Saturday, February 20, 2016

Water Fallin’



Her dress was so dusty and hot, to let it fall to the ground was an absolute joy.

Liberation, how sweet!

The sun shone bright at the river’s edge, where the forest canopy gave way to open air.

Pulse quickening, her unadorned body trembled with the pleasure of the wild, the nudity of nature.

Those first tentative steps into the water … only ankles deep, and so cold!

Folding her arms across her bosom was a reflex, her peaks sharpened to points.

Then she laughed and let go.

What difference did it make? Why cover up?

She was alone.

Wasn’t she? A cautious look around confirmed she was.

A few more steps and the water rushed past her knees, the urgent pull of the current reminding to take care.

Down the river, the top of the falls was within sight, its ever present roar intimidating earshot.

Shudder the thought of the rocks at its bottom, the river pummeling itself and all else, what violence playing out all that noise.

Lucky for the rocky inlet giving shelter from the full of the current. Outside of that, a girl could be carried away.

And it wouldn’t do at all, to wash up dead from fallin’ over the falls.

She certainly wasn’t dressed for it.

Getting carried away.

The cool tickle of the water between her legs made her tremble, and then she was waist deep.

Splashing the river up onto her body brought goosebumps and shivering timbers.

She squatted down so she was sunk up to her shoulders.

Submergence was exquisite, the body of water chilling her body to its own low degree.

Quite an improvement from the dusty and hot!

She held her breath and dunked her head, the water streaming through her long hair.

And surfacing, cleared it from her eyes.

She stood up, all dripping hair, goose bumps and bosoms, and moved deeper into the river.

There, the river flowed colder and faster.

The slippery rocks at her feet barely offered enough hold to hold her in place.

She felt a splash of fear.

Had she come out too far?

Why drown and find out?

Retreating from the danger of the current, she moved toward the bank and the shallow, slower water―

What … was that?

She detected movement, downstream.

It was a … a boy!

No, he was naked … it was a man!

Standing up to his knees in the water, he was relieving himself.

“Now that’s some water fallin’” she whispered to herself, marveling at the sight against the backdrop of the falls. “I thought cold water made them shrink.”

What if it had? Amazing!

She looked down, realizing the shallower water was leaving her torso exposed.

Subtly, very subtly, she slipped those pointy peaks back into the water.

Still, she felt exposed.

And so she worked her subtle way to a substantial rock at the inlet’s edge, always with one eye on her slippery footing, and with one eye on the show.

The river there was more excited than she’d expected, but her own excitement egged her on.

She made it without trouble, and the next moment found her peeping around the rock, taking in the splashy play of a young man in his naturale state.

The chill of the water was forgotten as the warmth in her curiosity was stoked.

He performed a handstand, which she found particularly impressive, her eyes hanging with him.

All the while, that excited river rushed past her perch, the edge of the inlet subject to near the full of the sweeping current. And holding herself in place was more fatiguing than she thought it would be, the rock smoother and harder to grip than she’d expected.

“I’d better go,” she realized. “I’m gonna be in trouble if I …”

She slipped.

And the wicked rush wasted no time in taking her up.

The open river offering no footing or handhold; she bobbed and thrashed in struggle to right herself, a desperate fight for the safety of the bank.

All to no effect, as the river’s pull proved brutally persuasive, so mightier than anything her young flailing body could muster.

Desperation!

Each second ticked her closer to the falls, the horror of its approaching crest … and the thundering of the terrible crashing surf at its bottom.

In vain she fought and strained until … strong arms closed around her.

Safety?

Exhausted, she gave herself to those arms, a body plucking hers from the current and its awful intentions.

Her water had swept over the falls by now, left to smash upon the rocks without her.

Doom denied.

She buried her face in his shoulder, breathing easier now.

He carried her out of the river, up onto the bank.

Naked. It just occurred to her.

Then she heard the hooves clomping up.

“Boy, what’s the meaning of this?”

She lifted her head. “Daddy?”

The silver-haired man on horseback had his six-gun drawn.

As did the two men with him, ready and menacing from the saddles of their own mounts.

“Sir?” Her dripping hero did his best not to sound uneasy.

“You better put my little girl down, and get your damn hands off her. And you better tell that member of yours to relax … if you know what’s good for it.”

“Daddy?” Then she felt it throbbing against her. “Oh.”

He set her down, awkwardly … and put his hands up.

“YOU put your clothes on,” her daddy scolded her.

The naked girl nodded, and scurrying away stole a look back at her rescuer. “Thank you.”

He winked at her, equally exposed. “Don’t mention it.”

“Now what,” her daddy said, “are we gonna do with you, son?”

“Thank me and let me go?” He gulped. “Sir.”

“That’s not going to get the image of you and my daughter out of my head.”

Their guns were still on him.

There was a click in the woods behind the men on horseback.

“Hold it right there, Daddy.”

The silver-haired man sighed.

His men looked to him for a cue.

“You wouldn’t shoot your daddy …” he said.

“Maybe I would … maybe I’d shoot one of your boys.”

Both of them looked concerned.

“Maybe I’d even shoot that DAMN horse of yours … right in the hind end.”

“I love this horse,” he muttered, giving his mount a pat. “You know I don’t approve of that language, young lady.”

“DAMN, Daddy. DAMN DAMN DAMN. How about you all put away your DAMN guns?”

“She’s just like her momma,” he said to the other men. “Feisty. Damn feisty.”

He holstered his gun, nodded to his men to do the same, and they did.

“Good,” she continued. “Now hit the trail … skidaddle! I mean it.”

“Alright, we’re goin’.”

He started his horse down the trail and his men followed.

“See ya at supper.”

She stayed stern as she watched them go, and once they were gone, holstered her pistol.

“Alone again,” said the naked man, dropping his hands to his sides.

She read the hope in his eyes. “Don’t be getting any ideas.”

“What? You’re not in the mood?”

“For what?”

“For saving you.”

“Well, I just saved you.”

“Most obliged, darlin’ … I’d like to reward you.”

“Guess you’re right, I’m not in the mood.” She started for the trail. “Not anymore.”

He looked stunned after that.

“See you around,” she said with a glance downward. “Tallywhacker.”

“What did … what did you just call me?” He was speaking to her back, as she walked away.

“You heard me.” She didn’t look back.

Dangling sadly at the river’s edge, he could only watch her go. “Tallywhacker?” He looked down at it. “Did she call me Tallywhacker?”


The End

###




-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2016 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.


Saturday, January 9, 2016

“Gone fission.” - Kim, North Korea




"Are you sure we're standing far enough away?"


"Just take the picture - don't be a pussy."


###


-Harlowe Pilgrim


Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at AmazoniBooks
Smashwords.comBooks-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Sunday, December 20, 2015

Superhero Story 2 is here!


Jake and his friends are back for a new, south of the border superhero adventure!


A U.S. Serviceman is being wrongly detained … and somebody has to do something about it. And thanks to our superheroes, someone is!

No thanks to our supervillains, by the way.

The temperature’s rising, powers are coming on strong, and … did we mention the new supercar?

Action awaits!

(Perfect for all ages, appropriate for young readers.)

Available at Amazon today, coming soon to iBooks
Smashwords.comBooks-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

More at Harlowe Pilgrim's Superhero Story Blog!

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Harlowe Pilgrim’s ‘Tweeting Fool’ - #4



###

Woke up at the crack of Dawn this morning ... come to think of it, 'Dawn' was probably just her stage name.


Everyone please put your vibrators on phone, and we’ll begin.”



You know you’ve made it when you can go on a breast milk diet

and hire a squad of lactating cheerleaders to suckle.



 'Camille Toe: The story of a woman with an unfortunate name'


"She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes."
I know that's a long ways, but I've been teasing her awhile ...



Introduce yourself by sticking your nose in her crotch like a dog.


If she just smiles and pets you, she's a keeper.




Don’t takem’ off – just pull them down around your ankles.”
(socks?)


It's all fun and games ... until someone forgets to take her pill.




The new iPad will be more absorbent, and have wings.

And thankfully, a remote control.






Cunny Lingus - the new Irish airline everyone wants to fly.





Ah, the nursing home … where nobody’s fertile, and memories are so short.”


Sounds like a come dream true.



###


-Harlowe Pilgrim



Copyright 2015 Cock And Bull Publishing, LLC


Harlowe Pilgrim's books are available at AmazoniBooks
Smashwords.comBooks-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Saturday, November 7, 2015

Saturday, October 17, 2015

Fix Your Brains Out


How did the repairmen fix the customer’s vagina?






They screwed it together.


***

-Harlowe Pilgrim


PS. And it didn’t squeak afterward, either.


Copyright 2015 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.


Wednesday, September 23, 2015

The Dragon Down

By Harlowe Pilgrim

It is with heavy heart that I tell my tale, for it be a sad one, the heart and the tale both. And the tale be a dragon tale, one recalling a sad, sad state of dragon affairs.

Live it with me, a time upon a once.

You … are walking your dragon. They need that every now and then, as otherwise there is nothing more irascible. So you are walking him … just walking him.

He’s always been aggressive toward strangers, for as long as he’s been yours. And he’s been yours from just a hatchling—a cute and scaly one, at that.

Over the years have you dealt with his hostile manner, some times better than others, going over and beyond to keep him contained, restrained, and otherwise sequestered away in your home and out of trouble.

And at home, well what of that? As member of the family, that dragon is loved just as much as … as much as strangers best be wary of him. Likewise, with you and yours, his demeanor is charming, near as docile and affectionate as a cuddly kitten. As long as you keep him calm.

And one of the best ways to keep your dragon calm is … to exercise him. And one of the best forms of exercise for a spunky old dragon (save for razing villages by the fire of his dragon’s breath, which ought be discouraged) is … simply … to take him out for walks.

On such a walk is where you find yourself now.

With regard to dragon-walking, the less populated the route, the better. Because, as likely you recall, your dragon is not a people-dragon. Which is why you keep him leashed at all times.

As long as he is on that leash, you have always been able to control him, well enough. Which is to say, you have kept him from being too awfully bad.

And so, you are walking, and your dragon is walking with you, on his leash—that leash being actually quite a heavy chain (it having grown heavier over the years along with his dragon-power).

The road is dirt, isolated and essentially deserted. In other words, perfect.

Until there appears, from the woods at the roadside … another dragon. Another dragon much smaller and younger than yours.

Someone else’s pet dragon, by the looks. But at the moment, this little guy is running free, with no master to be seen.

And he’s coming your way.

You are on guard, but there’s no need to panic. Your hands have tight hold of the chain restraining yours, and … well, they are likely to investigate each other, and that will be it. A non-event.

Likely.

The other dragon is almost to you. He’s even littler than you thought.

Your guy growls down low a bit, but there’s nothing so unusual about that—it’s how he says hello.

There is even slack in his chain, for what it is worth.

You’re glad he’s so relaxed.

The other dragon approaches, in rather an unassuming manner.

Most beasts seem to have a natural apprehension of each other, or so you thought. But not in this case.

And in the split second it takes for a heart to beat, your dragon reacts.

He throws a great belch of flame, and lunges latching his fearsome, knife-toothed jaw onto a foreleg of the lesser creature, who screams an awful dragon scream and scrambles to escape your aggressor's impossible grip.

With proximate the strength of a plow ox, you pull back on his chain, but his viciousness holds tight. Whenever you succeed in dragging him back, he only drags his prey along with him.

Dragon’s blood has begun to flow, splashing upon the embattled creatures, yourself, and the wounded, claw-dug ground.

Their terrible howls and snarls have attracted attention, and you find yourself surrounded by onlookers.

Even in the middle of nowhere, a horror show attracts a crowd.

Feverishly now, you jerk back on the chain, but to no avail.

You push him with your foot as you pull again. Anything to break them up … to distract him. Push, pull, pray … and repeat.

The sound is God-awful.

Then … miraculously … your dragon goes for a better bite. And in the brief window it affords, you’re able to wrench him away from his victim.

Your monster snarls after him as whimpering, he limps away.

The altercation was brief in terms of elapsed time, yet a perpetuity the way you experienced it.

And by the looks of the onlookers, the world is a different place now than it was before.

You can see it in their eyes, before all the blood has even hit the earth.

That indeed, all the blood has not hit the earth.

Meanwhile, your heart still races, and your hands ache from fighting to grip on your dragon’s chain.

This cannot stand. It must not, and will not, be allowed to stand.

But your dragon is as oblivious as … as his days are now numbered. His bloody mouth is almost a smile … if dragons did smile, which dragons do not.

In you, the realization is grim and sickening.

The poor wounded dragon’s owners emerge and take custody of their ailing little beast. And they wax apologetic, of all things.

They must not have seen.

“Not at all.” You usher your dragon from the scene. “Not at all.”

“Was he injured?” they ask of him, your dragon fighting machine.

“Not at all … not at all.”



Back at home, your dragon is all pet once more.

But still, you are wary, and yours are wary. The day’s unfortunate incident was an escalation. It marked a turning point.

You were unable to contain him. You were unable to control him.

That knowledge sets upon your chest like a millstone.

Your mind and stomach churn over the possibility—nay the likelihood, of a reoccurrence.

Or … of a worse occurrence.

The reality strikes you cold as the water with which you wash the blood from your wonderful, horrible friend.

You have to put the dragon down.

The thought sends shudders as he cozies up to you with that friendly gleam in his eyes.

He loves you.

You love him. This side of him.

Where was that gleam when the dragon roared?

You gather yours and explain what what must be.

Tears flow and heads nod in sad understanding, and acceptance is gained within warm hugs.

When? When will it be done?

Soon … the sooner the better. For safety’s sake. But not today.

The emotions are overwhelming as they are.

Your dragon snores the night away on the floor huddled next to the children, still their best friend and protector.

Yet the dwindling sands pour from his hourglass whether he’s cognizant of it or not.



Little rest do you enjoy, the day’s first light finding your eyes open and awake.

Does it have to be the day, today? It does. Otherwise would be risking the next terrible event.

The household rises at the typical time, true to routine, while the mood is anything but.

Gloomy are all, and grim … all except your dragon, who is strikingly … chipper … if such label be properly affixed a fire-breathing beast. Sweetly clueless even, the blood and noise of yesterday relegated ancient history in his dragon mind, if even the notion exists anywhere within.

But absent your mind, it for certain is not. The yester day’s events … today’s sad duty … they devastate like a dragon bite.

Breakfast, along with the rest, is hard to swallow.

For you, certainly. But not for the dragon, who manages to snatch up a basket of food from your table—an act that, although normally strictly verboten … on this day, you let it go.

Which should have raised his suspicions and would have, if not for his focus on the stolen snack.

The meal concludes and you prompt the family.

It is time.

Tears flow and flow some more as they lavish affection upon their poor damned pet, and he revels too much in the lavishment.

Is that pain in your chest, your heart breaking?

It continues to break, or at least certainly to bleed, as you escort him from home, steering down the dirt path and onto the quiet uncobbled road, as if for a walk taken so many before. As if it were the world of the day before.

Your long blade, sheathed in its scabbard, weighs heavy on your hip and upon your soul.

The roadside passes as you pass it by, the indistinct muddle of the setting of a dream. And not a very good dream, at that.

A regrettable a chore it seems, to be the one to whom it falls to do what must be done.

Your walk ends off the road in a forest clearing. He sits up and looks up at you, expectantly. You often play in this spot.

There is love in his dragon eyes.

What pain you feel!

Stroking his back, you set him at ease. He groans and rolls over so you can rub his belly, which you do.

He loves that on his underside. His soft, vulnerable underside.

Relaxation overtakes him, and his eyes close.

You continue the massage with the one hand, as you—silently, painstakingly—draw your sword.

The dragon begins to snore.

He’s asleep.

Blink away the tears, they are blurring your vision.

Let him sleep.

You stop rubbing his belly, and stand upright, grasping the weapon’s hilt in both hands. Blade down.

One deep breath.

And with all you can muster, you plunge the sword down into his chest.

Your cold steel finds dragon heart.

He never shudders or opens his eyes, only stops snoring.

His breath is gone, his spark departed. Thy friend, thy burden … thine no more.

You collapse at his side.

And that is how you put the dragon down.

A true story, you ask? More true than not, my friend. Leash thy dragons close.

The End

###

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2015 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at AmazoniBooks,
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.