said: get the veels turning. Now, what else?"

"Okay. How about … a line of Arnold fertility clinics? I can hear it now: We're here to KNOCK … YOU UP!"

 

"Ha Ha, very funny. I could be talked into that one; I like the tag line."

"Good. I was also thinking of a special line of metallic-look Terminator Cyborg condoms, maybe with a glowing red eye in the tip."

"Nah, I don't really believe in condoms; I never use them."

"Well Arnold—I know that, and you know that—and everyone else knows that now—but that doesn't mean it couldn't sell. Just give it some thought, okay?"

"You have my word. And that word is no—I think I'm going to pass on that one."

"How about a sex toy, called the Governator Masturbator? That could be a success."

"Nah, I don't want a bunch of people going blind and blaming me for it. What else?"

"Another film project would be good. How about a Wizard of Oz remake, where the wicked witch sends a homicidal robot back in time to kill Dorothy."

"And Toto, too?"

"Yeah, and her little dog, too."

"Can the vicked vitch be someone grope-able?"

"Well, yeah! We're not casting any ugly bitches in your movies."

"I thought we were talking vitches."

"We were. Witches."

"Okay, I'm sold. I'll have my people call some other people, and make it happen."

"Cool. I'm glad you're into my idea."

"Yeah, great. Is that the last one, or what?"

"Almost; I have on e more good one."

"Okay, what is this?"

"What it you started a singing career? I remember the scene from Twins, when you were on the plane, singing Yakety Yak. That was memorable."

"Yakety Yak—Don't talk back! Ah, the good old days. Danny Devito was one of my hottest co-stars."

"He was? Hotter that Brigitte Nielson, when you filmed Red Sonja?"

"Yes. He was always very warm. And vicked funny."

"So you like the singing career idea?"

"Maybe. To tell you the truth, I've always wanted to try rap. Vord to your mother."

"Uh … that's word to your mother, right Arnold?"

###

May Be Continued …

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Obama's Big Stick

"So, President Obama … Vice President Biden has promised us that you have a big stick."

"Uh … yeah … well … I guess he did say that."

"Which made us wonder, if you've had an opportunity to check out each other's sticks—perhaps you'd like to return the favor, and critique Mr. Biden's … stick."

"Uh … okay. Well, it's … it's really … well, it's … honestly … I've never seen anything like it. Biden's known for having hair plugs … but … I didn't even know they did them … down there. That had to hurt, right? I mean … damn."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Uno

"Well Arnold, I've seen all your movies, so I know that in addition to being an on-screen badass, you're a pretty funny guy. I guess that explains why you agreed to talk to me."

"I don't know about that. I mean, the first part—yes, I am a funny guy. But I haven't agreed to talk to you."

"But … you're talking now, big guy."

"No, I'm not talking at all. It's you, imagining. Again."

"Really? I'm writing to myself again?"

"Yes, Harlowe; this is all you. You'd better put a call in to that shrink of yours."

"I will later, I promise—but can we finish this first, while I'm channeling you?"

"It doesn't matter to me. You'll do whatever you want, won't you?"

"Well, don't you think I should?"

"Of course I do. When I want something, I just reach out and grab it."

"No kidding; I've actually heard that about you, Arnold."

"Hopefully, everybody has. I've come out with a book about it, you know. It's a tell-all."

"A tell-all, huh? What I usually want to know about a tell-all is, what does it leave out? All the juicy parts, right?"

"No, the book is full of my juicy parts. The only juicy parts I left out are the ones that I've forgotten. Lets face it … nobody could remember all the vimen I've fooled around with."

"Vimen means women, right Arnold? I'm trying to translate, here."

"Yes, vimen."

"Okay, got it. So, one of the vimen you fooled around with was your maid, right? The one you fathered the love child with … I presume that's in the book?"

"Yeah, that one; I guess I fooled around with her too good. Funny thing is, I've screwed every housekeeper we've ever had, and very few of them ended up with a Terminator in their time machine … but yeah, that's all in the book. It's really a terrific story."

"You think it's terrific? It sounds like it would be a little uncomfortable, airing your dirty laundry in public like this."

"No, really, I'm absolutely fine with it. Sure, the kids are looking for a nice family to adopt them, and Maria is mortified—but hey, she's the one who started telling everybody about it in the first place; getting all pissed off, and all of this. I was perfectly content to keep my mouth shut about it."

"And there's money to be made …"

"That's right, and I love to make money."

"It does make the world go 'round."

"Yes, and I have a divorce to pay for, don't forget."

"Yeah, and I bet it's going to be an expensive one."

"Eh … don't remind me, alright? What else do you want to know, Harlowe?"

"Well, about all these affairs you've been having: I remember in your movie Pumping Iron, you said that the pump you get from lifting weights gave you the feeling of coming, so in effect you felt like you were coming all the time."

"Yes."

"Now, if that were the case, I wonder why you needed to fool around so much. Didn't you already feel like you were coming all the time?"

"Well, Pumping Iron was a long time ago, and I know now that in my youth, there was something I was mistaken about. As it turns out, the reason why I felt like I was coming all the time, was actually all of the sex I was having."

"Oh … that realization must have come as a shock."

"Yes, you can imagine."

"So you felt like you were coming all the time because you were coming all the time."

"Exactly. Go figure, right?"

"Hey, speaking of sex in the old days, care to address the gay rumors?"

"You mean the bisexual rumors?"

"Yeah, those."

"Of course. All of those rumors are absolutely untrue. I've never had to pay for sex. I did sell it a few times, though—back in the day. I liked making money then as well, you see."

"Uh, Arnold … I didn't mean buy sexual, as in paying for it …"

"Oh."

"So …"

"Like I said before, I've never had to pay for it."

"Hmmm … then how about the the gay rumors? Have you ever had sex with a man?"

"When a woman was available? No. At least, not that I can remember."

"Well, that settles that."

"I'll say that I've always seen myself as a pitcher. As far as who's catching … hey, a strike zone's a strike zone, right?"

"I guess so, Arnold. If we're talking baseball, anyways."

"Oh, are we talking about baseball now?"

"I don't know. I was sort of hoping we were."

"I can't say I know a lot about baseball. Bodybuilding was more my game. That was always something I liked about making babies. Making babies is like bodybuilding. Building little bodies."

"Can't say I ever thought of it that way, Arnold."

"Well as you know, I'm a visionary."

"Of course."

###

Continue to "Arnold and Me (or Twins II) - Part Duo"

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Jesus and His Old Lady

Hold the phones! Have you heard the news? Jesus Christ had a wife!

According to the experts, that's what a newly unveiled scrap of ancient papyrus tells us (see the article here). They say it quotes Jesus talking about "my wife" (meaning his wife, not the author's wife).

So, I guess we can consider that case closed—because the experts have never steered us wrong.

Actually, come to think of it, they screw with us all the time. So, I'm afraid this time, I'm going to insist on evaluating the evidence for myself.

Here is a picture of the ancient papyrus in question (I know it looks just like a yellow post-it note. That's probably just a coincidence).

Okay, well I thought the Coptic to English translation was going to be a bitch, but I must have a knack for it, because I can clearly make out the words "my" and "wife". So far, so good; the experts and I are on the same page.

Another part of the story here is that the papyrus came from some mysterious private collection. And as it turns out, I was able to gain access to some other scraps, from the same collection.

Let's see if we can translate those, as well. Maybe we can gain even more historical insight.

Wow. "Walk the dog". So Jesus not only had a wife, but he had a dog, too? I don't recall ever hearing of any references to that in The Bible. And he had to walk it himself? I wonder if it ever chewed on his sandals.

So, what else have we got?

Huh. This one translates to "take out the garbage". Interesting how it reveals that Jesus had other chores to do, besides walking the dog. The nagging nature of this particular papyrus scrap definitely reaffirms the whole having a wife thing. Bachelors don't have to do chores, as we all know (at least there's nobody nagging them).

Do you see this? "Happy Anniversary Jesus! Love, Mary M." This papyrus has to be the most revealing yet! I realize the skeptics will note there are many different types of anniversaries (not just wedding anniversaries), but she signed it Love … and there's actually a clue as to her name: Mary M. Hmmm … call me crazy, but I think the M could stand for Magdalene.

Here is another clue to her identity. How about about that? Apparently, this Mary M. is a working girl. I thought I heard something about Mary Magdalene being a prostitute—but maybe she just had a job. Good for Jesus—for putting her ass to work.

Last but not least, there's "Put the lasagna in the oven". This papyrus rings true even perhaps more than the others. I love lasagna.

'Nuff said, is what I say. The evidence is conclusive—they were married.

Now we know. Meet the Christs.


-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Mary Magdalene Interview - Humor

http://www.booksie.com/humor/essay/harlowe_pilgrim/mary-magdalene-interview

Are Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene married?  You're damn right they are!

Santa and Mrs. Claus in Bed

Santa and Mrs. Claus in Bed - Erotica Essay - humor, sex, erotic

Bestiality and Ewe

Sick and tired of the harassment every time you saddle up to your sweetie? Is being shunned by society starting to wear on you? Have bestiality laws got you down?

This goes out to all the sick bastards out there (you know who you are)—who can’t seem to keep your hands off the livestock.

Folks, if you think the term animal husbandry refers to having marital-type relations with someone who’s … a species other than human … I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong idea. And if inter-species relationships actually turn you on … then I’m afraid you’ve really got the wrong idea.

And you’re what they call a zoophile.

Yes, the animals are our friends—but they just don’t think of us in that way. Frankly, they’re not that into you. They don’t want it to get physical … and if they could talk, they’d tell you so.

“Come Spot!”

When you call your dog, the command is supposed to be totally unrelated to sexual climax. This should not be news to anyone.

“The bitch wanted it.”

If you say so, but please stop explaining there … we don’t want to know about it.

“Woof!”

How about this? I recently saw where a guy had gotten himself into quite a slippery situation—something about a barn security camera catching him kissing a horse. On the wrong end.

Wait—there’s a right end to kiss them on?

“I thought we were cool,” the fellow might have said. “She said she was 3 yrs old.”

That is just about the age of consent for a horse.

So, the guy admitted to trespassing, and licking the horse. I gather he was trying to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of … where baby horses pop out.

I guess it didn’t bother her too much; she could have kicked him across the barn. But then, if she’d liked it very much, the same damn thing would probably have happened. You know how it goes, with ladies in the throes …

Which reminds me:

Quick … how many drinks does it take to have sex with a horse?

A lot of them; they can really hold their alcohol.

And lest you think that men are the only pigs in the barnyard—women are not immune. They’ll ogle a big Mastiff’s member, or a donkey’s kong, just like it’s dangling down from a Hollywood prettyboy. I’m telling you, there’s more than a few who’ll try to milk a bull if you let them (and you know who you are).

The trick is getting them to let you be the bull.

And, hey!  Let go of that cock! Of course it tastes like chicken! It is a chicken!

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim