Tom the Turkey

Tom the turkey was drinking beers with one of his buddies.

"You know how a female dog is called a bitch?" he said. "Did you know a female turkey is also called a bitch?"

"They are? That's news to me, man."

"Yeah? Well …" Tom downed the rest of his beer. "… I guess that shows you've never been married to one of 'em."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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A Thanksgiving misunderstanding

"Oh dear God! James! What are you doing to the turkey?"

"Just what you said, Pa. You said to go out behind the barn, and …"

"PLUCK the turkey, James! I said PLUCK the turkey!"

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Turkey Bakin'

"Hey―what are you doing in here?"

"A little steamin', a little boilin', a little bakin'…"

"Um … I'm afraid I don't understand."

I'm fixing Thanksgiving dinner."

"You are? But …you're a turkey."

"Yes sir, I am indeed."

"So … what's for dinner? Not a …"

"Turkey? Oh no, of course not. We're having chicken."

"Chicken? Who the Hell ever heard of chicken for Thanksgiving?"

"You have, now. And frankly, I don't give a shit—on Thanksgiving, it's every bird for them-fuckin'-selves!"

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Mom sure loves cooking

Johnny's mother was preparing a big Thanksgiving feast, and all the guests arrived at the same time.

He greeted them at the door. "Happy Thanksgiving," he said.

"Happy Thanksgiving," they replied.

"Where's your mom?" one of them asked.

"In the kitchen … sucking off the turkey."

"She's what?"

"You know, with the baster thing. It sucks off the juice, and squirts it all over?"

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim