Big Dick's Love Gloves

Big Dick is a porn star.

You know how he got his nickname?

Well, his name is Richard. And he's un-small.

They also call him Thick Dick.

'Cause he ain't so bright.

Which must be why LA County, CA has passed a law mandating condoms for porn stars, and requiring a permit to film sex scenes.

Obviously, the voters have determined that the porn industry can't take care of itself. Like everyone else these days, these poor bastards are in for some Big Brother-ly oversight.

Which kind of makes sense. Who's got more experience screwing people than the government?

I guess nothing's sacred anymore—not even dirty movies.

I'm sure (or rather, I hope) the law spells out clearly the difference between a porn shoot and a regular … shoot. We don't need the condom constables knocking the bedroom door down and asking us for our permit.

"A permit? I barely even have consent, officer …"

"Hold your rubbers up where we can see them, hard-on!"

"What are you going to do, haul us away? We're already handcuffed."

"I guess we'll have to finish up in jail, honey. No, not with each other. Sorry."

But since the new rules are supposed to be in the interest of safety, we should probably embrace them. Except that, once The Man starts regulating, he always ends up piling on more rules. So today, it's condoms and permits. Tomorrow, it'll be lots of other stuff.

Stuff like:

Artificial tans. We'll want to keep those cones a nice, bright, safety orange.

Back up alarms. Can't have those big-backsided babes running over their fellow porn stars.

Hardhats. You never know when someone's going to drop a heavy load on your head. (The only problem with hardhat sex is the noise; what's the sound of two turtles fucking?)

Open up wide for some internal lighting. It's not safe to work in dark holes, and they're not going to be allowed on the jobsite.

Safety shoes, to be worn at all times. All those spiked heels are going to put somebody's eye out.

Protective eyewear. Got to keep the peepers safe from all the squirting stuff and flying fur.

Mandatory drug and alcohol testing. This is self-explanatory, considering all the heavy machinery being operated; one false move, and … well, you can imagine.

And not to mention, absolutely no more power tools being used under wet conditions. This may be unrealistic, but what can I say? Just keep the wet-vac handy, I guess.

All because safety is (blow)job #1!

Don't forget the biggest problem with mandatory condoms: what about all the money shots? Are we looking at a future of cream pies made from real cream pies? As in, dessert?

And the potential for men to also fake orgasms?

I shudder to think of it. What is this world coming to?

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,    Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

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