It’s Enough To Piss Off The Pope

It’s enough to piss off the Pope? Well if it is, it must be really, really bad.

Most of the time, the Pope just turns the other cheek—in über Christ-like fashion.

But he’s only human, so you know that sometimes, things get under even his skin. They push his buttons, and drive him up a goddamn wall, same as they do with you and me.

Still, it must take a lot, right?

Behold! The top sixteen things that are enough to piss off the Pope (in no especially particular order):

1. The stress of the job! He’s got the whole world giving him Hell in one ear – and God busting his balls in the other.
2. Why the hell can’t a pope get a pair of pants? Who takes an executive in a skirt seriously? Well, how about a dude executive in a skirt?
3. Thanks to nepotism, there’s a glass ceiling right above pope that he’ll never be able to crack—no matter how well he does. The top positions in the organization are all family.
4. There’s actually people who’d like him to come out in support of things like abortion and gay marriage. As if! When you’re working for God—it’s His way, or the highway. And you know where the highway leads …
5. Always having his spiffy hat knocked off by low-hanging ceiling fans, and the like. Sometimes helicopter blades do it, too.
6. Never getting invited to bachelor parties. Ever.
7. Unlike a U.S. President, a pope does not receive a Nobel Peace Prize before he even accomplishes anything (Nobel Peaceful, or otherwise).
8. And also unlike a U.S. President, he wouldn’t get to keep his unearned Prize, if he was a total fuck-up.
9. Eyeglasses, and the clergymen who wear them. They’re seen as evidence that masturbation does eventually cause blindness. Fortunately, they’re also evidence that there is some gratification out there not being had at the expense of the loins of young boys.
10. The only day the Pope can go out in public is Halloween—when he can blend in with all the other kids dressed up in pope costumes. Every other day, the poor guy stands out like a sore thumb.
11. Thanks to the clergy’s bad reputation, he can’t even wash people’s feet without everyone immediately thinking ‘foot fetish’.
12. Having his predecessor living in the neighborhood, threatening to rat him out to the big guy, whenever the shit's about to hit the fan.
13. Clergymen giving kids facials. Priests are not Avon men, for Christ’s sake.
14. It’s a real pain-in-the-ass dealing with the papal robes, when nature calls. Although he could always go the diaper route, like an astronaut, or a NASCAR driver.
15. Every subway vent is a potential Pope Marilyn Monroe upskirt shot.
16. Unless it’s a New Orleans Mardis Gras Mass, nobody flashes their tits for rosary beads. Why so uptight, ladies?

Quite a list, wouldn’t you say?

Now upon reflection, I’m with him—

Totally pissed off too.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

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