Twice the Oral

Oral Arguments

“Now,” the judge said, “we’re ready to proceed with oral arguments.”

“That should be easy – my wife and I have been having that argument since the honeymoon, Your Honor.”

“Eat me,” his wife said, with a bitchy scowl.

The judge clapped his hands together. “How about that? We’re making progress already. Sure you guys don’t want to stay married?”

Open up and say AHHH ...

Why did it take the dentist several tries to remove the blonde’s wisdom teeth?
 

Well, by the time she finished her oral procedure …

… he was never in the mood to perform surgery.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2013.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Half Pregnant

A teenage girl approached her mother. “Mom, I think I’m half pregnant.”

“What?” her mother said. “Pregnant?! I can’t believe this! We’ve talked about …”

“No—not pregnant, mom. Half pregnant.”

“Half pregnant?! What in the world are you talking about? There’s no such thing as half pregnant!”

“I think that’s what I am, mom.”

“Oh yeah? What makes you think that?”

“Well … he only put it halfway in. So …”

“Honey, I hate to tell you, but … any half a prick can make a baby. Just ask you father.”

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2013.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,     Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Turkey Tyme - Thanksgiving Fun

If ye cometh at the table, ye shall be asked to leave!

Ye may laugh, however.

Mom sure loves cooking

Johnny's mother was preparing a big Thanksgiving feast, and all the guests arrived at the same time.

He greeted them at the door. "Happy Thanksgiving," he said.

"Happy Thanksgiving," they replied.

"Where's your mom?" one of them asked.

"In the kitchen … sucking off the turkey."

"She's what?"

"You know, with the baster thing. It sucks off the juice, and squirts it all over?"



Thanksgiving Birth Control Secret

"Have fun, kids. And don't forget the Thanksgiving birth control secret."

"The Thanksgiving birth control secret? What's that?"

"More gobble gobble gobble … and less stuffing."



So there, Grandma

A college girl brought her new boyfriend home for Thanksgiving. The family was seated around the table, watching her grandfather carve the turkey.

"Everything looks delicious," the girl said, and everyone agreed.

"I've got dibs on one of those drumsticks," her grandmother said. "And how about you?" she said to the boyfriend, whom she'd been razzing since he got there. "What are you? A leg man? Or a breast man?"

The girl and her boyfriend exchanged knowing smiles.

"Um," she spoke up for him, "what do you call the meat between the legs? That's what he likes the best, Grandma."



Pilgrim Spermicide

"Did you know that turkey fat was the original spermicide?"

"No."

"In fact, the Pilgrim's swore by it."

"So, how did it work?"

"How did it work? Have you noticed all the white people in America? You friggin' tell me!"



Tom the Turkey

Tom the turkey was drinking beers with one of his buddies.

"You know how a female dog is called a bitch?" he said. "Did you know a female turkey is also called a bitch?"

"They are? That's news to me, man."

"Yeah? Well …" Tom downed the rest of his beer. "… I guess that shows you've never been married to one of 'em."



A Thanksgiving misunderstanding

"Oh dear God! James! What are you doing to the turkey?"

"Just what you said, Pa. You said to go out behind the barn, and …"

"PLUCK the turkey, James! I said to PLUCK the turkey!"



Turkey Bakin'

"Hey―what are you doing in here?"

"A little steamin', a little boilin', a little bakin'…"

"Um … I'm afraid I don't understand."

I'm fixing Thanksgiving dinner."

"You are? But …you're a turkey."

"Yes sir, I am indeed."

"So … what's for dinner? Not a …"

"Turkey? Oh no, of course not. We're having chicken."

"Chicken? Who the Hell ever heard of chicken for Thanksgiving?"

"You have, now. And frankly, I don't give a shit—on Thanksgiving, it's every bird for them-fuckin'-selves!"



Pokin' and Prayin' Pilgrims

"What's the huge smile on your face for?" said one Pilgrim girl to the other. "All these chores we have to do?"

"No, silly. On the way here, Nethaniel stopped me, and took me into the woods. He absolutely ravaged me―it was wonderful."

"Oh … well … I'm sure our religion doesn't tolerate that. I sure hope you don't burn in Hell for it."

"Aw, don't be silly. It was just like church; we prayed the entire time."

"You did?"

"We sure did. I kept saying 'Oh God' , and he kept saying 'Oh God' …"



Happy Thanksgiving!


-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks, Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Scary Funny

A few treats for Halloween …

Wrapped up in Halloween

A man wraps his member in a ton of gauze, so it looks enormous, and takes it downstairs to show his wife.

"Trick or treat, honey," he says, proudly thrusting it at her.

"It must be a trick," she says, "because we both know there's no way the little guy could hold up all that gauze on its own."


Halloween Hookin'

A kid in a costume walks up to a couple of sexy hookers standing on a street corner.

"Trick or treat!" the kid says to them.

One hooker looks at the other, and smiles a slutty smile. "I don't know," she says. "How do you turn a treat?"


A goblin

"Do you think I should be a goblin for Halloween?" the young lady asked her boyfriend.

"Sure," he answered, zipping down his fly. "But why wait 'till Halloween?"


Too spirited

I went on a few dates with a good lookin' ghost, but it didn't end very well.

The last time we went out, she slapped me across my face!

And all I did … was feel her BOO-bies.


Scary-ass costume

A trick or treater came to my door wearing an Obama mask.

I reacted instantly, slamming the door in his face, and running to hide under my bed.

I've always been scared to death of clowns.

(feel free to substitute the politician of your choosing)


She really gave it up

A mom overhear's her son on the phone.

"Yeah, she opened it up wide for me, and I went in deep … everything I wanted, she just let me take it … a bunch of other guys came too … and she took care of 'em all. She's the easiest one I know—that's for sure. You should hit that! Okay, I'll see you later."

He hung up the phone, and mom made her presence known.

"Uh hum … well, I never … I don't know what to say! You just wait 'till your father comes home, young man!"

"Why, mom? You think he's gonna want some of my trick or treat candy? I was just telling my friend, old Mrs. Thomas really gave it up—but shouldn't dad have to get his own costume? And get his own damn candy?"


Halloween wisdom

Eat as much as you can, and keep some wrappers handy.

Because if you let a pixie stick pour into your goody bag …

you might end up with a little monster.


Frankenstein's penis

A not so well-known fact is that the Frankenstein monster's penis was sourced from the corpse of a donkey-dicked porn star.

Unfortunately, Frankenstein was so strong, and used his penis so hard, that the stitching which held it in place was overpowered and snapped, rendering the once mighty monster sexless and frustrated.

Which was what all the moaning and groaning and asshole behavior was about.

Think of all the sexless and frustrated people you know. They probably act the same way.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Just One Suck

“I just want to taste it,” she said.

“No.”

“Come on – it’s so fat.”

“No.”

“Just one suck? Please?”

“No.”

“I just want to see if my mouth fits around it.”

“Fine.” He handed her the lollipop. “There. Happy?”

“Mmmm … mmmm … mmmm … slurp.”

He rolled his eyes. “At least the sound is right.”

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Horse’s Arse

“Are you going to the Halloween party this year?” her friend asked.

“Yes. We're going as a horse.”

“And,” her husband added, “I'm going to be the horse’s arse.”

“Not only that,” his wife said, “but since it’s Halloween, he also gets to wear a costume.”

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2013 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Twas Halloween Night

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