Peeing on People

Does it piss you off to be peed on?

And I’m talking in the literal sense, with actual urine flow—not in the figurative sense of the bad water we all wade through, just living life.
Some may be into it—but for most people, if they haven’t asked for a golden shower, I really don’t think they’re up for one. Call us prudes …

For instance, there’s this strange story of a guy who made a pass at a girl in a bar. I know—it happens a million times a night. So, the girl in the bar shot him down. I know—that happens a million times a night, too.

And what happened next? Of course, the guy moved on down the line … and made a pass at another girl, right? Or lowered his standards? Or waited until the girl who shot him down had a few more Margaritas, and then tried his luck again?

Well, no. None of the above. What he did was … whip it out, and pee on the poor girl’s leg.

And I understand she was not amused. The nice lawmen who arrested the dumbass were not amused either.

Taking an unwelcome leak on the object of your affection may not be the best way to win her over. It makes the rest of us cavemen seem almost romantic by comparison. Okay, well … we like to think it does.

Now, everyone knows that girls like bad boys—but I submit that they’re not all created equal. I’m sure that after all was said and done, our lady did not see her assailant as the equivalent of a bad-ass gangster or a crusty-ass biker (well known favorite archetypes of the fair sex).

So, what the hell was this dufus thinking?

“I’m a superhero with piss-power, and I’m here to impress your pants off!”

Maybe … maybe not. He probably wasn’t thinking at all. He was probably busy metabolizing alcohol.

And there’s always something to be said for letting the animal instinct run free—it does need exercise every now and then. Marking your territory? That’s something a dog would do. Could it be that the fellow’s half canine?

If so, we could actually extract a moral from this story: Just because your mother was a bitch (or your father was a bitch), doesn’t mean that pissing on something makes it yours.

Then again, I could just be out of touch.


-Harlowe Pilgrim

Copyright 2012 Cock and Bull Publishing, LLC

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