Santa and Mrs. Claus Interview, with Harlowe Pilgrim

Hello, this is Harlowe Pilgrim.

When my novel Jesus Vs. Santa wrapped, I conducted a series of interviews with some of its biggest players. The following is my interview with Santa and Mrs. Claus (also known as Kris and Jessica Kringle).

Pilgrim: Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus!  Welcome, it’s good to see you. Ho Ho Ho!

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! I think you stole my line there, Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Well, I’ve written it so many times ...

Mrs. Claus: I’ll say! Jesus Vs. Santa is full of Ho Ho Ho’s!

Santa: Full of Ho’s? Ho Ho Ho!

Pilgrim: (laughs) I think you mean …

Mrs. Claus: Yeah, the laughing kind of Ho Ho Ho’s—not the skanky streetwalking kind.

Pilgrim: I’m glad we got that straightened out.

Santa: Yeah, I thought I missed something there, for a minute. I was just about to re-read the book!

Pilgrim: Maybe you should—Jesus told me he edited a few things.

Mrs. Claus: He did?

Santa: Then I’m probably not reading it again. If he’s been fucking around with it, I probably don’t want to know how.

Mrs. Claus: Agreed. He probably doesn’t.

Pilgrim: So … now that you’re book stars, is life treating you any differently?

Santa: Don’t forget kid, we’ve appeared in lots of books over the years. But I have to say, ever since we appeared in Jesus Vs. Santa, my wife is sure getting a lot more interview requests. And requests for photo shoots. And video shoots. The adults only media seems particularly interested, for some reason.

Mrs. Claus: He says you made me a sex symbol, Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Whoa, that’s giving me a whole lot of credit I don’t deserve. At most, I helped expose you as a sex symbol.

Santa: That’s fair enough.

Pilgrim: I’d like to know how the world ever got the impression she was the old, grandmotherly type anyhow.

Mrs. Claus: I think it was all those other books, and the TV specials and things. I have tended to keep kind of a low profile over the years, so I bet they just went ahead and gave me an appearance that was age appropriate for Santa.

Santa: Age appropriate for Santa? Ho Ho Ho! That’s …

Mrs. Claus: Ridiculous, we know.

Pilgrim: That is not how Santa rolls.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Not so long as I can help it! I think I’ll stick with hot blondes.

Mrs. Claus: Ahem.

Santa: Hot blonde. That’s what I meant to say, Jessica Kringle.

Pilgrim: (laughs) So how about you, Santa? Has the book made you a sex symbol?

Santa: I’ve always been a sex symbol, Ho Ho Ho!

Mrs. Claus: Yeah, to himself. I doubt his sex symbol-ness has occurred to anyone else, though.

Santa: What do you mean? What woman wouldn’t want a piece of this?

Mrs. Claus: Um … most of them, besides me?

Pilgrim: (laughs) What a thing to say.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Yeah, ouch—that kind of hurt.

Mrs. Claus: Now, wouldn’t it be more cruel of me to foster your delusions?

Santa: Damn … now I’m delusional, too. Maybe fostering my delusions would be a little nicer.

Pilgrim: I find you sexy, Santa. If that makes you feel any better …

Santa: I hope you understand, it really doesn’t.

Mrs. Claus: I’m mostly kidding anyways, you nut.

Pilgrim: (laughs) I thought we all were.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! Of course … I … was just kidding … the whole fucking time.

Pilgrim: We knew that.

Santa: Wait—so don’t really find me sexy, Harlowe?

Mrs. Claus: Ahem …

Pilgrim: Yes, well, moving right along …

Santa: Hey—are you two just trying to change the …?

Mrs. Claus: Subject? Who, us?

Pilgrim: Santa, we’re trying nothing of the sort. Frankly, I’m a little insulted. So, how about them elves?

Santa: The elves? What about them?

Pilgrim: They seem kind of … well, short, for starters.

Mrs. Claus: Yes. They’re elves.

Santa: Yup. That’s the stereotype—tiny little elves. That’s why they appear so small in the book.

Pilgrim: Aren’t they always that small?

Santa: Nope. Jesus Vs. Santa is chocked full of special effects, and those little buggers are one of ‘em.

Mrs. Claus: Kris …

Pilgrim: You mean to tell me and our audience that the elves were only small for the book?

Santa: Yup. It was all just book movie magic.

Mrs. Claus: Really, Kris …

Santa: It’s true. In real life, we’ve got some elves as tall as pro basketball players. And they can dunk with the best of them.

Pilgrim: Really? I had no …

Santa: Nah, not really, Ho Ho Ho! I was just fucking with you.

Pilgrim: Aw, you were?

Mrs. Claus: You took the bait, Harlowe.

Santa: You sure did, Ho Ho Ho! Sink, line, and hooker.

Pilgrim: Isn’t the phrase, ‘hook, line, and sinker’?

Santa: Well, maybe it is, but good luck getting a sinker to turn tricks for cash!

Mrs. Claus: Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming.

Santa: Which one coming? The hooker? Ho Ho Ho! Then she shouldn’t get money too, should she?

Pilgrim: Not really sure how that works, Santa.

Santa: You know who I ask all my whore questions, don’t you?

Mrs. Claus: Oh no …

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! That’s right—our little friend, Mary Magdalene.

Pilgrim: Mrs. Jesus Christ.

Mrs. Claus: I feel so bad when you guys rag on Mary for all the prostitute bullshit.

Santa: Come on, honey. We tease because we love.

Pilgrim: She seems to take it okay. And she gives as good as she gets, from what I’ve seen.

Santa: Not only that, but Jesus thinks it’s funny. How bad could it be, if the Prince of Peace is okay with it?

Mrs. Claus: You of all people should know the answer to that, Kris.

Pilgrim: That’s a hell of a point, actually. Don’t you remember the shit that happened in Jesus Vs. Santa? Maybe you should re-read the book.

Santa: Yeah, well some of that was kind of troubling … and unpleasant, but … Ho Ho Ho! A joke’s still a joke, right?

Pilgrim: (laughs) Yeah, I guess it is.

Mrs. Claus: (sighs) You guys are something else.

Santa: You are too, sweetie pie.

Pilgrim: Aw, shucks.

Santa: Ho Ho Ho! I did not call you ‘sweetie pie’, kid. But I could go for some.

Mrs. Claus: Always.

Pilgrim: Well, on that note, I guess I’ll let you guys go. Thank you so much for coming in.

Santa: You’re welcome. Coming in was our pleasure.

Mrs. Claus: You’re such a pig, Kris. Bye Harlowe.

Pilgrim: Goodbye, guys.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2012

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Whacking Elmo

Okay, here’s the situation.

You’ve got an iconic TV show to put together, and one of your lead actors has gotten himself in trouble with the law. He’s a huge part of the show, and you can’t live without him—but he’s in shit so deep you can’t live with him either.

You have to let the dirtbag go.

But what if the character we’re talking about is a puppet? More specifically, a Muppet?

And what if the alleged bad guy is his puppeteer—who actually terminated himself (from his job—not from the planet), on account of some public allegations of sexual improprieties with teenage boys?

The plot thickens …

And what if the Muppet in question is the world famous, furry red, not scary monster—Elmo. You know, the little dude from Sesame Street?

The plot gets even thicker … and harder.

For one thing, this would seem to be quite an unfortunate place to take the Elmo brand. One wonders how well children’s entertainment and pedophilia really mix. Apparently, our puppeteer thought the combo made for a tasty cocktail—but I’ll speak for everyone else, and say that nobody else thinks so.

At least, nobody we’d tell how to get to Sesame Street.

Who did this guy think he was? The King of … Pop?

Perhaps he did.

And what of poor furry little Elmo? Didn’t he see it coming?

I bet he has … but the little guy’s not talking, so who knows? One thing’s for sure: A co-worker who kept sticking his hand up your butt would definitely give you a funny feeling.

So anyhow, Elmo’s lips are sealed.

You’d think the guy wearing our little buddy around on his schlong would have sent up a red flag.

Imagine seeing that on the set.

“Don’t just stand there throbbing, Elmo … we’ve got a show to tape!”

And if Elmo the puppet worked like ‘Tickle Me Elmo’, the famous vibrating toy … I guess there must have been a lot of stage hands ducking for cover.

“Ah huh huh Ah huh huh Ah huh huh! That tickles!”

“Yo! Elmo needs to be dry-cleaned again!”

Butt, not being one to dwell on the past—let’s take a moment to dwell on the future.

What does Sesame Street do now? With no one to work him or voice his character, Elmo’s just a furry red golf club head cover.

They could do an ‘Elmo hits puberty’ storyline, and bring James Earl Jones on board to voice him. He could even bring the scuba tank from Star Wars with him, and go full on Darth Vader ‘Dark Side’ with the character.

Or bring Vin Diesel in, remaking Elmo as a gritty, but lovably stupid critter from the mean streets.

Then there’s the ‘go to’ option for every other TV show when there’s problems with the cast: bump the little bastard off.

That’s right, employ The Godfather solution. Whack him! Whack him now!

Elmo disappears, and our problem disappears.

Actually, that sounds like a promising spin off movie, doesn’t it? “Whacking Elmo”. Lots of people would go see it.

And it ends with a Muppet-shaped chalk outline on the sidewalk.

Elmo, you broke our hearts ...

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. I understand they’ve actually got new people to work the little bugger, so fear not—Elmo will be touching us for the foreseeable future.

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Ever wonder if you’re the only one who has to strip naked at the dentist’s office?

Ever wonder if that’s why you’re the only one who likes to go?

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Lifting my shirt, and flashing my tweets

Been tweeting a lot lately. 

For a good time, follow https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Classified Blonde

Classified Blonde

A pretty blonde girl circled a help-wanted ad in a newspaper she was reading.

“I’m going to apply for this job,” she said to her friend. “I’m going to work in an aviary.”

“An aviary?” her friend said. “What do you know about birds?”

“Well …” She grinned. “I’ve definitely sucked a cockatoo.”

 -Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Get some ink on your @#$% ?

Get some ink on your @#$% ?

Oh, get some ink on your book!

Cock and Bull Publishing (www.cockandbullpublishing.com) has signed copies of my famous novel Jesus Vs. Santa—for the same price they go for not signed everywhere else!

Just think… with a signed book, you’ll not only be a reader―you’ll be a collector.

I want that for you. 

Get yours today!

-Harlowe Pilgrim

It’s Enough To Piss Off The Pope

It’s enough to piss off the Pope? Well if it is, it must be really, really bad.

Most of the time, the Pope just turns the other cheek—in über Christ-like fashion.

But he’s only human, so you know that sometimes, things get under even his skin. They push his buttons, and drive him up a goddamn wall, same as they do with you and me.

Still, it must take a lot, right?

Behold! The top sixteen things that are enough to piss off the Pope (in no especially particular order):

1. The stress of the job! He’s got the whole world giving him Hell in one ear – and God busting his balls in the other.
2. Why the hell can’t a pope get a pair of pants? Who takes an executive in a skirt seriously? Well, how about a dude executive in a skirt?
3. Thanks to nepotism, there’s a glass ceiling right above pope that he’ll never be able to crack—no matter how well he does. The top positions in the organization are all family.
4. There’s actually people who’d like him to come out in support of things like abortion and gay marriage. As if! When you’re working for God—it’s His way, or the highway. And you know where the highway leads …
5. Always having his spiffy hat knocked off by low-hanging ceiling fans, and the like. Sometimes helicopter blades do it, too.
6. Never getting invited to bachelor parties. Ever.
7. Unlike a U.S. President, a pope does not receive a Nobel Peace Prize before he even accomplishes anything (Nobel Peaceful, or otherwise).
8. And also unlike a U.S. President, he wouldn’t get to keep his unearned Prize, if he was a total fuck-up.
9. Eyeglasses, and the clergymen who wear them. They’re seen as evidence that masturbation does eventually cause blindness. Fortunately, they’re also evidence that there is some gratification out there not being had at the expense of the loins of young boys.
10. The only day the Pope can go out in public is Halloween—when he can blend in with all the other kids dressed up in pope costumes. Every other day, the poor guy stands out like a sore thumb.
11. Thanks to the clergy’s bad reputation, he can’t even wash people’s feet without everyone immediately thinking ‘foot fetish’.
12. Having his predecessor living in the neighborhood, threatening to rat him out to the big guy, whenever the shit's about to hit the fan.
13. Clergymen giving kids facials. Priests are not Avon men, for Christ’s sake.
14. It’s a real pain-in-the-ass dealing with the papal robes, when nature calls. Although he could always go the diaper route, like an astronaut, or a NASCAR driver.
15. Every subway vent is a potential Pope Marilyn Monroe upskirt shot.
16. Unless it’s a New Orleans Mardis Gras Mass, nobody flashes their tits for rosary beads. Why so uptight, ladies?

Quite a list, wouldn’t you say?

Now upon reflection, I’m with him—

Totally pissed off too.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Some special Jesus pics ...

Jesus Christ is a pretty cool guy, in my novel Jesus Vs. Santa.

Check out my collection of special Jesus pics, at http://pinterest.com/harlowepilgrim/.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Some hot Mary Magdalene pics

In my book Jesus Vs. Santa, Mary Magdalene is smokin' hot!

More pics!  http://pinterest.com/harlowepilgrim/

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Have Six with Tiger Woods

What does Tiger Woods call a date with six girls all at once?

Another eighteen holes.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Some readers have reported spontaneous orgasms ...

You know, some readers have reported spontaneous orgasms from my books ...

I don't happen to believe them, but don't you think you should find out for yourself?

Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at Amazon, iBooks, Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Better keep something handy to clean up with, just in case.

And please forward this to all your horny friends - you know they'll be grateful.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim