Tell the weatherman to stick it in a windsock.
“Why?”
you ask.
Why
not.
“What
did he do?”
He
can’t forecast the weather for shit—that’s
what.
Alas,
not to worry.
With
apologies to Bob Dylan: You don’t need a weatherman to tell you how
the wind blows.
Nipples
are way more sensitive than Doppler radar.
So
all you need to get your own, completely accurate and up-to-date
weather reports, are … boobs.
They
can be yours, or someone else’s.
First
bare them, then take them outside.
And,
voilà … weatherboobs!
From
now on, the weather will be easy:
If
the boobs are dry … it’s not raining.
You
can just smile, wave to the neighbors, and go back inside (if you
want).
If
the boobs are wet … it’s raining.
Or
they’ve begun to perspire. Either way, they’re lovely.
If
the boobs cast a shadow … the sun is shining.
Any
reddening would also tend to confirm the sun exposure.
If
the boobs are swinging … the wind is blowing.
Or
they’re enjoying the fresh air so much, they’re dancing.
If
the boobs do not cast a shadow and are not wet … it’s cloudy.
But
they’re still out cheering everybody up, so no one is gloomy.
If
the boobs are bouncing up and down … there is an earthquake.
Or,
someone’s jumping on the trampoline again, and those things are
going crazy.
If
the boobs are covered with ice … there is frost.
Does
anyone need glass cut?
If
the boobs are not visible … it’s foggy.
Or
maybe someone’s hands are on them.
If
the boobs are white … it’s snowing.
At
least, that’s one thing it could be.
If
the boobs are underwater … there is a flood.
Those
happen sometimes. And it’s not always a bad thing.
If
the boobs are spinning round and round … there is a tornado.
Or
someone has returned to the stripper pole.
Can’t
say I’m surprised.
And
if one is unable … or oddly, disinclined … to subject their tatas
to the great outdoors … there’s always weathercock.
It
works exactly the same way … you just stick your cock out there.
But
keep an eye on him.
You
don’t want your rooster wandering off (think of all the poor hens).
Ask
any woman … it’s best to keep a pecker on short leash.
-Harlowe
Pilgrim
Copyright
2014 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC
This piece appears in the ebook Harlowe Pilgrim's Oh My Words! 2014.
Harlowe Pilgrim’s books are available at Amazon, iBooks, Smashwords.com, Books-A-Million, and most other online booksellers.
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