Great
news! The future is coming … and it’s getting everywhere!
In
fact, it’s shooting right into our G-Spots.
And
by G-Spots, I mean garages.
According
to technology soothsayers and media smart arses, you’re going to
have a self-driving car in your
garage faster than you can say “Let’s hook up.”
Like
big-butt injections and sexting teachers, they are the new reality.
It’s
only a matter of time before driver’s licenses go the way of your
underwear—you’ll never have them on you.
Think
you’ll be able to avoid what’s coming? That’s what your mom
thought … and you see how that
worked out.
Sure,
they’re easing us into self-driving cars slowly—with
just a few experimental shitboxes (I mean, vehicles) on the road to
start.
But
trust me, the machines are taking over.
(Look
no further than the toy collection in your dresser drawer for
evidence of that.)
What’s
that? You prefer to do your own driving? Think you can leave
self-driving cars to the techo freaks and eco geeks?
Think
again. Now that the Internet-government machine has control of some
cars … you don’t really expect them to let you control
your car … do you?
Yeah,
right. And they’ll probably decide to let you spend your own
money, while they’re at it.
As
Mother Theresa probably never said … fat fucking chance.
All
too soon will the day be upon us, you’ll be able to drive yourself
crazy, but that will be about it.
But
fear ye not … all will not be lost. Every cloud has a silver
lining. Or so they say. Although if that were true, it seems that
every cloud would be … silver.
Silver-lined
or not, consider a moment that which has driven most technological
development and human endeavor from the the beginning of time: Sex.
(I
know … you were probably already considering it. I was.)
And
specifically, consider the relentless hip thrust that pushes (cue the
thumping disco beat) the Internet (soon to be your chauffeur) deeper
and deeper into our moist, chewy centers: Pornography.
(Hope
I didn’t make it sound too dirty.)
That’s
right, the internet flourishes for the purposes of porn
viewing, porn sharing, and self-gratification, despite all attempts
at nobler justification.
Now,
behind the wheel, all of this sexy-business can be problematic …
ranging from ‘Seconds to Orgasm Acceleration Syndrome’ to having
to fill out ‘Wet Hands Slippery Grippery’ accident reports.
But
… only if you’re the one driving!
In
terms of sexual gratification on the road, safety has just lurched
forward by leaps and bounds!
Like
a pelvis in the throes …
And
if you think safety will be the only thing looking up, you have
another thing coming. (Again?)
Self-driving
cars give us so much more to think about.
Just
wait until you wrap your hands around … all the time you’ll
save not driving! Thanks to self-driving cars, there’ll be plenty
of time to stop and smell the smut.
And
we pretty much already covered that time on your hands, equals time
for your hands on yourself.
Which
is going to lead to the need for … a whole lot of cleaning
supplies.
Will
these cars have Kleenex dispensers?
They’ll
probably have have lotion dispensers.
Disinfecting
wipes, anyone?
Let’s
not shake hands.
Bring
on that vinyl—we need something that doesn’t stain. They could
use it for the car interiors, too.
And
bring on the wrist injuries (and carpal tunnel for the ladies. Or is
that carpet tunnel?). You think you’ve stayed in
masturbating shape? Even so, with the increased workload, you’ll
take a beating.
Think
you spend a lot of time in the car now? Trust me, you’ll never
want to get out of a car that you always get off in.
Can
we just stop at a drive-thru?
“Chhh
… Welcome to McDonald King. May I take your order?”
“Yeah,
can I get a large whatever feels best rubbed on your penis?”
“Certainly
… will that be all?”
What
else is there?
A
you-make-me shake?
Guys
won’t be able to get out of car anyway—they’ll
always have a boner. Even more so than is already the case.
In
fact, we may need reverse ED drugs to calm that bad boy down. Even
more so than we already do.
Or
one could travel with their mother-in-law. Her deflationary effects
are well-known.
By
the way, are these cars going to have tinted windows? Can we make
that standard equipment? I don’t see why not (but the tint’s so
dark, I can’t see anything—thankfully).
Also,
might as well install a vibrator dock where the cigarette lighter
used to be. Hope it doesn’t come out as hot as the cigarette
lighters used to.
Now,
thanks a bunch for the self-driving cars, but … speaking of
vibrator docks and other feats of high tech trickery … what about
all the other important stuff we were supposed to be getting in the
future?
Where
are my x-ray glasses?
“Darling,
I AM looking you in the eye.” (Eye meaning … nipple.)
Where
are the robots with sexy bodies? Life will be much better with
robots with sexy bodies. We’re talking, perky robot boobies and
rockin’ robot booties, here.
How
about a reusable condom? A nice resealable package might mean less
work for the ladies tearing them open (the packages, not the
condoms—hopefully).
Speaking
of the ladies, how about pads and tampons that can be used more than
once? Just wring them out, like a chamois. I even have a name …
the Everlasting Gobbstopper.
Get
me Willy Wonka on the phone.
The
Willy Wonka would actually be a good name for the
aforementioned reusable condom—think
Willy’d be interested?
And
sometime in the near future, we’re supposed to be getting …
invisibility cloaks! As Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh the Places You Will
Go!”
Clearly,
the doctor knew the future was coming.
Soon,
there will be 3-D printing of bones—which will be nice, because
then you’ll have a reason to print out all of those dick pics
you’ve been getting.
How
about that pill for obesity? We have it already. How many calories
are in pills? None? Then if you only eat pills … you’ll
lose weight, won’t you? Why wouldn’t that work?
Of
course it will work.
And
where is the cure for losing your hair? Also done. Just wear a
swimming cap. Your hair might still fall out—but you won’t lose
it. It’ll be right there in the cap.
Will
there be self-walking pants? Self-dropping pants is more like it.
Dresses
with a built-it wind tunnel?
What
did you eat last night? Seems you already have a built-in wind
tunnel.
How
about eating bio-engineered Frankenmeat?
I
don’t know about you, but I don’t need the competition.
But
what about the future?
The
reality is, self-driving cars will drop a load of benefits.
Although
some will be put off by all of the masters and baiting
and other filth they will bring … just how big (and hard) will the
updick in self-gratification really be?
As
a matter of fact, there’s already a hole lot of masturbation going
on behind the wheel today (my trucker friends have seen what you
do—don’t try to deny it) … only, when you do it and drive, it’s
multi-tasking.
Now
you’ll finally be able to concentrate.
And,
at least speeding tickets will become a thing of the past.
“Oh,
was I speeding, Officer? Well, Google was the one driving.”
The
Internet made me do it.
Not
that the pieces of shit will be able to exceed the speed limit
anyhow.
And,
does anybody go on dates anymore? I mean, dates with real people?
One
of the best things about traditional driver-driven cars, from
a young lady’s point of view is … driving keeps their date from …
well, molesting them. At least, operating a motor vehicle provides a
minimal distraction from that hottie body in the passenger
seat, and gives his hands something to do besides groping (for one
hand, at least).
With
self-driving cars, there’s nothing to do on the way to dinner but …
what, talk?
Nope,
better have a Plan B. If you blow your (conversational) load on the
road, you won’t have anything to talk about over dinner. You must!
must! must! figure out how to have sex on the way … or the meal …
will be awkward.
Which
leads to another futuristic problem:
Space.
In
that, every self-driving car I’ve seen lacks the interior space for
two full-sized adults to copulate … even a little. Midget on
midget copulation … maybe. Midget on full-sized adult … worth a
try, but you’re gonna have to open the sunroof.
And,
if anyreader out there likes to party … then self-driving cars
could be just the thing for them! (And everybody else on the road.)
Bring on the wet bars!
I
wonder if any drunk drivers have tried to get by with this in their
regular, driver-driven rides.
“Officer,
I thought my car was driving itself, I swear. Care for a nip?”
“Please
button your blouse, ma’am. And step out of the car.”
The
self-driving cars will compliment one big trend we’d riding these
days: marijuana legalization.
Picture
streets filled with self-driving cars, all rolling smoke like Cheech
and Chong’s old low-rider Impala.
So,
environmentally friendly, they are. Emissions-free, they ain’t
exactly.
“Hey
man, your car is smoking.”
“It
is? It better be smoking ITS OWN weed.”
At
least it probably knows its own way to Taco Bell and Pizza Hut.
Which
is what I call a modern-ass convenience.
And
reminds me of one modern-ass convenience I’m NOT interested in.
Will
self-driving cars wash themselves?
I
hope the Hell not.
Because
I sure don’t want to put soapy girls in bikinis out of work.
Nobody
wants that.
Make
sure you get the dirty parts.
