Harlowe Pilgrim's 'Tweeting Fool' - Thanksgiving Issue

The Pilgrims came on the Mayflower.
Some … more than others.

“I’m thankful for my mommy, and daddy, and the airline who lost mommy’s pills when they went home for Thanksgiving, the year before I was born.”

“Shut your pie hole!” he said.
 She frowned, looked down at her lap, and closed her legs.

“Scuse me while I eat some pie.” -Jimi Hendrix, Thanksgiving dinner 1968

“I’m all about the baste, ‘bout the baste, ‘bout the baste. I’m all about that baste … that turkey.”

After sampling her entire family’s pies … no wonder I needed a nap.

She hauled off and slapped him. “I do NOT look like a turkey!”

“Sweetheart … I said you had a foul mouth … not a fowl mouth!”

I heard that all pies are fun-sized.

Really, they all come that way.

Who wants to trade a breast for some stuffing?

Is that a turkey in your pants … or is your cunt trying to gobble me?
Oh, it’s a turkey?
That’s weird and disappointing.

Happy Fucksgiving.
As if any of us would really give one.

“We’re having turkey bacon.”
“Huh. You sure it’s okay for people too?”

What’s your favorite part of the pie? Mine’s … the filling.

Already thinking of inviting Miley Cyrus over for some Thanksgiving twerky.

When does the gravy come out? Keep tickling my giblets, and it should be coming.

Boy, you got to eat the pie *before* you fill it.

I’ve never seen you turn down ‘more stuffing’.

I’ll bring the baby gravy.
I mean, I’ll bring the gravy, baby.

If you like her baking … 

… you should try her pie.

I’ve never heard her say she’s had too much stuffing.

“White women all want to look under my loincloth.” Chief Fucking Bear, present at the first Thanksgiving orgy.

Stuff the fucking, please … I mean, fuck the stuffing, please … 
Sorry—just pass the stuffing, will you?

This holiday season, be sure to take some time and share your meat, with the needy.

If you spread her legs so wide they snap … 

… hopefully, you’re talking turkey.

“You can drop a load right here”. 

Well put, Grandma.

There’s no excuse for letting that pie go to waste.

Butt stuffing. 

That’s what a teddy bear sits on.

“Sorry – I thought you said you wanted me to lay it all on the table.”

Takes it off the table, and puts it back in his pants.

Did you guys know you can cover food in Saran Wrap too?

Unintentional quote of the day: “Stop playing with it, and eat it!”

Here’s to stuffing a bird on your Thanksgiving table … especially if you’re not even having turkey.

“Smell this,” she said. “Do you think it’s still good?”

“It is a little stanky … but I’d still eat it.”

Let’s all come together for the holidays.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. The other Pilgrims were on the Mayflower. My ancestors took the De-flower.

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Warlord and Concubine

“This is it,” she said under her breath. “The moment of truth.”

Not the moment of actual truth—she for one certainly would not be telling that. Not all of it. Not even if she were broken.

"Return to Dune Towers" Willow Raven Illustration & Design http://linkis.com/weebly.com/1QsYm

The sand whispered and eddied below the low-hovering platform at her feet as she passed, the imposing form of the palace-plex having now come into full view.

She knew that meant that she, herself, had now come into full view as well.

The master’s guard would soon be upon her.

She felt her senses pique as she anticipated her inevitable apprehension, and she fought not to show it. The best defense would be a convincing display of innocence.

How would the master accept her? Would the master accept her? He, the warlord, had never been known to suffer fools … or be willing to be made one of. For his entire oppressive reign, from his bloody, terrible rise to power and before, the master had made it abundantly clear. The burden of suffering would be borne on the backs of any fools who would dare cross him or his dominion.

The man and his dominion … they were one and the same, actually. A universal truth?

A smile pursed her lips.

As universal as any.

Hopefully so … her reason for being depended on it. He needed to need her, to want her back. To be less concerned about her whereabouts and the circumstances of her disappearance … than having back in his hand that which was his.

So his.

He had proclaimed her the crown jewel of his court—not before the court, but the court knew it all the same.

It had to be eating him alive, being without her … living without sustenance. It had to be eating him alive.

It had to be.

###

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,
Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Would Jesus and Santa swap wives?

It depends on what you want to swap them for.

Just what kind of trade are we talking?

Will beer be involved?

How about a copy of Jesus Vs. Santa?

Now we're getting somewhere.

To read Chapter 1 - Click here

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,  Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Gladiator

“Knock knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Gladiator.”

“Gladiator who?”

He was Gladiator …

… until she was diagnosed with an infectious fucking disease.

Now, not glad so much.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. “Are you NUTS entertained!?  Is that, NUTS, why you are here!?”

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim's 'Tweeting Fool' - Tricks or Tweets 2

More Halloween tweets, by popular demand.

(At least, nobody tried to stop me.)

You kids pass out the trick-or-treat candy. I'll be upstairs with your mummy.

Thinking of being a snake for Halloween …

Just can’t figure out what to do with the rest of my body.

“I want to go as a beaver,” he said. “Mind if I wear yours out?”

Why did the skeleton girl break up with her boyfriend?

She had enough bones of her own.

Wait – it’s not what it looks like! My dick’s going as a pumpkin this year, and … he’s just trying on his costume.

I’ll plant one in your pumpkin patch. Come on, Pumpkin.

If you’re being attacked by a werewolf, just shoot him a Coors.

It’s the silver bullet.

One of these days, The Great Pumpkin is going to come.

You must be a ghost, baby … because you’re scary good under the sheets.

“Your daughter’s a real screamer, Sir.”

Said innocently after taking her out to a horror move.

And never, ever said again.

The best way to get your own bunch of little trick-or-treaters?

Keep letting your lollipop break out of the bag.

“How about some skull for Halloween?”

“I have a better idea,” she said. “How about some severed head?”

You wanna know how I’m like a bat, honey?

We’ll both get in your hair, and make you scream.

I’m surprised you can still say black cats are bad luck.

Every thing is not what it screams.

Here, ride THIS broomstick … you witch.

Hey, that’s a great skank costume. And it’s not even Halloween yet.

… but deliver us some evil … I mean ‘from’ evil.

What do you call a couple of dead people having sex?

Two fucking stiff … and two fucking funky.

"I'm not a zombie ... I just want to eat your brains out."

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. How sincere is your pumpin’ patch?

(with apologies to Linus and The Great Pumpkin)

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Empty-Handed on Halloween

My smartass friend made himself 

up as a Jehovah's Witness

(complete with handouts) 

and went door to door trick-or-treating.

And what happened?







Everyone turned out their

lights and pretended they

weren’t home!

So there you go.

No tricks.

And no treats.

Think he’d have better luck,

if he tried it on Halloween?

-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim

Harlowe Pilgrim's 'Tweeting Fool' - Tricks or Tweets

Halloween quibbles, for you to nibble.

So tricks or tweets, it's up to you ...

(Yes, I actually tweet this shit)

“The Devil made me do it!”

Apparently not considered a good or funny excuse by the church elders.

Old Salem,

where the warlocks were hung,

and the witches were glad.

The naked, hands-free pumpkin carry …

Just the thing, for when you’re sick of bobbing for apples.

Trick or treat,

it smells like feet,

but otherwise not a bad pussy t’weet.

Oktoberfest brews are my favorite.

Which I guess makes the others my second favorite.

The best thing about Autumn is putting it incider.

"And for my next trick, I'll make your virginity ... disappear!" - Cherry Houdini

“Oh, I see,” said the nurse as she went to the supply cabinet. “We’re going to need the long gloves for you.”
Snap Snap
Gulp

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater, had a wife but couldn’t keep her.

She took off when she figured out ‘Pumpkin’ was a stripper, not a squash.

The sin will come up tomorrow.

Even you have a soul. Ass-soul.

Honey, I said to ‘shuck’ the corn.

I know it rhymes … but it’s not the same thing.

It’s colder than a witch’s tit outside?

Then maybe she should go inside … it’s less nippy in there.

And down came a spider, who crawled up inside her.

So that’s all I was doing … smooshing the spider.

“I’d eat it,” she said, “if it was a candy bar.”

“We’ll see about that.” I Snickered.

Do you have the devil inside?

Would you like the devil inside?

Slutty costumes are on sale now.

You’ll want to stock up.

Let’s see … her eyes are rolled back, and her head’s spinning around …

She’s either coming,

or I hope there’s an exorcist coming.

Shake your mummy maker.

-Harlowe Pilgrim

PS. See the fun you're missing if you don't follow me on Twitter?

Copyright 2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.

Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at www.cockandbullpublishing.com, Amazon, iBooks,   Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.

Follow on Twitter @ https://twitter.com/HarlowePilgrim